The Mirror Blog

I've moved

2011-06-10T18:58:00.005+05:30

Not that I have too many readers here, but just in case someone does drop in and likes what they see, they can keep reading me on 100 Paths: A woman's search for God in the city.

:)

See you there!

The children, they a-grow

2011-03-22T11:00:00.009+05:30

The lights dimmed on stage as some 15 pairs of nubile young male and female bodies began gyrating to the tune of You can leave your hat on - yes, the striptease song from the film, The Full Monty. The scene is complete with low chairs, hip thrusts, slow posterior stretches by the girls (a la Beyonce) and T-shirt-ripping-apart chest-baring by the boys. The audience is eerily quiet, no catcalls and whoops, everyone watching in stunned silence. Including me.

Don't get me wrong, I would have enjoyed this scene anywhere else in the world. But in my daughter's school, as part of a high-school annual day production? Uhh. Whack me awake already.

I don't consider myself a prude from any angle, but even I was shocked last week when The Shri Ram School presented their version of the Shakespearean rom-com As You Like It. It started harmlessly academic enough, but by the time the word 'slut' was being used in dialogues between Touchstone and Audrey (it's in the original, but even so...), I was shifting in my seat. Since the play was designed as a musical, the scene is followed by this striptease dance. By now, my cheeks had turned bright red.

And I was one of the younger parents. I can't imagine what must have gone on in the minds of the 40- and 50-somethings next to me.

I mused about it later - maybe the school figured that their senior kids are already sexual beings so may as well bring it out into the open. Maybe the school didn't know - since it was an independent theatre agency handling the production. Maybe the school did know but were so used to having the kids talk about sex and dating and sluts in school hours that they didn't realise it would be a culture shock for the poor parents to have their teenagers turning each other on in public.

I can't help comparing schools, since my younger one is in DPS RK Puram. At their annual assembly, their teacher gave them strict instructions on NOT selecting a song with the word 'baby' – "Too American". Their theme was 'spiritual teachers of India', and after the sage play, to end on a more 'happening' note, they danced (very decently) to We will rock you. Parents clapped with pride, other sections cheered, the principal gushed about what good morals and ethics our children had.

Then again, this is the same school that broke the MMS scandal of the previous decade.

Last month, my girls and I had got into a heated debate about teenage pregnancy after we watched the film Juno together (they think it's alright and that parents should support in such circumstances. I thought a pregnant Indian teen would need to be banished to another country). A few days ago, the girls deliberately shook me up with statements over the dinner table, with their friend as witness: "Mom, I'm gay." "Mom, she's dating her classmate." "Mom, I wasn't deliberately trying to show my bra strap; it was a wardrobe malfunction."

As I grow more experienced in parenting, it becomes less like parenting and more like a treacherous boot-camp, full of holes in deceptive marshes and unexpected missiles coming flying at you. You're constantly on your toes, alert for the latest ambush from above or behind. With every hit or miss comes the risk of a lifetime of pain, potential "What ifs" that can weigh on relationships for pretty much forever.

I never know how to react to things any more. Do I become like my own parents ("No conversations with or about boys until you're married"), turn a blind eye, investigate further, scream and shout, laugh and tease, go cold and serious, try emotional blackmail... What?

So far, I've been doing my best trying to be me (ahh, understanding the self, an entirely different blog post) but I only end up being slightly shocked, bemused, confused, amused, friendly and worried all at once. It seems as if I just about manage to figure out one stage of growing up when another comes crashing on my head. And the teenage years have just begun.

Sigh, let me get out the helmet. You can leave your hat on...

Investment decision

2011-02-22T23:43:00.004+05:30

What's the difference between Personality and Character?

I believe personality is what you are in public and in light. Character is what you are alone in the dark.

We spend thousands of rupees on our children and ourselves honing our personalities - from the clothes we wear, to the schools we go to, to the books we read and movies we see. It is important to speak well, to look presentable, to keep up a social conversation with intellect and wit. There are tests to rate where you stand. "What an attractive personality!" we say of those men and women who 'have what it takes'. Your personality is what gets you a job or partner, what gets you social approval and admiration. And so we invest heavily in this part of ourselves, our public personas. It's all good.

But few of us invest as much in our characters. Who are we when we are shorn of external achievements and trappings? Who are we without the labels? Who are we in the dark when no one is watching, listening, observing? Are we strong, at peace, happy, content, fearless, home? Building character does not require an investment of money. It requires adversity, forbearance, grit, self-reflection and time. It also requires patience, tolerance, compassion, love and an act of Grace. We are our own teachers and our own students. The only tests are those from life itself.

A personality is something you have. A character is something you are. Having a fabulous personality does not ensure you a sterling character. But true character does ensure a magnetic personality. Our personality is linked with our mind and body. It will not last; we often change 'colours' based on our circumstances in life. Our character, on the other hand, is linked with our soul. It outlives us when we die - we carry our karmas and life condition with us, lifetime after lifetime.

A good personality is a useful thing to have in this world. But a good character is vital both here and beyond. What will you choose to invest in today?

Meeting Moni

2011-01-27T18:14:00.003+05:30

I recently had the opportunity to interview the elegant and erudite Pakistani author Moni Mohsin for my magazine. (The interview is available in the February 2011 issue of Marie Claire India.) But we also talked about other stuff that I couldn’t share in the magazine. Here it is:

Was it ‘understood’ that you’d write for your sister Jugnu Mohsin and brother-in-law Najam Sethi’s outspoken weekly Friday Times?
On the contrary, I thought one shouldn’t work with one’s family. And besides I didn’t think I could write. I had studied anthropology from Cambridge and was working at various NGOs when this paper was launched in the late 1980s. But Najam coerced me to work at the paper, and so I began as a proofreader.

How did the column ‘Diary of a Social Butterfly’ begin?
Najam suggested I write a column; “Think of it as an essay,” he said. He edited everything I wrote and helped my hand along. The column was first called ‘By the Way’ and I wrote about rediscovering Lahore, conservation, and people’s issues, especially minorities and women. I’d talk about living in a joint family, family planning, what it was to be a young, single woman in Lahore – of course, all in a humorous way. The column became a confessional, and soon, my life became public property. That bothered me, so I decided to stop it. But Najam said I’d disappoint readers, and asked me to replace it with something better. And so Butterfly, the character, was born.

How’d the column become a book?
In 2007, I attended the Jaipur Lit Fest, with the likes of Kamila Shamsie. That’s when I realised how interested people were in Pakistani literature. One editor said she’d been reading my column and wanted to publish it. But I wanted to give it some thought. I finally had offers from three publishers, and I went for Chiki Sarkar of Random House because she correctly understood this wasn’t chick-lit but rather social satire. She is also very passionate about the books she publishes, which impressed me.

I feel bad about Butterfly’s relationship with her husband in the book. They don’t seem happy…
Well, in Pakistan earlier, marriages were not about love or friendship. Even so-called “love marriages” were about the man liking the way a woman ‘looked’ and her giving in to his proposal. My case was different. I fell in love with a fellow student and married him. That too very late in life at the age of 32. Acquaintances would ask me, “Don’t you want to get married or what?” just like that – there is no sense of privacy in our culture.

Then what about attitudes towards divorce?
Let me tell you a story. A friend of mine sent us all emails and SMSs to say that she and her husband were parting ways and that she would appreciate if none of us probed or asked her about it as they wanted to keep it personal and not rake up garbage. At the next get-together, one of our mutual friends came in all mourning, “I am so miserable to hear of your divorce!” etc, but my friend cut her off saying, “Please, I request you not to talk about that.” The garrulous matron immediately changed tracks, saying, “Oh no, I have not come here to rub salt on your wounds, you are my life (jaan).” And they changed the topic. A while later, the guest said, “I have just one question to ask you, jaan; you are my best friend, aren't you? Wouldn't you just answer that one question?” My friend sighed and said, “Yes, go ahead.” And the woman immediately asked, “What happened exactly?”

There’s a sense of Pakistan becoming more and more conflicted over time. Being a political writer, how do you see the situation?
The media only reports one side of the situation; the reader only sees the conflicts and anarchy and religious intolerance. But there is another side of Pakistan you don’t see. You don’t see how a village school teacher opened up a school in her own home, and how girl students from villages far and wide came to attend it because their girls’ school was shut down by Islamists. You don’t hear stories of how people like my father run charitable schools for 2500 girl children, as a deliberate stance against the anarchists. The Mullahs and religious leaders know that they can’t come to power through popular vote and that’s why they use violence and threats. But people do what they can to move on, despite the subjugation.

You are a working mom of two. How do you manage work-life balance?
Well, I usually work from home, so that’s good for the kids (my daughter Laila is 12, son Faiz is 9). But it can also be bad for my writing because I am so distracted. For my latest book Tender Hooks, my husband suggested I take up a little space in his office, which I did. That’s how I managed to finish the book in four straight months. If I had been writing from home, this book would have never got done. And now I’m here in India for its release; it’s a 10-day trip which is the longest time I’ve been away from my kids. My sister-in-law is babysitting them in London in my absence.

There’s something about motherhood

2011-01-20T13:36:00.000+05:30

You know her singing cannot be compared with a professional. You know her dance is far from perfect and she misses a few beats. You know her painting is not really going to find place in an art gallery.

And yet when your daughter dances with a group of kids at your nephew’s engagement, your smile lights up the hall. When she holds up a painting she’s just done, you feel like you’re looking at a million-dollar masterpiece and your whole soul reverberates with awe. When she sings on a stage at a school assembly, you cannot help your heart bloating up with pride, sitting amidst fellow parents. You often cry in joy too.

I am blessed with not one but two daughters, both of whom – to this foolish, love-struck mother – are amazingly talented, brilliant works of art in themselves. I cannot believe sometimes that they are born of me, of my flesh and blood and stem cells. There comes the voice of hope and wonder whenever I see them perform or create: “That’s me?”

Of course, it’s not me. It’s who they are. They are separate beings with separate karma and separate destinies. They’ve just chosen me as their mother in this life, the person who could best help them achieve their potential and purpose. Me, with my imperfections and flaws and insecurities. Me, with my difficult choices and strange life and complicated existence.

Despite myself, these awesome, creative, divine beings chose ME.

There it goes again – this foolish, love-struck mother’s heart – looking at them painting, or staring at them dance, or worshipping them as they sing.

“That’s me?”

Blues bashing

2010-11-16T14:11:00.002+05:30

There are mornings when you don’t want to draw the curtains open, when you don’t want to get out of bed, when all you want to do is curl up in your blanket and cry.

It could be due to your circumstances, all that’s around you. But I learnt a funny thing a few days ago: That it is actually due to what’s in your head, all that’s inside you.

I had a phase last year, when my personal life seemed bleak, my spiritual life was at an all-time low, and there was no future to look forward to. I slipped into something called SAD, seasonal affective disorder, or winter blues. I was put on sleeping pills and anti-depressants for the first time. They helped, and within a couple of months, I felt strong enough to let them go. I also got back into my Buddhist practice with gusto, which helped further. I thought I’d beaten it for good.

Then a few days ago, I had this phase again – not wanting to wake up, not willing to speak to anyone, a darkness inside my brain, a voice that keep repeating accusations and insults at me… I was immediately reminded of the misery the previous year. The timing is exactly the same – the onset of winter in Delhi.

But the odd thing is that this time, everything around me is different. My external circumstances are at striking odds to what they were last year – there’s been frustration in some aspects of my life and growth in others. My health issues are different, my mental makeup and outlook is different. So I was stumped when I realized the problem was the same.

This time, however, I was saved. There was a tiny little voice amidst the clamour of the darkness, a tiny whisper of affirmation: “Do Your Morning Yoga. Don’t Give It Up.” I dragged myself out of bed, lay out my mat, and just launched headlong into surya namaskar, no argument.

Fifteen minutes later, I felt better. And as the day progressed, I felt a whole lot better. I resolved never to let the blues get me again, to fight with every ounce of hope left in me, and to allow that little tiny voice to win over the blanket of negativity if it struck again.

The best part is, it hasn’t, since.

I don’t assume that it’s gone for good. It may return. But with Someone Up There’s help, I seem to have to beaten it for now. And that really counts.

My life may have changed, but there are obviously many karmic cycles still to be broken. It’s been a good lesson in knowing that, yes, I can.

Three book reviews in a go

2010-10-29T12:43:00.001+05:30

Nourishment
By Gerard Woodward
(Picador, Rs 1100 approx)

The Second World War is on. A British wife and mother receives a message from her POW husband, imprisoned by the Nazis, asking for the most improbable of things: Naughty, no let’s make that downright filthy, letters. Her prudish sensibility shaken up, she first denies him, and then relents when he remains persistent. But how does one write notes full of passion and sex when one has never been there, really? And so begins her journey into a land of lust, from hidden nooks of libraries for pornographic literature into the arms of her boss for more practical know-how. The consequences are, of course, heartbreakingly realistic. Written with humour, sensitivity, maturity and imagination, Nourishment is yet another feather in the cap for this gifted writer.

Battle for Bittora
By Anuja Chauhan
(Harper Collins, Rs 299)

If you enjoyed The Zoya Factor – Chauhan’s debut bestseller soon to be made into a Bollywood film – then you’re going to love The Battle for Bittora. Jinni, a 25-year-old graphics animator, finds herself drawn into rural politics when her ex-MP grandmother announces she’s got a ticket for the upcoming Lok Sabha elections – in Jinni’s name. Things could have been simple had not Jinni’s childhood sweetheart Zain – gorgeous, rich but Muslim – been her electoral opponent. Now she’s torn between matters of the heart, the wallet and the chair. The author’s easy wit and Jinni’s smart-aleck first-person voice makes for pacy reading. For lovers of chick-lit romances, this one’s a hilarious must.

Room
By Emma Donoghue
(Picador, Rs 499)

Jack has just turned five years old, and has never stepped out of the one room that has been his entire world all his life. Born to a beautiful woman kidnapped at the age of 19 and imprisoned in an underground eleven-by-eleven-foot room by her captor for seven years, Jack’s only companions have been his mother, the furniture, and the occasional spider. But that’s the only world he knows. So when, at five, his mother deems him old enough to help them both escape, he feels like a fish jumping out of the water. The ‘real world’ feels unreal, mystifying and confusing. Why do people need so much space and so many things? Written in the little child’s voice, the narrative reaches out into your gut and holds you captive from start to end. And when you finally put it down, you cannot help looking at the world with new eyes.

Everything once

2010-09-13T16:09:00.003+05:30

"I'll try everything once," I said to a team of hairdressers, PR persons and journalists sitting around a round lunch table at Yorks & Albany, London.

My comment left quite a few faces frozen in various stages of wicked giggling. "Everything?" someone asked. "Everything," I confirmed.

We had just had a conversation about how glue and hairsprays can give you a 'high', and intrigued, I had said: "Now that's something I need to try then." Of course, they had all shaken their heads in disapproval – that is, before I made my scandalous point (scandalous only to those who have dirty minds!).

But after the giggles had died down and the eyebrows had stayed up, I internally debated my inadvertent self-disclosure. "Even if it is unhealthy?" "Even if it is illegal?" "Even if it is morally unethical?" The questions shot themselves at me.

I am no saint, not yet. But I do believe I am a better person mostly because I have allowed myself to experiment with both wrongs and rights whenever they crossed my path.

In fact, after having tried them out, I feel there isn't any wrong or right at all. It's all about the context, the perspective of who is doing it, and the intention. Something that seems wrong or unethical or illegal or unhealthy at a certain point, may be the opposite in some other situation. And something that seemed like the right thing to do in the past, may become your biggest regret in the future.

So getting a 'high' from a hairspray is not even worthy of a naughty giggle from me. It is a discovery, an education – as long as I just do it ONCE.

The one-time rule gives me control: If the experience serves me in my quest towards self-growth and spiritual independence, I try to make it a habit. If it takes me towards dependence, ill-health or a sense of false identity, I never repeat it.

The trick lies in knowing WHO YOU ARE. I may have once had blonde highlights and still have a tattoo, but it does not define me. I tried it out – just like I tried out coloured contact lenses, bungee jumping, crazy food, intoxicants, failures, various kinds of meditation and all forms of love. They have added masala to my experiences and depth to my character. I am able to understand others who have been there, or empathise with those who are trapped. I am able to stay non-judgemental. I am even able to advise better – and everyone knows how fond I am of sharing gyan. :)

And most important of all, I have had fun.

It is perfectly possible to give up on the material world, its pleasures and its pains, and achieve enlightenment. That is what the sages do. But I am a mere woman, full of desires and yearnings and dreams. I find it is as effective to define and surpass myself by allowing myself a taste of all of them.

Just once.

How deep is your love?

2010-09-03T14:03:00.002+05:30

Early this morning I heard a beautiful bhajan on 92.7 FM while driving my daughter to her school for sports practice. Here are the punchlines at the end of each stanza, translated:

Who says God does not come?
You didn't call for Him like Meera did

Who says God does not eat?
You didn't feed Him berries like Shabari did

Who says God does not sleep?
You didn't put Him to sleep like Yashoda did

Who says God does not dance?
You didn't dance with Him like the gopis did

Of course the sweetness and tender playfulness of the original does not come through even half way in this English version, but a thought struck me as I listened: A devotee's love for God is paralleled with the love of the women in Krishna's life.

How interesting that the 'ultimate devotee' is often a woman -- be it Meera, the lovestruck poetess; Shabari, the poor beggar woman who bit every berry to check for its sweetness before offering it to her God; Yashoda, baby Krishna's devoted mother; or the gopis, Krishna's many girl buddies in his youth. The only ones missing are Radha, his soulmate, and Rukmini, his wife. I would add:

Who says God does not protect?
You didn't stand steadfast by Him like Rukmini did

Who says God does not love?
You didn't long for Him like Radha did

The bhajan reminded me of one of the tenets of my own Buddhist practice, which says, "It is not the universal Mystic Law to blame if your goals are not met or your dreams not fulfilled (be they material or spiritual). It is your own faith that has to be purified and the consistency of your spiritual practice that has to be worked on."

God's glorious love is always there for the taking. But how deep is your love?

Spirituality and brain science

2010-08-17T12:52:00.002+05:30

One of my seniors in faith is perplexed at my constant exploration of other forms of spirituality besides the one I am committed to – Nichiren Buddhism. “Why do you want to get yourself all confused?” this dear 65-year-old asks me. “This is a fine path, just stay on it and give it your total dedication.”

I have been in this faith for 6 years now, and I love it here. The focus, determination, support and protection that I have gained from this practice is immeasurable. Oddly, though, the deeper I go in faith, the more curious I get about other spiritual paths. How do they work? What is their philosophy? The thirst is never quenched, and I keep trying out different modalities.

So in the past few years, I’ve tried out NLP, Hypnotherapy, Art of Living, Past-life Regression, Vipassana, EFT, Louise Hay affirmations, ThetaHealing, yoga, pranayam, Pranic Healing and a whole lot of other stuff I keep picking up on the way.

They all make sense, and they all work, I believe. But I always do return home to Buddhism and my daily chant of nam myoho renge kyo.

Then I got my hands on a book called ‘How God Changes Your Brain’ by Dr Andrew Newberg and Mark Robert Waldman. And I’ve reached a part in it which completely explains and vindicates my thirst for newer techniques of meditation and prayer. According to the authors, different meditations stimulate different parts of the brain. Even the communal activity that my practice involves is a benefit. They say, “Social interaction strengthens the angular cingulate’s ability to respond to others with less stress… Attend social events that include different cultures and ethnicities, and visit different churches. Experiment with unfamiliar forms of meditation and prayer, and share your experiences with others who are on a spiritual path.”

They’re not saying this with a purely altruistic motive; they’re talking neuroscience. Spirituality is good for the brain and helps you live longer, happier and healthier.

These are some more points from the book:

• Your thoughts clearly affect the neurological functioning of your body.

• Optimism is essential for maintaining a healthy brain.

• Positive thoughts neurologically suppress negative thoughts.

• When you change the way you think, you begin to change your outward circumstances.

• Consciousness, reality, your mind, and your spiritual beliefs are profoundly interconnected and inseparable from the functioning of your brain.

So I am on the right path! Join me?

Tripping Over Joy

2010-05-23T11:37:00.001+05:30

What is the difference
between your experience of Existence
and that of a Saint?

The saint knows
that the spiritual path
is a sublime chess game with God
and that the Beloved
has just made a fantastic move
that the saint is now continually
tripping over joy
and bursting out in Laughter
and saying, "I surrender!"

Whereas, my dear,
I am afraid you still think
you have a thousand moves.

~Hafiz~

What a beautiful poem

2010-04-24T13:39:00.001+05:30

Lightbabies

We are Lightbabies. Golden Grace.
Wings, meant to fly.
We are delicate and pregnant
with goodness.
We are each made of such a quiet
that the entire Universe
can hear us.

There is only the Unfolding; the Opening
ever happening.
All else are thoughts—
lollipops for the mind.
We . . . are Lightbabies
parading
as Humankind.

‘Lightbabies’ – Em Claire
©2006 – All Rights Reserved

Meeting great minds - 1

2010-04-01T15:20:00.004+05:30

I recently met a Buddhist Lama, a woman called Kenden Bhutia, originally from Tibet but now settled in Sweden.

We had an invigorating chat over coffee at the Turtle Café in GK-1. She said a few things that had a great impact on me, so I shall put them down for future reference.

On one’s purpose in life: The primary purpose of this life is to achieve enlightenment. The second is to help our loved ones achieve enlightenment. The third is to contribute to humanity’s evolution. All else is irrelevant.

On reincarnation: Once this life is over, all the drama and destruction we create in our wake follows us in the next life, as karma and its consequences. If we do good causes, those count as merits, and we start off at a higher spiritual level in the next life. If we wilfully continue to live in ignorance, we stay mired in the web of illusion forever.

On material success: Running after material growth and riches is meaningless in the context of reincarnation. For example, if there was no gravity, what would happen to real estate? What is my home and your home and what are walls if we are all just floating in space? What would happen to inflated rents, and family feuds on property divisions? They mean nothing if the earth suddenly stopped holding on to us one day. Running after material wealth is as meaningless as that.

On eco-awareness: While humanity is looting and raping the planet in its own selfish interests, it does not realize it is this very earth we are going to return to later. Forget saving the planet for future generations – we need to save it for our own future selves.

On harmonious relationships: It’s never about the other person, it’s always about us. Ask them, ‘How are you?’ at the end of a long working day, from your heart. And see the response. We are so caught up in gratifying our own selves, we don’t realize the other person has their needs and desires too. The minute we start focusing on them, instead of us, the relationship will move towards harmony.

On financial insecurity: Ask yourself, what is my true worth? And put it at a million dollars. After that, no matter how much money you have in the bank, you will always be worth a million dollars to yourself and that's all that counts in the end.

On me: At the end our meeting, when we talked mostly about her life and philosophy, Kenden looked at me and said, smiling, "You need to get a massage, my dear. You've sacrificed for others all your life, it is now time to love yourself. You are too much in 'control', always in control, holding so much inside. Learn to let go."

Food for thought. :)

Alternative alternatives

2010-03-30T12:05:00.002+05:30

The room is dark and the girls are tucked into bed, discussing Hum Tum aur Ghost that we just saw. The topic veers to the female character who ‘comes out’ in the film.

“How can a girl be gay?” asks Isha, my 11-year-old.

“Both girls and boys can be gay. Gay girls are called lesbian,” informs Manasvi, my teen.

“Lesbian sounds like lasagna,” decides Isha.

“Dude, now don’t go to a restaurant and say, ‘I’ll have a lesbian please’,” warns Manasvi.

“What does gay sound like?” ponders the younger one.

Silence.

“Like egg,” comes the sober reply.

Yup. My kids are going to be homofoodic.

Drape of history

2010-03-17T10:39:00.001+05:30

It’s hailed as one of the most versatile garments in Indian history, and is an absolute must in any woman’s bridal trousseau, no matter what part of the country she belongs to. And yet the ubiquitous sari is not fashionable enough, it would seem, if a stroll down one of India’s Fashion Weeks is anything to go by.

Never mind the designers who stay faithful to the 5,000-year-old form – hail the Anamika Khannas, Suneet Varmas, Manish Malhotras, Deepika Govinds and Sabyasachis who include it in all their collections. I’m talking of the fashion frat – the celebs, journos, critics, socialites, sundry hangers on, buyers, sellers and party goers – who wouldn’t be caught dead in one at any do. I remember a conversation with a British guest at a fashion event once. “What lovely saris!” she exclaimed, pointing at mine and my colleague’s. “I’m surprised I haven’t seen more of these here.”

“This is a Delhi fashion week,” I said, wryly. “You’ll see more of them in Britain.”

It’s considered downright down-market to be seen in a sari at times (unless of course it has a designer label, comes with a now-you-see-me-now-you-don’t blouse, and is tied dangerously below the navel on a toned body a la Priyanka Chopra.) The regular silks, tussars, chanderis and cottons with their hearty, eternal ikats, kanthas, garas, kanjeevarams, bandhinis, patolas and block prints are left confined to political corridors and jholawalla events. Lord Krishna would despair to see his gift to Draupadi stoop to such untrendy depths.

The sari paradox would be intellectually stimulating if it weren’t so sad. On one hand, here’s a garment that gives employment to millions of textile designers, weavers, embroiderers and retailers; that outfits most women of this country on the most important days of their lives; that has spawned various other garments including the lehenga and the one-shouldered dress; and has inspired countless fashion designers in India and across the globe. On the other hand, here’s a garment that a modern, urban, fashionable, well-heeled Page 3 regular wouldn’t want to be caught dead in. It’s symbolic of our cultural schizophrenia: All things Indian are for family functions only. Outside the home, West is best.

The sari won’t die – it’s way too intrinsic to the Subcontinent dress code for that. It’s a technical feat, really: Created to both conceal and reveal, to allow movement and grace. Invented when needle-craft was unheard of, its versatility, femininity and sensuality are unparalleled even today. What young girl hasn’t clamoured to wear her first sari, borrowed from her mum, on her 12th class farewell party? What coquette hasn’t used a wilful pallu as the ultimate seduction tool? What bride hasn’t let her inhibition down with the first unwind of its six-yarded drape? What housewife hasn’t tucked its end around her waist in an inescapable symbol of hard work and sacrifice? What mother hasn’t fanned an infant’s fever or wiped her child’s tears with its generous width? The Indian woman’s sari is the tapestry of her life – weaving her joys, tears, wounds and wisdoms in its folds.

I suppose a few fashion events can hardly dent a history.

Conversation with Life

2010-03-10T09:27:00.004+05:30

(Dedicated to Aishwarya, who inspired me to write poetry again!)

Life rolled on the grass
and asked,
“How about it then, one last time?”

I shook my head, and turned
towards the sky,
“Not I. I’m done with pain.”

Life tugged at my shirt
and insisted,
“Just a little. For old times’ sake?”

I laughed at the ploy
and pulled Its cheeks,
“I’m too old now for your games.”

Life rushed about me, in a frenzy
with a cheeky grin,
“I have a gift for you if you do!”

I held Its dear hands in mine
and breathed love,
“I have a gift for you if I don’t!”

Life lay back on the grass
and blew bubbles,
“What can you give me that I don’t have already?”

I lay down with Life, painting castles
in the infinite sky,
“I'll give you Tomorrow. With a cherry on top.”

Coffee shop story 7

2010-03-01T17:54:00.002+05:30

Meenal was visibly nervous, and couldn't get herself to take a sip of her cappucino. "Why do I feel this way? What is wrong with me?" she pleaded Reshma across the table.

Reshma was slow to respond. "It's your subconscious mind that is making you feel this way," she said finally. "Your subconscious does not know right from wrong: it only tells you if what you are heading for is going to give you pain or pleasure, based on previous experiences."

Meenal stared at Reshma quietly for a moment, then continued voicing her thoughts: "He's my age, is wonderful to talk to, is as qualified and well-settled as I demanded from a second husband, is loving and fully accepting of me, has been divorced once so he can understand my situation... in fact he's the complete answer to my prayers. So why am I so nervous, so full of dread? It's not rational."

Reshma nodded in undertanding. "Most of what we do and feel is irrational. It's when we try to rationalise our feelings that we are on tricky ground. It's usually better to listen to them."

"So if I'm feeling this full of fear and panic, should I turn him down? But how will I ever find someone like this again?" Meenal cried.

Reshma collected her thoughts before speaking again: "If you're feeling so panicky for no reason whatsoever, it is probably your subconscious mind making a prediction that going in this direction is going to lead you to pain, based on previous experiences. But that does not mean you have to listen to it."

Meenal was even more confused. "You just said it's usually better to listen to our feelings."

Reshma took a deep breath and continued: "Yes, usually. That is where free will comes in. You can either choose to listen to your feelings, turn down this offer of marriage and then live with the consequences of that. Or you can tell yourself that just because a situation turned out painful in the past does not mean it will turn out the same way again, re-condition yourself, go ahead with this marriage, and then live with the consequences of that."

Meenal's face fell. "It sounds very hopeless I should say."

"If choosing to marry this man makes you feel that way, then it's probably not a good choice. You're going into it with a sense of dread - which will lead to actions based on fear instead of joy. Go into anything with a sense of hope and excitement," said Reshma, her own cappucino almost finished now.

"But I like him! I just don't feel like marrying him right now!" Meenal moaned.

"Then don't. What's the rush?"

"The rush is my family! They think I'm being needlessly fussy and should just get on with it! What would you do?" asked Meenal, suddenly.

Reshma pushed her cup away and sat back. "I can't answer that. We're not in the same situation. My responses would be completely different, because my circumstances and experiences have been different from yours."

Meenal leaned forward, insistently: "Would you choose a rational decision or go with your heart?"

Reshma looked at her friend with a small smile. "If this life is all there is, then it's better to be rational. But if there's eternity after this, then it's better to go with your heart. The heart goes on."

Meenal's face crinkled up into a frown. "And who knows the answer to that? What's the Truth?" she asked.

"There is no one answer. You have to be guided by your own Truth," said Reshma. Both friends' faces then broke into a smile simultaneously.

Meenal nodded. She had met her Truth some time ago, and she turned inward to look at It again. And there, in the palm of Its hand, her answer lay, smiling up at her.

Coffee shop story 6

2010-02-17T14:39:00.006+05:30

Prerna dipped a bread stick into the carrot and mint soup and watched as Jabeen twirled an ice cube around in her lime juice. “You’re still as skinny as a refugee from Sub-Saharan Africa,” she joked, trying to cheer up her morose friend. “Come on, you can have soup, can’t you?”

Jabeen shook her head. Food was an issue with her. Most of the time she felt she couldn’t swallow, as if her throat was full of leashed emotions and her chest full of fears. Her weight had hovered just above anorexic levels since her teens, ever since her first crush had found her too ‘fat’ for his taste. Three relationships later, and despite having crossed 30 years of age, she still let men make and break her self-image.

Prerna persisted. "You can't give up on life. Yes, so what if you keep attracting all the negative sort of men into your life... you can't give up living, can you?" she implored. But part of her knew it was no use. Jabeen was determined to be depressed.

Prerna could sympathise with her childhood friend. She'd known Jabeen since they were both three years old, and had watched how Jabeen's trusting but foolhardy nature would get her into rotten romances time and again. The first was a four-year relationship when Jabeen was still in her hometown Patna. The guy got a posting in Bangalore, and though Jabeen would make trips down to meet him once a month, he soon tired of her and started seeing other women there. Eventually he stopped taking her calls. The final straw was when Jabeen found out he'd given her an STD. The realisation that he'd been sleeping around broke her spirit. The disease was cured, but the virus of defeat and loss left her listless and dejected for the next few years.

With Prerna's help, Jabeen then moved to Delhi and started a new life with a new job. Eager to find herself in the arms of love again, she soon began dating a man younger than her, a politician's son, a bit of a coward. Despite their compatibility, and friendship, and the flame of desire that lit up their eyes every time they were together, he couldn't stand up to his folks about her. A Muslim girl, and older to him at that? They threatened to have her killed if he carried on with her. So he didn't. It was Prerna again who helped Jabeen pick up the pieces.

Finally, Jabeen's parents decided to take charge of her life, and got her married to a suitable Muslim boy. Like her, he was from Patna, and like her, he worked in Delhi. They started fighting two days after the wedding. They had no honeymoon. He wouldn't give her money for household expenses: "You work, don't you? So why do you need money from me?" He took away her jewellery and expensive personal items. He began going through her phone call list. Finally, he stole from her bank account using her ATM card. That was it, she decided, and left him.

Ten months after her wedding, Jabeen's divorce was now being finalised, and Prerna had taken a day off from work to be there with her on the momentous day. Poor unlucky soul, she kept thinking to herself over lunch. With sad gazes, the friends looked at each other. "When will you become smart about men?" Prerna chided her. "Just don't get into anything now. Give yourself some time, work on yourself a bit."

Jabeen nodded quietly. It was a sunny winter's day, and the hotel's coffee shop was humming with well-heeled activity, the scent of someone's French perfume lingering in the air. She had to go back to court to sign the final documents in an hour. She felt both relieved and distraught. Prerna pushed her plate of risotto towards her friend. "Here, take a bite, na."

Jabeen shook her head, then stopped and looked at the food. Slowly, carefully, she balanced a piece of mushroom on her fork and put it in her mouth. A string of cheese held on to the plate, and she gently twirled her fork around to cut it off.

It was warm and moist. And delicious.

Trust factor

2010-02-04T10:41:00.003+05:30

My daughter’s van driver never asks me for his monthly charges. But on the first of every month, I give my daughter Rs 700 to hand over to him. He and I never speak to each other. There is no receipt. And he comes day after day, on time, all month.

My canteen person in office doesn’t ask me for payment when I buy the odd biscuit or packet of chips from him. I go and offer him myself, whenever I remember. I doubt if he keeps accounts.

The lady at the British Council library counter didn’t have change when I had to make a late payment for books returned after the due date. I was Rs 16 short, and she said, “Give it to me next time.” I had no reason to go to the library for many months, but when I finally did, I made the payment. She had no memory of it but she accepted it as an everyday feature.

So many of our day-to-day interactions are based on something as flimsy as human trust. We trust that the bus will be on time; that the office will be open and functioning by the time you get there; that the tea will be on your table at sharp 11 am and then at 3 pm; that your child’s teacher will let you know if there’s a problem in school; that your neighbour won’t park their car in your space as part of an unspoken agreement. We trust the sun to rise in the morning and the moon and stars to shimmer at night. We trust our foot to find the ground every time we raise it in a walk, and our sense organs to perceive all that is around is. We trust our hair will dry after we wash it, and our nails will keep growing. We are able to live, breathe, move and talk because we trust ourselves to do so.

Trusting leads to faith, security, and eventually happiness. If our trust has been broken once, we find ourselves questioning every single action and word of another – setting ourselves up for insecurity and unhappiness. It is inevitable.

But it is not irreversible.

I resolve to trust again. To trust nature to find the best possible course for my growth and evolution as a human being. To trust love to fill up my heart with joy again. To trust passion to drive me to the edges of my boundaries and beyond. To trust my subconscious to steer me clear of toxic situations. To trust the universe to teach me all I need to learn and make me worthy of sharing those lessons with others. And in the process, to finally start trusting my own intuition and feelings again.

Life, thy will be done.

All roads lead to love

2010-01-27T15:38:00.004+05:30

I recently said to someone, ‘All relationships, in whatever form, eventually teach us love.’ She could not understand it, and cited references of abusive marriages or parents or vengeful business enemies. How was it possible for such relationships to teach us love when all we took away from them was angst, rage or the fire of loathing?

So let me try explaining. Recent developments in quantum physics and molecular biology have reaffirmed ancient Vedic assertions that the material world is nothing but energy – spinning at fantastical speeds, creating an ‘illusion’ of physical form but in essence being formless. With our naked eye, and limited intellect, we are unable to fathom this curtain of illusion, and we see it as the ‘truth’, as ‘reality’ and all that there is. But when powerful microscopes and other scientific instruments go to the core of the matter (pun intended) – well, there’s nothing there, but energy. And it’s the very same energy that runs through every single form in the universe.

That reaffirms the Buddha’s teachings that we are all One.

Further, most life forms follow the phototropic principle – that is, they gravitate towards light. Mammals not only gravitate towards light but also warmth and bonding. Humans, going further, gravitate towards light, warmth, bonding and love. If we accept the fact that we (all animals, plants, humans, non-living objects, space and the universe) are One, and made up of the same energy, then maybe we can also accept that we all love Love, and will move and grow towards it.

From the philosophical perspective, gurus tell us that we karmically attract situations to our life which will teach us exactly what we need to learn in order to grow as a spirit on the path to enlightenment / attainment of moksha. So even what we perceive as a 'negative situation' is not negative: it is merely a situation, but given our social conditioning and limited knowledge, we label it 'good' or 'bad'. So hate is not necessarily bad, and neither is rage or jealousy or vengeance. Even the worst atrocities committed by humankind show up later in the cycle of human evolution as a lesson in unity, compassion or a surge in humane consciousness. Eventually, even the most 'negative'-seeming situation WILL teach us love, which is why it happened.

And why do all living beings gravitate towards love? Because that is what Brahma is. Infinite, spontaneous, compassionate love. It's simple really, and so obvious, no?

Coffee shop story 5

2009-12-23T18:39:00.003+05:30

He picked up the phone just as Kashi was about to hang up.

“I told you not to call; what if I was with someone?” Himanshu hissed.

“Please, don’t do this to me, I’ve been sitting here all alone waiting for you, what could I do?” Kashi pleaded. She was clutching her handbag, sitting at a corner table. She had driven 18 kilometres to this Barista in Lokhandwala, with the hope that no one here would recognize her. But 20 minutes later, he hadn’t shown up.

“I’m just leaving, I told you, this goddamn meeting. You’re so paranoid, always picking such god-forsaken places to meet,” his voice rose. Then he became softer. “I’ll be there soon. Just hang on, okay baby?” He hung up.

She put her phone in her bag, and looked about. No one she knew. The waiter approached her again but she shook her head and he turned away, eyebrows raised wearily. She looked out the window. Her legs shook with the adrenaline rush coursing through her, and she sat at the edge of her chair, nervous, poised for flight.

It wasn't cheating, she kept telling herself. And even if it was, it was okay. Her husband couldn't love her the way other men could. He wasn't there for her when she needed him. He was so distant, so indifferent to her feelings and needs. Marrying him was a mistake. She should have stayed divorced. But it was a chronic ache for her: Her inability to support herself. She hated work, oh, how she hated the grind of going to a stuffy office day after day. How she hated the competition, gossip, politics, the other bitches who talked in whispers when she was around. It was better to be married, to have her basic needs taken care of. Even if she didn't have any feelings for the men she was married to.

Oh when would Himanshu arrive. With his smoke-filled breath that turned her on. With his cold eyes that filled her with a heat she could not control. With his rough, hard hands that would do things to her even when she was asleep.

He wasn't the first one, but would he be the last? No, he would never leave his wife, that too when she was pregnant. No, Kashi had no future with him. It would last a few months at most. But it was better than the last. The last had left a bitter taste in her mouth, besides some bruises all over her legs. She'd let him hurt her, because she needed to be hurt. She wanted to feel pain, anything but the numbness that had set into her marriage.

But now she was wiser. She wouldn't let them leave marks. Everything else, she was game.

The phone rang, and she jumped. Hurriedly retrieving it from her bag, her heart lurched when she saw his number. "Hey baby, sorry I can't make it. I can't be away from office so long," went his voice. Her heart sank like a ton of steel into her feet.

"Forget all this coffee business," he went on, when she didn't reply. "Just come to the guesthouse. It's closer for me."

"But we never sit together and just talk!" she whined, almost in tears.

"What's to talk?" he replied. "You and I are best with our mouths busy. See you in 20." The call ended.

The sickness in her stomach made her giddy, so much that she couldn't stand up. He treated her like dirt, seriously! He treated her like a bloody slut. He treated her like his personal property.

Without looking back, she rushed out of the coffee shop as if she was drunk, down the stairs, towards her car, her phone still in her hand, her bag flying open.

At this time of the afternoon, it would probably only take her 15 minutes if she drove fast.

Wife Wanted

2009-12-22T11:54:00.002+05:30

Once, a married male colleague and I were mourning our late working hours. "At least you got someone at home looking after your kids. I go home at 2 and then have to get up again at 6 to send the kids to school. You're lucky your wife is doing all that for you," I said, pouting.

"Why don't you also get yourself a wife?" he responded, in jest.

Somehow this conversation has stayed with me, years later. I do so badly need a wife. Someone to be there when the kids come from school; to make their breakfast and send them off in the morning; to do their homework with them in the afternoon; to take them to the park and play badminton in the evening; to make sure they're eating nutritious food; to keep a tab on their Internet use; to be with them when they need a shoulder to cry on. And to look after the house, the groceries, the cleaning and the domestic help.

It should be me doing all that – as per my biological and social role. But I am away all day earning an income (playing the husband), leaving this big gap in my kids' lives. For a while, my housekeeper filled in part of the role (a small part). But I guess nothing replaces 'the woman of the house'.

So I'm giving this advertisement out to the universe: Send me a wife. An efficient homemaker, mother and domestic finances manager.
Marital status: Any
Sex: No bar (and not required!)
Hours: 24/7
Salary: Almost nothing

Sigh. But who on earth is going to take up an offer like that?

Daily dose of courage syrup

2009-11-24T11:08:00.006+05:30

There's a certain magnetic pull that begins from your heart and goes all the way to your destiny and beyond, to every corner of the universe, space and time.

It is important to obey this pull. This is your calling, the reason you were born. When I do not obey it, I fall sick, am unable to breathe, feel like an 'extra' on this planet, and generally feel low on energy and will to live. When I do obey it, I am the opposite: Vibrant, full of energy and ideas, and happy.

So how do I know the difference? How do I know whether I am obeying my heart, my calling? Simple - I ask myself, "How do I feel right now?" If I feel rotten, I'm deviating from my Path. If I feel good, I must be on it.

But it takes some practice to know what's the Absolute 'Feeling Good', and the Relative version of it. Having a hot chocolate fudge is a relative 'feeling good'. It will dissipate in a few minutes, leaving me grumpy and guilty later. Waking up every morning with a smile on my face, thanking God for all my blessings, will give me an absolute 'feeling good', that will last me days if not all my life.

Similarly, obeying the dictates of others is a short-term, moralistic high. Obeying your own heart is a lifetime's pure high. Indulging your senses is a temporary happiness. Indulging all that love in your heart – and acting upon it – is an absolute happiness. It takes some practice to get it right, but once you do, it's smooth sailing.

These days, I'm feeling terribly sick. My thoughts, words and actions are completely out of alignment. I'm thinking something, saying something else, and doing things that are at complete tangents. It's because of lack of courage: To say what I mean, and to do what I believe in.

Wish there was something like 'courage syrups', like the ones you take for a cough. Actually there are. I get them in my inbox every day. Alright, so here's my dose of courage syrup for the day to myself, courtesy the Universe at www.tut.com: "Aekta, you are the most important being in your world right now. One day, you'll look back on this life and be so flush with love and admiration for yourself, your journey, and who it made you, that you'll wonder, as I do now, how it could possibly have escaped you then."

Thank you, universe. I needed that.

News flash: Give me an aah, give me an ooooh

2009-11-17T10:26:00.002+05:30

Berlin is in the news for more than one reason these days. While Germans and the international community got together to celebrate 20 years of the end of the Cold War at the city’s most significant symbol, the Brandenburg Gate, history of a sexier sort was being written in the streets and on the screens of Berlin.

A few days before this much publicised socio-political event, another revolution – of a more feminine sort – took place at the Berlin Pornography Festival. A prize for ‘feminist porn’ was given out for the first time, and more than half the entries were of porn films made by women for women. That means fake breasts and dubbed moaning are out, and focus on women’s orgasms is in.

Europe is no stranger to addressing female sexual needs. A visit to Berlin’s Museum of Erotica is any woman’s delight. From lingerie of all shapes and contraptions (plus-sizes aplenty) to vibrating dildos that are made with material that is ‘easy on your insides’, to mild, clever packaging that does not mention the word ‘sex toy’ anywhere – every concern is addressed. The staff are all women, and so are a majority of the customers, going through porn CDs and vibrating ‘eggs’ as if through grocery shelves, comparing prices, sizes and functions. Once in a while a young giggle goes up through an aisle of gels, anal balls and spiky condoms, but on the whole, it’s any other mundane store in Berlin.

So the fact that women are the fastest growing segment of sex-toys consumers comes as no surprise. But that women’s needs are being more directly addressed through a hitherto entirely male terrain – video pornography – is a tantalizing trend. Laura Meritt, owner of a sex store for women in Berlin, has initiated a ‘PorYes’ label (like a regulatory mark) on all porn films that show women as active subjects and not passive objects of the process. The PorYes label will also signal “proper working conditions” for actresses, more women in the director’s chair and priority given to safe sex, she says. (Meritt is also responsible for the oyster shape of the Feminist Porn trophy.)

It’s definitely a long step from the hilarious, if unsexy, Porn for Women book series, which had pictures of good-looking hunks doing housework, looking after babies and actually reading instructions before setting up a DVD player. While it does make you laugh, you can’t call it pornography in the real sense. On the other hand, what turns women on is not necessarily sentimental tosh either. "Porn made by a woman, for women, does not mean it will be boring," Meritt asserts.

Having women in the filmmaking seat may be a sign of better things for women porn lovers – naked men masturbating (as available on most ‘porn for women’ websites) is not really every woman’s sexual fantasy. Give us realistic, passionate couples instead. Thankfully, if Berlin 2009 is anything to go by, it’s going to quite a turn-on ahead.

Coffee shop story 4

2009-10-04T13:57:00.003+05:30

With two shopping bags in each hand, and her handbag on one shoulder, Neera could just about navigate the wet, crowded market on her way back to the car. Her mind whirled with a hundred things to do, and she didn't notice Manju saying hi as she walked towards her.

"Hey, long time! It's good to see you, you're looking so hassled though," laughed Manju, offering a hand with the bags.

"Hi Manju, yea, sorry, was doing the usual round of the stores. Am just so tired, you know how it is..." Neera grimaced. "So you're doing your daily shopping too?"

"Yes but I'm also looking for a silver payal for my colleague who's leaving. There's a little shop here that keeps stuff like that. Hey, it's been so long since we caught up, shall we have a coffee? Are you in a rush?" Manju tilted her head towards the cafe nearby.

Neera took just a moment to agree. She badly needed to put her feet up a bit.

Minutes later, they were discussing mothers-in-law woes and family duties. "It doesn't matter, you know, whether it's your mom or your mom-in-law," said Manju. "When you live with someone of another generation, there's bound to be a gap somewhere."

Neera was still all worked up from the events of her day and couldn't be comforted. "She knows I have so many things to do in a day but she just won't lend a hand. Yesterday no one was home when Aryan came back from school. Both my husband and his mom were out, and I was at work -- and they didn't even let me know of their plans. Only when I reached home did I find out he'd been sitting in the neighbour's flat all afternoon. Why must all the household and childcare duties fall on me? I work too! It's so unfair. Being a working woman, you have absolutely no support in our society."

Manju nodded her head. "It seems like a hard life. I live with my parents and trust me, it's no easier. They can be so difficult at this age."

"You're lucky you don't have kids," said Neera, glancing at her watch.

"Well, that's one way of looking at it," smiled Manju. "But being single in my 30s has made me very fixed in some ways, and my parents are getting more rigid and bitter day by day. It's hard for me to have friends over or stay out late nights. They have all these 'ideas' of how women should behave. Especially since my divorce..." her voice trailed off.

Neera looked at her with new interest. "So how do you handle it?"

"I don't, I suffer in silence. I have all this guilt on my head anyway."

"But it wasn't your fault your husband left you!" exclaimed Neera.

"Yes, but maybe it was... at a karmic level you know. I must be paying for past deeds," sighed Manju. "And now the cycle is still not complete. He left me, and my parents now reject me. They're so critical all the time. I can't do anything right in their eyes. I'm their imperfect daughter."

Neera grew indignant. "What are you saying? Your karma isn't just your past, it's also your present and your future. You can't change what's happened but you have the power to change what's going to happen. Stop giving others the power to judge you or criticise you."

"Yea, I do it enough myself anyway," Manju said wryly.

"So stop doing it," Neera instinctively clutched Manju's hands on the table and squeezed them tight. A burst of life energy rushed through their palms as their warmth connected. Manju looked up at Neera in surprise, unknowing of the vibrant red energy Neera was wilfully blessing her with. "You have to be aware of your strengths, the preciousness of your life!" said Neera passionately.

Manju's mouth broke into a smile, and then rushed into a shy giggle. "Yes, thank you, you're such a darling," she said, and pulled her hand away. Neera broke out of her spell and smiled too, sitting back. It was time for the bill.

That night Neera had a huge fight with her husband for not keeping track of the home loan payments especially since her cheque had bounced the previous month. Must she be responsible for everything? she screamed, picking up her pillow to go sleep with her seven-year-old in his room, her mother-in-law listening anxiously through the walls.

That night Manju decided to move out.

Coffee shop story 3

2009-10-01T13:28:00.003+05:30

It was a little after 4 p.m. when Payal and Amrita stepped into the coffee shop near their office, a much-needed respite from work. Over cold coffee (with whipped cream and sprinkles), they shared tales of their weekends.

“We had a parent-teacher meeting at my daughter’s school,” started Amrita. “I just die of total rock-bottom self-esteem levels every time I have to go for those.”

“Why?” inquired Payal, opening up the single-cookie packet and dividing it into two.

“Those women are all so pahunchi-hui types – so accomplished and all that. Someone’s from the Gandhi-Nehru clan, someone owns a million-dollar IT firm, someone’s a famous fashion designer. I mean, I feel great my daughter is mingling with the kids of all these people, but I personally feel very little among them,” Amrita grimaced, taking the half of Payal’s cookie.

“They’re probably as insecure as you are,” comforted Payal. “The more pahuncha hua they are, the more they have to worry about keeping up the appearance of being so.”

“Yes, but I can never compete with them, can I?” Amrita made a sad face, looking into her drink.

“I know how you feel,” said Payal sympathetically. “I feel that way whenever my husband’s friends come over. Trust me, it’s easier to be among those Page-Three people and retain your own identity. It’s harder when the ‘competition’ is all in the head, and not social standing.”

“What do you mean?”

“My husband and his friends are all intellectuals. They talk of politics and literature and world events and art. And I am the little nobody, sitting quietly in a corner, with nothing of significance to contribute to any conversation,” Payal shrugged, defensively.

“But you are so bright yourself!” exclaimed Amrita. “Why should making conversation be hard for you?”

“Because I’m not as brainy as they are. Because I’m just a silly woman with a low-IQ job in a small-time HR company. Because I’d rather talk of ‘lighter’ issues like our children and preserving the environment. I’m not in their league. They have bigger things on their minds. It’s a competition I lost years ago.”

It was Amrita’s turn to smile sympathetically. “If you ask me, I think you’re very intelligent and dedicated, and you have a lot to offer even the most intellectual of intellectuals. I learn so much from you whenever we talk.”

“Well, maybe you do – but that’s because you learn from everyone. And by the way, you should feel confident in front of all those women at your daughter’s school. You aren’t famous like them but you have your own set of strengths and talent and experiences, which they don’t,” stated Payal with finality. Their cold coffees down to the last burst of foam, they fidgeted in their seats, knowing it was time to go back to office.

“I guess we are all blessed in some way,” mused Amrita as they finally left the cafe. “I guess we need to crib less, and count our blessings more often.”

“Yes, at least we have someone to crib to, and to help us count those blessings,” replied Payal. They looked knowingly at one another and smiled.

Smiles which would warm their hearts and keep them silent company for many future parent-teacher meetings and family parties later.

Coffee shop story 2

2009-09-27T13:25:00.004+05:30

Vijeta fumbled in her bag for her cigarettes, keeping an eye out for Suni's arrival. She wouldn't be able to smoke indoors, so she was waiting outside the cafe. The sun was close to setting into the horizon, but surrounded by buildings, Vijeta had no way of knowing exactly where that confluence would happen. Just as she lit up and took a drag, Suni came to view, waving shyly, walking slowly towards her. Damn, thought Vijeta, hastily stubbing out. That was a total waste of perfectly good ciggie.

"Hey Suni, hi!" she beamed. "So good to see you here." The two women hugged and walked into the coffee bar. They placed their orders before they sat at a two-seater right in the centre, surrounded by noisy corporates just off from work. "So, how've you been doing?" began Vijeta, once they were settled. "It's been, what, three months since you arrived in Delhi?"

And so they discussed Suni's new job as a dentist in Max, her move from Hyderabad, and how her sister had put her in touch with Vijeta, to 'make friends with' in the big bad metro. Soon, as happens when women meet, the topic veered to men. "You're married, my sister told me," asked Suni, hesitantly. "I was," said Vijeta, not batting an eyelid. "Twice. Now I'm exploring other arrangements. What about you? You're single? Married? Seeing someone?"

Suni's eyes were wide open as she responded, "I'm single. No I've never been married. No I'm not seeing anyone. I never did." For a few moments both women looked at each other in equivalent surprise. "How old are you again?" frowned Vijeta.

"Forty."

"You're older than I am! And you've never been in a relationship, EVER?"

"No." Their eyes still locked, Vijeta's eyebrows shot up at Suni's slow response. "Why not?" she commanded, incredulous.

"Because I never found the right guy," offered Suni doubtfully, like she knew it was the wrong answer in a maths quiz.

"Honey, there IS no right guy," Vijeta let out a sigh and sat back. "You just have to make do with the wrong ones. Gosh. A virgin at forty!" She shook her head. She'd never encountered something like this before. A perfectly decent-looking woman too. Accomplished and brainy and all that. What was she thinking? The right guy? Yeah right.

Suni felt vaguely shameful. "What about you?" she asked the silence that had suddenly broken upon them. "Are you currently seeing someone?"

"Well, I have a friend with benefits at the moment. But no I'm not seeing anyone, not in the sense you mean."

Again silence, as Suni absorbed this. Seeing her squirm, Vijeta continued. "I was married eight years to the same guy once, and then two years to the next one. I'm trying to keep it simple now, you know. Focus on my work and my art and all that. Men are on the side, when the need arises."

Suni's next question popped out like a burp. "Where do you find all these men?" She was embarrassed immediately. But she looked at Vijeta's face expectantly, with savage curiosity, for a reaction.

"They're all over," dismissed Vijeta. "There's no shortage of them. If you have even the slightest need, they come crawling out of the woodwork. You're probably too focused on finding that 'perfect person' and all that. That's why you aren't considering the rest. Loosen up you know."

"I can't. I have all these moral issues," Suni said after a few thoughtful moments. "I've been brought up in a conservative way, focusing on my studies and then my medical practice. I kept thinking I'd only settle for the man who was equally qualified. And the next thing I knew, time had gone by and now I'm called a spinster. I don't like being here. It's lonely. I feel like I've missed on a lot. I pray every day for companionship."

Vijeta had a horrible urge to light up again, but she couldn't. "We're all lonely, darling," she said, and leaned across to look deeper into Suni's eyes. "Finding a man won't make you less lonely. It'll only distract you for a while before the devil strikes again. But even so, I'd rather keep myself open, you know. Morals shouldn't stop you from tasting all the different cuisines out there. Options. Possibilities. I like those words." She sat back again, and they stared at each other until the bill came.

They never met again. The new city swallowed Suni up in a whirlwind of patients and travel and timings. Vijeta went back to her day job, her men, her painting. But something changed after that day at the coffee shop. A string of each one's life force somehow connected to the heart of the other. Those few moments of soul-gazing gave them each a peek of the other side, a silent, humbling, exhilarating view of the unknown. It was like stepping to the edge of the precipice and pulling back. From what she'd never considered. What she'd never dreamt of.

From what she could have been.

Coffee shop story 1

2009-09-25T01:26:00.006+05:30

The last time she had crossed the coffee shop on the Malviya Nagar road, she’d been with Nikhil. She’d been gloriously happy about his presence at her side, looking around to see if others had noticed them and hoping they had. They’d held hands, Nikhil hesitantly leading her up the stairs to the café, a shaft of coffee-scented air hitting them as they entered. He’d looked around, then headed for the table by the counter, cramped but cosy. She’d shaken her head, and led him towards the window seat, with lots of room and light, and visible to all from the outside.

They sat there an hour, their single coffees offering moments of stretched, wrung-out time. She’d tried holding his gaze, but he’d keep looking out the window – the window she’d chosen to sit by. Then she’d given up and started looking out herself, occasionally tapping her foot to the music on the jukebox, peppy Bollywood tunes. His phone had rung a few times, putting them miles away across the two-foot table. Twice, she’d reached out and cupped his hands on the table. Twice, he’d smiled at her, but pulled away. Eventually, he’d paid and they’d left.

This time when she crossed the coffee shop, she was alone. Floods of memories rushed through her mind, overturning all truths in their path. He’d called it off because he didn’t want to hurt her. He was a depression patient; he didn’t want her to share his burden. It was alright; she was young and nearly pretty; there would be other men. But two broken engagements in a year was too much of a coincidence. She was obviously jinxed.

She hesitated at the entrance of the coffee shop, then walked in. The boy behind the counter asked her order. “One cappuccino,” she responded, and went to sit by the window at the same table as months ago. Her phone didn’t ring. The jukebox was silent. The window looked out at the same street with the same shops. She sat back in her chair and waited. May as well get used to it now, she thought grimly.

Unknown to her, a breeze lingered above her head, carrying with it dreams and destinations, enchantment and excitement. All she had to do was stand up, and it would hit her with its force, and change the course of her life. It would take her to places she’d never gone before and introduce her to fascinating people and experiences. It would morph her, twisting her thoughts until they looked nothing like her, turning her beliefs on their head.

She didn’t know this, of course, at the time she finished her coffee. It had just been 20 minutes since she'd entered, but the caffeine had cleared her head. She dug into her bag for her face mirror, checked her mouth, paid the bill, and resolved never to feel sorry for herself again. Life was full of possibilities. She’d stop whining and consider herself lucky, not jinxed. Then she stood up.

Swooosh.

And the rest was exactly as it was meant to be.

Broken endings

2009-09-21T20:55:00.000+05:30

Suddenly, marriages around me are breaking all over the place in bits and bites of hate and disillusionment, and I am sad and queasy. Nothing we ever do is without repercussion. Nothing.

Losing a parent to divorce is not the same as losing a parent to death. Yama fills in for the missing link. As far as the child (or the remaining partner) is concerned, the love is untouched. The person’s presence is missing, but the relationship is not. It will always be alive.

In a divorce, however, your world view itself is shaken up. Emotions take on degrees upon degrees of complexity. The father is no longer a father. The mother is a changed person. The family structure is skewed, one whole section of cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles is removed from your scheme of things (but not from your memory). A spouse becomes an enemy; a parent becomes a stranger. What was once love is proved hollow. What was once commitment and loyalty has dissipated in clouds of blame and abuse. Who belongs to whom? The answer shifts uneasily and turns its face away.

Do the benefits of divorcehood (of peace, personal space, freedom) outweigh the benefits of marriage (of your child having a complete home, social sanction and support, a co-shoulder for day-to-day drudgery)? I don’t know but I’m learning that every day, life throws up new battles. You have traded in some sorrows for some others. You have to constantly rationalize your choice, constantly reassure yourself that you did the right thing. Constantly ask yourself, “If I had to live my life again, would I still walk the same paths?” And constantly, convincingly, reply with a “Yes”.

But if I am honest with myself, there is a tinge of regret. I know what I’ve been through and I don’t recommend it to anyone else. I cannot undo the past, but there is a slight care that now leads my actions. Maybe it is doubt, maybe it is wisdom. Maybe it's all for the best. One thing’s for sure: ‘Been there, done that’ is not necessarily a happy ending.

Marital Status

2009-09-04T10:26:00.002+05:30

Once, there were only two options for marital status on application forms: Single / Married. They divided the world into the child and the grown up. The free and the bound. How simple things were.

Then, less than a decade ago, society changed. Organisations began giving more options in their forms: Single / Married / Divorced / Widowed. Now there could be grey areas too. You could be the virgin, the never-tasted-headiness ingénue. You could be the righteous householder, with kids perhaps or even if not, having done your dharma and blissfully adopted holy matrimony. You could be the villain in the narrative of a broken marriage, a wicked divorcee. Or a sob story and a victim of fate who’s lost a spouse. In that one instant of reading the form, the reader could figure out all your life values, moral codes, your upbringing and – who knows – what hairstyle your mother must have worn.

Now there are even more options: Being simply ‘single’ is passe. You have choose between Never Married / Divorced / Widowed. Married could be Married or Separated, and often asks who has custody of the kids. Suddenly filling out a simple form has become intrusive. It’s the reader’s overt right to moralise, judge and mark you as per their own beliefs. If your reader is conservative, she will read your being separated as someone who didn’t work hard enough to make things work but it’s alright because you’ve still kept the ‘marriage’ tag. If the reader is open-minded, he will read ‘divorced’ as a sign of freedom from the past. Who you are suddenly becomes dependant on who’s counting the tick marks in a form. School admissions and Mahindra Club Holidays have been declined for less.

But what about the subtext underlying these options: What if you are single and have adopted a child? Or married but unhappy – can you tick 'single' because you feel alone in your head? What if you are divorced not out of choice, but because your husband had an affair and left you? Or separated not because you are ineffectual but because the court case is taking so long? What if you are married twice, or thrice or four times – are you still the humble, dutiful householder that falls under category two? What if you are recently married but have never lived with your partner because he’s a green-card holder and hasn’t managed to get you a US visa yet – do you mark ‘married’ or ‘separated’? Or what if your husband lives in Chandigarh and you in Delhi because your kids go to school here and it was too much of a bother to move? What if you’ve been divorced but start living with your husband again so that your 30-something daughter can finally get married? What if you murdered your partner – are you a victim of fate? What if you were drugged on the day of your wedding, and ran away a week later? What if the man you loved faithfully for 27 years over phone calls and letters and emails died – can you call yourself his widow?

How do you fit all those options on a form?

It is the nature of Life to evolve towards complexity, and social structures are bound to follow the code. We can no longer just have two options for marital status on a form, we agree on that. But we also then need to stop judging a person based on what they tick. Until that happens, we’ll lose precious opportunities of discovering bright new worlds in a deceptive cloud of blame and praise.

Pro mommy

2009-08-25T08:36:00.006+05:30

Being a mother can be a great tool for a professional in today's world. Ironically though, Indian moms are more likely to be home than trying to rise up the corporate ladder, because their priorities are different.

But that does not take away from the fact that motherhood is a great training ground for the corporate leaders of tomorrow. Have a look at these instances, and tell me what they remind you of:

* Two kids fighting over whose pen it is or who gets to sit in the chair with armrests and who goes on the regular chair (Clue: Leadership skills in handling two subordinates sulking over who gets the better project)

* Attending a parent-teacher meeting in the first half of the morning, going to another kid's assembly to watch her perform, then rushing back home for breakfast before leaving for work (Clue: Time management during a busy production week when phones ring off the hook)

* Getting up early every morning without fail, no matter how badly you want those extra few minutes in the blanket, else they'll miss the bus (Clue: Punctuality and discipline)

* If they do miss the bus, then calling fellow moms to check who else can take the kid, or else preparing for Plan B: Getting dressed, driving 25 km to school and still getting to work on the other corner of the city on time (Clue: Quick decision-making and execution in times of crisis)

* Remembering to pack the dupatta that goes with the lehenga that she's going to wear in the school play, and if she forgets it, driving down quickly before the play starts and handing it over to the school teacher in time (Clue: Attention to detail and learning from past mistakes)

* Sitting late at night after a long day of work to complete a project on wildlife in North America while battling yawns and closing eyelids (Clue: Dedication and perseverance)

* Turning off the lights and hollering a final order to stop two pre-adolescent voices from continuing their argument in the dark (Clue: Delivering succinct commands and making sure they're followed)

* Admiring the latest painted clay teddy bear with perfectly round eyes and a crooked smile that came home from the pottery class, and giving a sweet kiss and a bubbly hug from time to time (Clue: Rewarding good performance and being genuine in praise)

I could go on and on. But you get the point.

The converse is also true: That, as mothers, we do learn a few tricks from observing incidents and behaviours at the workplace. So perhaps more moms should work outside of home to better their parenting skills, and workplaces should consciously hire more moms for better efficiency!

Satsang

2009-08-16T20:33:00.003+05:30

I got an SMS today that said: "Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose." This completely ties up with the idea I had earlier thanks to a comment by Shashi. (As we all know by now, coincidences don't just happen by chance!)

Like attracts like, as the law goes, so we usually end up making friends with people we have something in common with. When we need someone to talk to, we naturally reach out to these buddies, and they in turn give us advice based on which we make some key life decisions. So, as the old wives' saying goes, keep good company. In one word, 'satsang' (truth + company). Our friends keep us in high spirits, keep us positive and happy, and are a vital part of our life choices. Choose them with care.

Besides friends, we usually have other avenues of communicating, learning and community living. I think these too are important parts of our thinking process. The books you read, the websites you visit, the movies you watch, the parties you attend... All these shape us in subtle ways, adding layer on layer of subconscious responses. While we can hardly control the various messages we are bombarded with on a day-to-day basis from advertisements, television and other media, we can filter the ones we do have control over. If we have to read a book or watch a movie, may as well make it a meaningful one. If we have to socialise, may as well do it with those who enrich us.

Then, when the time comes for us to make the most important decisions of our lives, we have stronger tools and more courageous people to lean on. And that, as the great poet said, makes all the difference.

Period of calm

2009-08-09T20:03:00.003+05:30

I find myself drifting in and out of myself. Work to family, family to work. TV to books, books to spiritual talks, talks to TV. There is total calm, serenity. No judgments, no anxiety, no worries. No elation, no regrets. This is so unlike me that I don't know what to make of it. I'm finally 'living in the moment'. It's an anti-climax but it is fine. I am healed.

But knowing Life, this may well be the calm before the storm. Might as well stock up on the peace. :)

Bad bargain

2009-08-01T16:13:00.004+05:30

Some things just aren't meant to be.

My colleagues and I went to Dilli Haat for a hot, sunny, open-air lunch one afternoon. It was not a good day for me to be walking outdoors in the first place - I was in a sari, with uncomfortable heeled sandals, and it was terribly hot and humid. But everyone insisted so I didn't want to play spoilsport.

After sweating it out over Maharashtrian food, I decided to buy flat slippers on my way out, to ease at least one bit of discomfort. In a flustered hurry, I bought the first pair of 'matching' chappals I found, at Rs 180 without bargaining. Too soon, they were biting me, and with the lowered height, my sari dragged across the ground and kept tripping me up. In addition, the chappals had thin, smooth soles that made me slip, so I had to walk carefully to the point of paranoia. By the time I got home that evening, I was far more uncomfortable and miserable than I'd started out that morning.

I then decided to get an extra rubber sole fitted in at Rs 50, thinking I'd at least use the chappals once in a while if they gripped the floor better. But when I tried walking around the house one morning, they bit me all over again, and I pulled them off in pain. So there's Rs 230 wasted on shoes I'll never wear again.

Some things just aren't meant to be. When we are desperate, we end up making hasty, wrong choices, which sooner or later hurt us. Then we work harder to fix the problem, but realise it never will, and we've lost a whole lot more in trying a second time.

What I've learnt: Wear comfortable shoes EVERY DAY. And don't invest further in a bad bargain.

Book review

2009-07-24T11:09:00.002+05:30

Handle With Care
Jodi Picoult (Hachette, Rs 595)

Would you abort your special-needs child had you known of her disability in the womb? With Mumbai High Court’s Nikita Mehta abortion case not too distant in Indian public memory, Jodi Picoult’s latest novel rings a discomfiting bell, at once empathetic and tragic.

Charlotte O’Keefe’s second daughter Willow is born with osteogenesis imperfecta – a rare and severe form of brittle-bone disease, which leaves her with broken bones at the slightest stumble, shove or even a hug too tight. After six unsuccessful years of trying to keep Willow safe, neglecting the needs of her husband and elder daughter, and fighting poverty in the face of escalating medical expenses, Charlotte is ready to do anything to ensure a better future for her family. Even if means going to court to say Willow’s was a ‘wrongful birth’. Which happened because the doctor said the foetus was healthy. A doctor who happened to be Charlotte’s best friend.

Fraught with the disturbing wrangle of medical morality, legal loopholes and the obstinacy of motherly love, Handle With Care shakes you up and throws you about in an emotional roller coaster, so that each snap of Willow’s bones leaves you wincing. She’s a bright, adorable six-year-old who can reel off an encyclopaedia of facts. But she must also make sense of why her otherwise doting mother is willing to swear in court that she would have rather aborted her in the womb. Her step-sister Amelia struggles with neglect and bulimia. Her father tears himself apart, caught between the love of his daughter and his wife. Charlotte herself, the protagonist of the whole drama, totters above the colossal self-destruction of her own creation.

The chapters move from one character to another, addressed throughout to the little Willow, around whom the book revolves. With intense kindness, the author lays bare each person’s darkest wounds, thoughts and deeds, reminding us that joy and pain are two sides of the same coin. That desperation is but devotion turned on its head. That you can, indeed, love someone to death. An unforgettable, heart-wrenching read.

The gift

2009-07-23T11:55:00.002+05:30

Yesterday I made a statement that startled me. I said, “My asthma is actually my biggest gift.” I was talking to my parents, and this popped out. Let me explain why.

We were talking about health, and I was saying that if I had to list down negative things about my body, asthma would be on top of my list. It’s a curse, I said, and then went on to describe where it has got me.

Though I’ve had it since childhood, I discovered a direct correlation between my state of mind and my breathing troubles a few years ago. The more stressed out I felt, the more claustrophobic and restricted, the lesser control I felt I had on my environment, the more I wheezed. Once I made this discovery, I started making certain choices over a period of time:

1. Calmed myself down by telling myself I DID have control on my environment
2. Made myself think positive thoughts of largeness, openness, eternity
3. Went for long-term homeopathic treatment, which in turn made me cut out various food items from my life, which in turn has detoxified me
4. Cut down on obviously bad eating habits like eating late or overeating
5. Learnt to focus on my breathing a few times each day, which has taught me to ‘centre’ myself and not get carried away with circumstances
6. Recently started pranayam and walking daily, which will of course go a long way in keeping me healthy

Had I NOT had asthma, I would never have been the person I am – whom people describe as ‘calm’ and whose resting heart rate is almost as good as athletes! The positive thinking I have programmed into myself is a direct result of trying to rid myself of my breathing troubles. And it has in turn made my life a much more happier, peaceful existence in the span of a few years. Sure, things are tough at times, but I’m on top. I’m okay.

That’s why I said, my asthma is my biggest gift. And if I start looking at the other challenges in my life – what would traditionally be called ‘weaknesses’ – including my personality traits, physical attributes and life circumstances, I am sure I would find scores of learning lying in wait there too. What I find ‘good’ in my life, is my gift to myself – a place I have reached with hard work. But what I find ‘bad’ in my life, is God’s gift to me – to take me places I would never go otherwise, to take me closer to Him.

As someone said, tell me what is your biggest curse, and I will tell you why it’s your biggest blessing.

Blessings to all

2009-07-18T10:32:00.007+05:30

Today I prayed for my heartfriend, my twin, my soulmate, my true love. For her to have a fulfilling life, to have a good day, to get whatever she wishes for.

She's obviously not having a good day. She's at the divorce court and is emotionally wrecked. A break-up was not part of her plan for a happily ever after. She's an unwilling partner in the process.

My heart bleeds for her. I prayed for her this morning... and I still am. And while I do it, I realise one essential truth.

That when you really love someone, you don't wish for them to NEVER have any pain or trouble or even heartbreak. You don't wish for them to have an eventless life, a static existence. You do wish them growth, spiritually, materially, emotionally. And sadness, grief and loss are in fact part of that process. Growth is impossible without struggle.

So, my dear love, and indeed all the people I love dearly,

I wish you loss that you make great profits from.

I wish you grief that takes you to the depths of your being and touch eternity.

I wish you pain that is one with the highest pleasure.

I wish you heartbreak that creates a monster of compassion and infinite love out of you.

I wish you shunyata, nothingness, and I wish you the universe.

I wish you hell and its twin, heaven.

May you discover the diverse, multi-hued, multi-faceted forms of humanity within you. And may you realise the oneness that is God.

I love you and I will always be yours, in every lifetime.
Aekta

Learning unlearning

2009-07-11T20:56:00.003+05:30

These days, I find myself holding back, hesitant to voice an opinion or make quick judgements. Hesitant even to open up and share my thoughts.

I can distinctly sense that I am growing, but with every step I take, the greater the realisation of how far I have yet to go. So I'd rather not say much until I am sure it is the right thing to say. And who is to say it is the right thing at all?

I truly believe -- and have experienced -- that we are but instruments for a higher power. So speaking out my thoughts, experiences and lessons is alright. I am meant to share, or else there's no point going through it. But, forgive me, Life. You have only made me more careful. The passionate, fiery, emotional being I used to be has been replaced by something thoughtful, quieter. Sthirta. It's a good place to be. But now what?

You put me here, you show me the way. Life, thy will be done.

Kind, please

2009-07-04T20:47:00.004+05:30

Today my mom told me her theories on why so many marriages in urban India are breaking up.

She thinks it's because women today no longer want to sacrifice or work as hard as women earlier used to. We are nice girls, 'adjusting' even, but we just aren't as interested in 'making a home' as women in the old days were. We want careers, fulfilment, life outside home, equality in relationships. That's not how marriages work.

Besides that, parents are far too involved in their daughters' married lives. That's a total no-no if a woman is to adjust to her inlaws' way of life. She can't have her mother's sari pallu to run to each time there's an issue. The only way to learn swimming is to be thrown right in into the water - without floats.

It's not just my mom who thinks this way. I also recently met another middle-aged woman with similar thoughts. They may be right from their own perspective, but I could not help noticing how the onus of all things in a marriage, or relationships or society, falls on the woman. Even as the world changes, and global, social and cultural boundaries are re-written, it seems to be taken for granted that MEN will not change. It's the woman who has to make the choice, take the burden of it, carry it through to the end, and then get blamed if things don't turn out perfect. The man is a mute spectator - sometimes a vociferous obstacle course - but at the end, the default state of being. We, as women, must challenge our boundaries, work hard, fulfil biological roles, struggle to find a balance between self and society - all the time revolving around this untouchable thing called man in the centre.

It's unfair, if you ask me. If girls today aren't the 'homemakers' their mothers used to be, well, boys today aren't the 'family-men' their dads used to be either. So why blame one and not the other for collapsing marriages? The woman has always had it harder than men in achieving the same level of success. Why are we - as women, no less - making it worse for her with our lopsided judgements?

Change in society goes hand-in-hand with change in a collective mindset. If we stop being so hard on ourselves, perhaps things won't BE that hard for us, after all. As they say, do unto yourself as you want others to do unto you.

Three-point life funda

2009-02-23T15:41:00.003+05:30

In his recent book A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle writes of the three modalities of living in the moment. These are the three ways (emotions, techniques, call it what you will) of making sure Life lives through you, and that you live your life to the fullest. I found this a very practical mantra and I’ve put up these three medium-sized words on a tabletop frame: Acceptance, Enjoyment, Enthusiasm.

Acceptance: This means that even if you have limited control on your circumstance – and wouldn’t have really chosen what’s happening to you – even so, have complete acceptance of the situation. It’s like the woman who fell off a mountain but survived because she lost consciousness and her body went limp: Nature will take care of you if you let it. The problem is that we constantly resent our circumstances, bitch about them, complain to whoever listens and, thus, resist them. That’s what breaks bones and hearts. If we were to accept them, Life gets a chance to try Herself out through us, and how enriching that can be!

Enjoyment: The next step is to enjoy whatever is going on. This creates positive energy for everyone. Whether reading a book, talking to a colleague or browsing through the Net, have a sense of joy about whatever you’re doing. This also sounds like the quote: “If you can’t do what you love, love what you do.” There’s a purpose in doing whatever you’re doing. May as well make it fun, right?

Enthusiasm: Being enthusiastic – a word, which Tolle says, comes from the Greek meaning ‘inspired by God’ – is one of the best ways of living life to the fullest. I saw an illiterate teenage boy working in a lawyer’s basement office once. His job was to make coffee using the Espresso machine in a little makeshift pantry in one corner of the basement. Unlike other such office boys I have seen, this boy was highly enthused about his work: He was diligent about creating the maximum froth, careful about not making an unnecessary mess or wasting materials, and devoted when it came to cleaning up at the end. I was struck with his ‘being in the moment’. When he was making coffee, he was making coffee. He wasn’t hurrying to be anywhere else. He wasn’t dreaming of another future. He wasn’t moping about his miserable past. He was just all there, doing every little action with complete attention, honesty and, yes, even enthusiasm. I admired the boy in that moment. The universe must have had a great high breathing through him.

The idea is to go for any one of these modalities in order to live in the moment and fulfil our potential. If you can’t be enthusiastic about what you’re doing, then try enjoying it. If you can’t even enjoy it, at least accept it. As the Zen masters say, “Do nothing. Follow the past of least resistance.” So simple and yet so difficult. Ahhh, such is Life.

Back to School

2009-02-23T01:10:00.004+05:30

I have found happiness, right? So I can take on some pain? Some new battle to fight, some spiritual challenge? How about it, how about a self-examination? Strength and courage mean nothing in times of peace, they need a war to prove themselves. Do I have it in me?

And so on, I went, convincing myself to return to the most horrible scenes of my life, to pick up where I'd left off and start afresh, prepare to dig new wounds all over again. There was confusion, yes, a battle between the head and heart, and the head was winning. The pain-body was relishing the prospect of becoming active again after so many years of lying subservient to my personal joy.

There came messages from the universe: "You alone are the author of the book that is your life." "If you know who you are, why the confusion in choices?" "You are only responsible for your own happiness. If you aren't happy, WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT in trying to make others happy?"

But I ignored all the lessons I'd learnt over the past few years, and willed myself to go against my grain.

Thankfully, one day, Life appeared to me in all Her glory. "I will not let you do this. THERE!" And she threw me off track in one single stroke. "This road is closed. Now what are you going to do about it?"

I wailed, I whimpered, I howled, I thrashed about in a tantrum, sniffed in a sulky sickness, and cursed myself for days. Finally, when I calmed down, Life whispered to me again tonight, loving, caressing, soothing in my ear: "If I wanted to experience a picture-perfect life, I would have looked elsewhere, not here. Through you, I want to experience YOU, YOUR way of living, YOUR choices, YOUR dreams, YOUR passions and YOUR destiny. Stop trying to be someone else. Just be yourself, and do what gives you joy. That's all I want from you, babe."

I nodded and wiped a tear away and snuggled up to Her. "I choose joy every single moment of the rest of my life. I promise." Hope I graduate from this class this time.

Changeling

2009-01-01T23:05:00.006+05:30

Rehana wondered why she was always the odd one out. The right-brain in a family of left-brainers. The poet amidst the accountants and engineers. The 'dreamy' one in a Commerce classroom at school. Then in college, the foreigner in a class of locals. The exotic out-of-towner among middle-class extended relatives. After marriage, the 'glamorous' pasta-favouring bhabi in a simple choley bhature-savouring family. At kitty parties, the bored intellectual. At work, the wide-eyed ingenue. Amongst jaded colleagues, the enthusiastic let's-go-getter. Between friends, the freedom seeker. Around school moms, the clumsy, date-forgetting clutz. At professional events, the one in control.

Rehana wondered why she was always the 'different one', in every environment, from the time she was born.

Then, one day, she was asked to 'change' herself, to conform to the stereotype, in order to grow in her career. At the same time, she came across a crossroads in her personal life. Choice one, go with social acceptance. Two, go with the heart.

That day, she realised why she was always the different one. It was a kind of training ground, preparing her for the most important role of her life: To be the 'odd' one out in a work environment full of fake smiles and hollow hearts. To be the 'real thing' in a world of clones. She would not become a stereotype, because she couldn't, she decided. She was used to being different, and perhaps that's what her industry needed. If her management wanted to go with her, good for them. If not, good for her.

And in her personal life, she again decided, true to habit, to be 'different'. She chose neither social acceptance nor the whimsical heart. Instead, she chose independence over dependence, self-love over sacrifice, the present moment instead of a ghost of a future. She chose her soul.

She told me of her decisions today, and asked me if I approved. I said, if she still needed my approval, she obviously wasn't getting the point. She nodded and laughed, and left without further questions. I smiled as she walked away. This book is only half done. And here's when it gets really interesting.

Sharing the guidance

2008-09-09T17:57:00.003+05:30

I recently met a man who is a senior leader in my practice; I'd never met him before and he doesn't know who I am except for what I have told him. But he shared some universal wisdom with me which I shall note down here for future reference.

At first I listed all the sundry challenges I face in my day-to-day life, my history, my dreams for my future. Then I asked him some questions, and here are his responses:

Q. How do I climb over all these practical issues that confront me on a daily basis, and rise higher to fulfil my greater destiny?
A. Where does the lotus bloom? In the mud. So your daily battles are actually fodder for your growth. They are opportunities for you to pray and empower yourself. They will strengthen you. In the process of overcoming them, you will automatically rise in spiritual growth.

Q. I am confused about some decisions in my life. What path should I take, should I listen to my parents, or my friends, or my senior leaders?
A. Listen to your own heart. What gives you inner joy? Don't remain in any situation out of compromise. Do what makes you happy. But before that, empower yourself to such an extent that either way, you will be able to manage your life gracefully and with courage. And your children, friends and parents should be inspired by you. If you are strong and focused, they will also support you.

Q. How do I manage adolescent angst and maintain harmony at home?
A. With love, support, and more love. Keep this desire in your prayers every day, and fill yourself up with joy so that you only project that and nothing else.

Q. How do I reach out and help others if I have not yet managed to overcome my own problems?
A. On the contrary, help others and you'll end up helping yourself. While reaching out, we increase our boundaries and challenge our perspectives. We grow as human beings and find solutions to our own problems. Don't wait to be an enlightened person before you reach out to help others; it works the other way around.

Q. Tell me one way to start on my spiritual growth.
A. Fix a target, both in prayer and in action, and work towards it with complete dedication and perseverance.

Well, I was so motivated by him that I've fixed a some targets for the next six months. Need to get cracking.

Roaring regret

2008-08-06T23:07:00.008+05:30

How do you deal with regret?

Not the pestering little kinds, hanging on like forlorn strings from forgotten corners of your life. Those you can just cut off with the flick of a memory knife. Those ghosts have been exorcised long ago.

I'm talking the ONE BIG REGRET OF MY LIFE kind of regret. Which fills out all the hollows of your body with its bitter bile and clouds all mention of anybody else's fulfilment with tear-laden envy. The kind which makes your lips turn down like pie gone sour, like a baby denied a lollipop. "Wahhhh," the baby cries. "I wanted that lollipop!" It never ends. That kind of regret.

For me it was an American graduation. (Due to a three-year Indian graduation, I'd have to do a year more and then two more of a Master's degree, to have an American graduation.) I was offered three years of a dreamed American college life on one hand, and a reluctant marriage on the other. I was 20. Blindfolded, I reached out to pick my fortune. And voila. I was 30 and separated with two kids. With American college life now only a possibility for the next generation. If their mother manages to save anything till then on her single income.

Then, after four years of growing up and growing out and growing in, I thought today: Why ever not? I will have that American graduation. Some day. Who knows, I may just join the kids when it's their turn. I'll save for three graduations, not just two (these girls will have to do without the big fat Indian wedding though; prospective sons-in-law, beware). We'll stay in an apartment together to save on dorm fees. I'll do psychology. Psychotherapy. Diplomacy and international relations. Sociology. Anthropology. I don't know... the Vedas.

And it will be just like in the brochures. Autumn leaves falling on a lush green lawn, an old wise building smiling benevolently behind me as I sit on wizened old steps reading big books full of big words and bigger sentences. The young students will mistakenly address me as professor. My daughters will roll their eyes and avoid me like they do already. I'll freelance to get us through the financials.

My memory won't be as sharp as it would have been at 20. But my experience, passion and dedication will cover up for it. I'll sail through my exams. The kids will be proud of me, though they'll still roll their eyes when I throw my hat into the air during my graduation ceremony.

And by then I'll be a famous editor and author, and media organisations will jump over themselves offering me positions. I'll never have to worry about money for the rest of my life. I'll have a beautiful home and I'll travel first class around the world. I'll still discourage the big fat Indian weddings though, out of principle, you know. It will be a fulfilled ending after all.

There you see. That's what you do with regret, THE ONE BIG REGRET OF MY LIFE kind. You turn it on its plump derriere into a desire, a dream, a goal. So that it starts reading THE ONE BIG LIFE OF MY REGRET and fills up all the hollows of your body with roaring, fiery blood, and clouds all visions with an adrenaline rush the size of a bungee jump. And you never want it to end. That kind of life.

Bring it on, I say.

Washed down

2008-07-02T19:09:00.004+05:30

It was a regular, maddening day at work. People were calling out information over my cubicle, the boss was calling us in for a meeting. The copy intern was making gestures about something I couldn't figure out. I was talking simultaneously on my cell and on a chat window with a PR person and my colleague in Mumbai. Then my office direct line rings.

"Hello, is this A?" said a middle-aged female voice.

"Yes."

"Hello ji, this is B, mother of P," she said in Punjabi English.

"Yes?" I said, uncomprehendingly.

"I just called to say that we are giving Comet a bath tomorrow."

I'm stumped. "Giving Comet a bath?"

"Yes, actually I didn't have your home number and your daughter Isha told me to inform you when we'd next give our dog his bath. She wanted to be there. So it's tomorrow."

Realisation dawned. To bite my laughter down, I said, "Oh yes, yes, I'll tell her. Her school has just reopened today so she isn't home right now."

"Oh? School has started? We can wash him on Saturday if she prefers that."

The guffaw that burst out of my mouth was completely involuntary. "No, tomorrow is just fine." I kept the phone, smiling at the receiver.

This is a neighbour I've only met once. They're a middle-aged couple who were quite surprised when a bold, trusting little 9-year-old just went walking their dog one day and came back home with him, and then repeated the activity every day. Isha is now a part of their daily routine, it looks like. She has a happening life.

I go back to my press releases, and calls waiting to be made, and mails to be answered, and shoots to be coordinated, and product information to be researched. But the sunshine this little call creates in my mind, and the bubbles of laughter it creates in my heart, stay well till dusk.

Comet's bath has cleansed me completely.

Mindfulness in Daily Life

2008-02-29T14:39:00.000+05:30

Between waking up late this morning and rushing through your domestic routine; to finding a pile of work waiting at the office; to returning home to realise your kid’s exams start the next day; to bickering with your partner over finances; to falling into a restless sleep at night; you’ve had this thought quite a few times: What a bugger of a life.

When that happens, hold on for a minute and remember this scientific fact: Like all living beings in the animal and plant kingdom, if nature has put you in a certain environment, it has also given you the tools to deal with it.

And the only tool we need, as urban, busy, pre-occupied, mind-dominated human beings is our ability to live in the moment. It is a form of yoga; it can be done anywhere; and once we get the hang of it, nothing is too difficult to handle.

People have different ways and preferences to help them live in the moment. Some get their kick from physical exertion, like exercise or trekking. Some get it from prayer. Some from cooking or cleaning out the cupboards. Some read. Some hit the jacuzzi at a spa. There is no fixed path; it is merely a matter of finding ‘your thing’ and then doing it.

What happens when we are doing that one thing that requires all of our energy and focus? We stop living in the past and the future, and are deeply present in the now. The yogis would tell you that’s the only way to be, really. According to Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations with God – or even a modern-day physicist for that matter – time is not horizontal (going from past to future or from one moment to another) but vertical (going from eternity to eternity in the single point that is the present). The Buddha called it 3,000 realms in a single moment. It’s common sense: The past is gone; you no longer have it. The future is in your mind, imagination, fantasy; it doesn’t exist. What do you have? The present moment, of course.

And yet, despite knowing that, you may still find your mind whirling with thoughts, regrets, plans, schedules, guilt, worries for the past or the future. It is a hell of a monkey, this mind, say the ancient texts. It must be controlled before it wreaks havoc.

Learn the act of ‘thoughtlessness’ – also variously called ‘mindfulness’ or ‘life awareness’. It is not about being cut off from the world you live; it is about being acutely aware of every single moment of it – from the pleasure to the pain, from the heaven to the hell to everything in between.

It’s useful to learn how to go into your ‘inner body’. Spiritual author Eckhart Tolle describes it as feeling sensations from inside out, instead of from outside in. He says the body loves the attention. The Art of Living course teaches you to concentrate on your breath, feeling the sensation of the air going in and out all the way down to your stomach. What does concentrating on your body / breath do for you? It kicks the monkey out of your head, and lets you connect with your own life force. The monkey will return, no doubt, but you can simply kick it out again, and go back to breathing, relaxing, being.

Do this whenever you have a few minutes: Standing in a queue, getting a pedicure done, waiting for a mail to download. In addition, make life choices that allow you to live in the moment more often: Choose instrumental music over the cacophony of the FM; walk instead of driving; observe children and animals whenever possible; listen wholeheartedly when someone speaks; laugh more. Even if you must suffer pain, feel it, don’t turn away. It is a powerful way of overcoming it. Once you’ve been there, absorbed its acuteness, honoured it, it cannot debilitate you. It only fuels you further.

When you live in the moment, colours are brighter, sensations are more intense, feelings are partners, people are just people. And the monkey in your head? It’s tamed and ready to do your bidding.

Om integrated Om

2007-11-04T14:13:00.000+05:30

Continued from last post...

Hi again. You must be wondering why I suddenly wanted to write about the meaning of Om. I'd been researching on it for a piece I plan to write in my magazine next month; and this one particular meaning resonated while I was reading your message to me.

The sound of Om is divided into 'a', 'u', 'm' and the silence between two Oms. The 'a' represents the conscious, waking mind. The 'u' represents the dream state, when the mind is unconscious and the imagination takes over. The 'm' is the deep sleep state, when the mind is at rest. The silence between the Oms is the default state of the divine, the universal Being, the infinite consciousness, God (call it what appeals to you).

We start from the silence, create sound and life, and emerge back into silence. This is the rhythm of the universe. This is how we breathe, notice? We are always in a state of Om (prayer, oneness with the divine) with every breath we take. We just don't realise it.

What is it that stays on, connecting the 'a', 'u' and 'm' states? Why is that we do not lose our memory once we wake? It's the real You that connects the dots, and goes on. Not that 'you' which has issues with your mom in the waking state, is uncomfortable talking about her with your partner. Not that 'you' which has uneasy dreams or visions of having missed the train (just a reference to Jab We Met, wonderful film!). Not that 'you' which tucks itself deep into the universal consciousness each night and wakes up refreshed and recharged. They are all 'you' too, yes, but they are not the 'Real You'. That You is eternal, unchanging, unhurtable by the movements and sounds and sights of your daily life.

That You will go on, forever. You are not your pain, you are not your thoughts, you are not your dreams. You are not your doubts and your insecurities. The real You exists beyond all those illusions. Eckhart Tolle calls them the 'pain-body'. As long as you identify with your pain, past hurts, you are feeding it. The minute you step back, watch it, refuse to identify with it, it loses its bite. It no longer has the capacity to hurt you.

Jaya Row explains it as the roasted seeds that Sudama brought to Krishna. As long as the seed is raw, it has the capacity to sprout and lead to further growth. The seed here is all our earthly desires, our pains, our pleasures. As long as we feed them, they sprout. The minute we roast them, they no longer have the capacity to sprout, but they are still edible and serve their purpose and satisfy our hunger.

Desires, pain, pleasures, dreams: they have a purpose. But roast them. Feed on them, don't let them feed on YOU.

Step back from your pain-body. From all your past hurts, your doubts and fears. They do not define you. You have given them definition and LET them define you. Your pain-body thinks it is You. Stop it right there.

There is nothing 'wrong' with your past experience. Once you stop looking at it as a 'problem area', it loses its bite, subsides, stays there benign and waiting for your next command. And it no longer matters whether your partner knows or doesn't.

Your relationship with him is your present; be careful the choices you make, the actions you take. Do what serves you. Does it help to be silent about the past? Does it help to open up? Does it help to lay all those ghosts to rest so that they longer have any power over you or your actions?

From personal experience, I can assure you that your partner will only have as many issues with this issue as YOU do. If you are okay with your past, he will be too. If you have made peace with it, he will too. If this is a non-issue for you, it will be for him too. Your external environment is a reflection of your own inner life condition, remember?

So perhaps you need to heal yourself of your hurts, make peace with your relationship with your mother, and then everything else will follow. Your partner can be with you on your journey, or he can join you at the end of the ride. It's up to you, what you think benefits you and this relationship the most. Heal what needs healing; enjoy what is there to enjoy. Don't confuse the two!

And always remember, the real You will go on. Much after all this is over. Have you told Yourself lately how much you love You?

Look ma, no hurts

2007-11-03T10:28:00.001+05:30

Anonymous wrote: Hi Aekta, In spite of having a superficially normal relation with my mother, I have not been able to forgive or forget certain incidents from the past which have hurt me at an unimaginable level. The problem is my partner doesnt know of these and I dont want him to know. Is it wrong to hide these things from your partner? If not, how do I explain to him the certain coldness in my relationship with my mother? Thanks.

Hi.
It's funny how every single person I know has a love-hate relationship with their mom or has gone through one at some point in their lives! At least in my own or the younger generations. I haven't been close enough to the older generation to know if they had the same issues. I suspect they used to accept a lot of things with fewer hang-ups than we are willing to do today.

In our case, we are constantly dealing with various conflicting emotions and beliefs: (1) We compare ourselves to them, and come out better or worse. (2) We try to see ourselves as 'beyond' just their daughters (or sons), but it always comes down to the fact that we cannot escape the one who gave us birth. (3) We try to see them as humans capable of failings too but it messes us up because we'd seen them as some sort of demi-gods as little kids. (4) We insist we aren't like them; and then are freaked out when we begin showing exactly the same traits.

Our relationships with our moms are vital because they define our relationships with ourselves. She is both human and god for us. And in a way, that's who we all are: both human and god. Like humans, we err, stumble, wonder, hurt, seek. Like gods, we create, give birth, know.

Hence, your mother is a godsent lesson in the laws of the universe if you look at it that way: (1) That's who or what you come from (does that make you happy or sad?); see your past karmas (2) If you repeat the choices / actions she's made or is making, you'll end up the same way (does that make you happy or sad?); be careful with your current karmas (3) If you can accept her for what she is and yet not judge her for it, great, you're on the path to enlightenment because you've just done that for yourself and, consequently, all of mankind.

Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own selves and our own choices. We cannot undo the choices our mothers made for us, which we may think caused us hurt or damage. We can merely accept them as past karma and move on from that point. What's more important now is: what are we doing with our present? Are we making choices we believe in, or are we re-making the choices our mothers made? Are we learning from her mistakes, or are we adding on to them like toppings on a ruined pizza?

Forget what her past actions say about her, what are your present actions saying about you? Her actions define her. Your actions define you. Are you happy with who you are? If yes, I congratulate you and would like some tips from you! If not, ask yourself, am I the person I have always wanted to be? What more can I do to be that person? And then do it. And all your relationships will fall in place, those with people and with the whole universe.

Of course, healing is a process and it's necessary for most of us. I personally went in for something called 'hypnotherapy' to deal with assumed hurt that my mother had caused me. The therapist took me down to my childhood, and we discovered that I'd carried certain perceptions of my mom as a god-figure that I could never compare with from the age of four. So it's hardly surprising that when she did not behave too god-like, and what in my defintion would be 'weak', I felt subconsciously betrayed in my teens and later years. The therapist made me 'ask' her (in my dream state) why she did all that, why she let me down, why she didn't stand up for me when I needed her. And the answers made me realise just how human my mother was: she had her own compulsions; health issues; family issues; shift of house and adjustment issues; and yes emotional dilemmas or simple weaknesses that she was going through at those times in our lives.

Was it my mother giving me those answers? She wasn't even in the country! No, it was my own subconscious talking back to me. Stuff that I knew but didn't know I knew (well, some would say it's a universal consciousness, so it was my mother, but let's not get into that). But by 'understanding' her point of view, I was able to accept a lot of whys and hows. It helped me tremendously in letting go of those ghosts from my past. Of course I have a lot of day-to-day or ideological issues with her even now. But somehow, things are calmer inside me. I understand where she's coming from. And I know where I have to go. And I am able to love her as a reflection of my past karma, respect her for being the god who created me, and accept her for the human she is without judging her.

But why am I boring you with my own story?

Instead, in my next post, I will bore you with something else entirely. The meaning of Om.

Duality dilemma continued

2007-09-28T20:27:00.000+05:30

Dear Anon,
A promise is a promise and so there is no excuse. I'm so very sorry for not posting the second part of the post, the one perhaps more of interest to you!

Following with the previous post, there are no wrongs or rights in life. There are merely choices and living with the consequences of those choices. Since the soul's journey and its final destination are both evolution, it is necessary that we make some wrong choices at some points, in order to know what the right ones should have been. Not 'wrong' or 'right' as in moral terms (I do not subscribe to morality, it is an empty concept too full of holes). But 'right' or 'wrong' as in 'what serves you' and 'what doesn't serve you' respectively.

Another interesting concept that comes up when you begin believing in the concept of the soul's evolution is: self-centredness. A pure soul is a self-centred soul. Does it sound selfish? It is, and yet not in the negative sense we are conditioned to believe 'selfish' means. By being centred in, zeroed in, on to yourself, you are actually doing what's best for you AND those around you. By being focused on whatever you really want, including the best for those you love, you are inviting those events and causes towards you. Those which not only bring YOU happiness but also bring happiness to the ones you care for.

Besides focused goals, self-centredness also requires a certain 'giving up' of yourself to the universe. Having faith that everything will fall out right in the end. Because it has to. Because your soul will have it no other way.

As women (are you Indian??), we are conditioned to 'sacrifice' ourselves for the sake of our families. We are taught that 'selfishness' is a bad term. Let's get rid of this mentality right away. Sacrifices are useless. They only leave you resentful, negative and hating those you've made sacrifices for. And the other person has no value for it. And being selfish, or let's call it self-centred, is necessary for evolution. It is how nature has designed us. Why should we deny ourselves what is best for us?

My point is: Make CHOICES, not sacrifices. Think of what makes YOU happy, do not worry about others' happiness. You cannot make everyone happy anyway. And it's not your job.

Your job is to fulfill yourself, to discover the divine within you, to tap into the bliss and joy that lies underneath all the negativity of the surface, and to shine like the star that you are. By achieving that, you are also going to inspire several others along the way as well, not the least your own kids.

Does it serve this purpose to give into your attraction/love/desire for another man? Beware that it is a difficult choice; there's a thorny road ahead if you choose him, you will be ostracised, your family will break up, your outside world will turn upside down. And it will make you miserable as well.

And yet, my darling, it's a thorny road even if you don't choose him. You will yearn, your heart will break, your inner world will turn upside down. And it will reflect in the world outside you as well.

Do you see it now? Your soul has CREATED this crossroads for itself. Either way, there is going to be pain. There HAS to be, if there is to be growth. And that's what your soul wanted. You are the threshold of a great evolution, a great turning point in your life. I am so proud of you already. I can see the raw carbon being cut and polished, and soon, the brilliant diamond is going to emerge.

If you're looking for the answer on this blog, you won't find it. The answer is within your own heart. Look inside yourself. This is an excellent juncture to take up some form of meditation, prayer, spirituality, serving others, losing yourself in any talent or form of art, whatever you are drawn to. Do it with faith, with conviction. It's a beautiful process, discovering yourself. It is going to open up whole new worlds for you - both inside and on the outside.

Once you discover yourself, you will also know what you want, and your choice will become clear. And who knows. Maybe the choice you make will be entirely different from the two options above.

Whatever choice you make, you alone have to live with its consequences. Not me, not your kids, not your lover, not your husband. They create their own karmas and destinies. You are only responsible for your own. Once you start taking responsibility for your own life, ALL of your life will make total sense. And it will be in complete rhythm with the universe, because that is how it is meant to be.

Live by the rules of your own soul, not someone else's. Do what makes YOU happy. No compromises. Only when you are happy can you make others happy. Choose your destiny, and then live it with joy and passion and love and bliss. Don't make a choice you think you will regret; and don't regret the choice you make.

"Above all, to thine own self be true."

Life is truly beautiful once you change your perspective. Open your heart.

Duality dilemma

2007-09-23T12:56:00.000+05:30

Anon wrote: "im in love with a married man. you may think that i am one stupid woman. but i am seriously in love, except that im also married. i have kids and he also. this is not a fling. it has lasted 7 years and we are getting to a point where it is getting difficult to live without eachother. my marriage is okay. i have been on the receiving end of my husbands perversion relating to sex, but that's not the reason why i am in the other relationship.
im in the other relationship because he makes me love living life. even when i cannot wake up in the morning after an awful night with the husband.
i want to scream to the world about him. i want us to be legit. i want us to have a life. his wife and kids my kids, its too complicated but i look for a future with him. what should i do?"

Hi friend.
I've come across a spiritual theory recently and it appealed to me.

All living beings are governed by individual, eternal souls, in varied stages of evolution. The origin is the Universal Divine, and the destination is the Universal Divine as well. But to go through the entire process, to know how divine it really is, the soul needs to know what being 'undivine' is. You can't know light until you've experienced the darkness. Hence, each soul chooses the time, moment, and circumstances of its birth in physical form, based on how far evolved it had gone in the last lifetime. It chooses how much undivinity it can handle, and then overcomes it to move a step further, and so on.

I repeat: the soul chooses its dilemma/challenge/obstacle for a particular lifetime, in order to overcome it and move on.

Of course, you do not have to subscribe to this philosophy at all. It's merely something I read. But somehow, it empowered me and that's why I'm sharing it here. It makes you feel confident of being able to handle any obstacles in your life, because unknown to your conscious mind, your eternal soul has actually chosen it. And why would it choose something it couldn't handle?

So some souls would choose poverty, some ill-health, some relationship issues, some abuse, some fears and paranoia. And so on. Each of these can be overcome, and that is, in fact, the reason these souls have chosen them. And ultimately, in the long run, it all evens out. What seems so huge and unsurmountable to us in our lifetimes actually doesn't matter at the end. What matters is how far in the cycle of evolution we have gone.

Theories aside, I know you are waiting for me to get to the point! I will address your situation on Thursday. I am very busy these days at work and am hardly getting a few moments in between to write this. God bless, hang in there.

Feelings and doings

2007-09-04T16:21:00.000+05:30

Anonymous wrote: Have you ever been in a situation when you reach out to a friend to help him/her only to be rebuffed or misunderstood to such an extent that you are not sure you can trust your emotions again?

My dear friend,
You can get away with mistrusting your friends, mistrusting your enemies, mistrusting your family, mistrusting your neighbour and her dog. But never mistrust your own emotions.

"Above all, to thine own self be true." Ninety per cent of the world's problems would be solved if we all just stayed true to ourselves and our own emotions. You wanted to communicate. The other person didn't want your communication. There is no one to blame. So why do you hold yourself responsible?

Believe in yourself. Your heart said, "I care for this person, I want to reach out to them." You believed in your heart and acted accordingly. That's fine. Then the other person did not trust you, and acted true to HER (or his) feelings. But that's fine too.

The conflict is not whether your can trust your feelings again. That is default. Feelings are to be trusted. Feelings are YOU talking to yourself, telling you what you are thinking and doing wrong or right. Feelings are signals: RED I am thinking angry thoughts; BLUE I am thinking sad thoughts, BROWN I'm all jumbled up, et cetera. To change our feelings, we have to change our thoughts. Simple. There is no question of not trusting your feelings. It is like saying, "I do not trust the thought I just had." How can you not? It is there because you thought it! And since you thought it, you felt it.

So the real conflict is elsewhere. It is in the relationship; you wanting to reach out, him or her not wanting to be touched. There is a rejection.

There are two reasons this person has rebuffed you (or chosen to misunderstand you, which is the same thing): (1) He/she doesn't like you and so doesn't care if your feelings get hurt. (2) He/she doesn't trust you and wants to be away from you and has hence created friction so that you stay away.

It would be very easy for me to say, "To hell with them. You mind your own life and get on with it. Don't care about it." But being human, we always care. Rejection hurts. It nags us at the back of our heads, itching and whining away softly at first, and then the whine just grows louder and louder till one day our head explodes and we go and do something unexpected and drastic, maybe destructive.

Rejection needs a resolution. Resolution comes with acceptance, and then action. Accept that you have been rejected. But don't blame yourself for it. You are who you are, you did what you felt like doing. If the other person did not reciprocate your feelings, it is not your feelings to blame. It is the situation. Call it anything: your destiny, your karma, your circumstances, your mother-in-law. Whatever. Shit happens to the best of us. It is how we deal with the shit that defines us.

So deal with it; take appropriate action. If you need to talk it out with someone, do that. If you want to dwell within yourself, meditate, breathe, pray, indulge in that. There is plenty of material on dealing with rejection, read that. If you need reiki, pranic or any other healing, get that. If you want to simply let it go, gift yourself that.

The solution to any problem we face lies within us. You alone know what you want. As some wise person said, just do it.

More reflections

2007-08-27T22:48:00.000+05:30

Anon wrote: Hi Aekta, I let the outside world affect my state of mind to a considerable extent. Say for example if there are some people issues in the dept not directly related to me, i get upset and disturbed and it affects my productivity to a huge extent. It also greatly matters how people perceive me. I want everyone to like me, how is that possible? And how do I resolve this?

Hi. Both your 'sensitivity' to even unrelated things in your workplace, and wanting to be 'liked' by one and all stem from the same seed.

Let's work backwards. Why would your peace of mind get affected if there are people issues? Is it fear that something will work its way up to you? Ruin the perfect image you've made for yourself? Ruin the precious balance you have created for your environment? Someone will say something that will show you up in a bad light? Some old secret will come tumbling out of the closet, something you confided in a colleague, who may just spill the beans out of ego issues, even if the issues are unrelated?

I don't know if any of these above are correct, but if they are, it directly connects to your next fear: you want people to like you, to perceive you as wonderful, efficient, professional or whatever you think are desirable qualities.

We now understand that what 'others' think of you is so crucial to you. You seek validation of who you are in the way others see you. You see yourself with their eyes. You are unable to disconnect from the outside world, and see yourself with your own vision.

But I think you are a wonderful, efficient, professional person. And I can vouch for this even without knowing who you are! Your innate goodness, worthiness, Buddhahood is visible to me, millions of bytes away, a total stranger. So why can't you see it for yourself?

I completely understand you; I've been there! Sometimes we don't see ourselves at all, we are so busy looking at what others are doing, calculating what others are thinking, wondering what others are wondering. We see ghosts, shadows and reflections. We look into nooks and crannies and find darkness and moving shapes. When we reach out to touch them, they disappear, and there's nothing there.

Someone smiles, and you think "Oh they like me!" and you are happy. Someone frowns, even if they are just having a bad day, and you think "Oh no, they think I'm an idiot!" But their smile or frown is your own. They are just mirror reflections of you. It is not they who think you're an idiot; it is you who thinks so.

You need the big three heavy-duty pillars in your life: Self-love, self-worth and self-respect. Once you develop a solid base of these, you will very naturally and beautifully progress into seeing others for who they are, and not seeking yourself in their eyes every time you look at them.

Self-love: Gosh I love you so much, and it's not because of how wonderful, efficient and professional you are but because you are YOU and you are unique, special, divine. I love you because you are worthy of love, you are perfect and complete, and there's nothing more that can make you even an iota better. You are in a state of peace and beauty. I love you, just love you, because you exist, today, right now. (Say this to yourself NOW and repeat once every three hours).

Self-worth: Everything you do counts, you have your own unique mission for being alive at this point in time. This universe cannot function without you, well it can, but you know how much better a world you can make it with your unique talents and capabilities. You value this life tremendously; you realise you have only ONE of it, so you are going to put it to its best possible use. You rock, absolutely! (Say this to yourself now, and then repeat once every four hours).

Self-respect: You are deserving of happiness, of success, of joy and bliss and ecstasy and yes, brilliant sex too, simply because you are born and you are alive and you are kicking and a kickass being. We are not born to master suffering. We are merely born to be happy. And you are; you have it all; you're in charge of your present, your future, and have learnt from your past. From this point forward, you will look into your own eyes in the mirror with respect. With reverance for the energy, the vital, radiant energy that flows through you, and the sparks of pure white light that your aura gives off every time you acknowledge it. (Say this to yourself now, and repeat once when you get up in the morning and before going to bed at night).

Do this for two weeks. You will start noticing a difference in your own attitude and mindset. You will find such pleasure in being who you are, you'll want to share it with everyone. When you meet people, you will see how different you are from them, and will want to understand what makes them so different. You will begin seeing people for the first time as fellow humans, not merely mirrors of yourself. When there's a people problem in the department, you will want to understand what makes who tick, and what makes who upset. Your concentration will be on THEM, not yourself. Not on the unsettling of your own placid universe. Because that can no longer be shaken or stirred. That is somewhere else entirely, secure and at peace.

You will have the time, energy and mindspace to actually delve into someone else's life, without losing yourself. It's just brilliant, I can see it happening already! You really are awesome! What wonderful stories you are going to learn and tell me someday!

And you'll no longer want to please everyone, because pleasing yourself is going to be so much more difficult! Trust me. You will demand satisfaction, because you bloody well deserve it. You will command respect, because you are worthy of it. You will be finicky about each little lapse of behaviour you had, each little mistake at the workplace, the time you spoke too sternly to a loved one, because you KNOW you are, in essence, perfect, and this just ain't done from someone as perfect as you. And when you are that hard to please with your own self, others' opinions just seem like little specks on the horizon!

At the same time, you will be a lot more forgiving with yourself. You will no longer punish yourself, because after all, you love you, and why would you want to hurt someone you love?

My words cannot make things happen. It is you, yourself, who will do that. You will keep these thoughts in your subconscious, mull over them. Have faith. You must WANT to change, which you do, because you are here, writing to me. You have already made an affirmative action; the universe has no recourse but to respond to you. You are about to undergo an experience, a mind- and personality-altering experience. And when it happens, you will remember my words, and say, goddamn, the woman was right! I am free! I love myself, I am just too good to be true! I am fabulous, so beautiful, so fingerlickin' good, I could almost hug myself.

And do that. And here's another one from me too. You deserve it, you hot thing, you.

Mahabharat of the soul

2007-08-01T16:56:00.000+05:30

My friend is going through a battle at her ex-workplace. Her boss fired her and his wife messed up her salary accounts (it is a family-owned business). Her lawyer says she has little evidence and may not win a court case. This is what she feels: In many ways, this is a battle I am raging for the number of colleagues at work who were laid off all becoz their utility in the organisation had ceased. They call me almost daily and support me, but I know if this battle goes to court I will be alone. It's my lonesome battle. Now I wonder if my fervour was misplaced in some way.... What is God trying to teach me through this ordeal? I haven't slept a single night since it began on 11th july... I am a wreck, simply becoz I thought that truth and justice would prevail and now it seems as though, I was completely WRONG...

Do you believe in yourself? If yes, you know what you have to do. But just to remind you of what you already know, here are some notes:

Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal. Tell me about court cases, and I'll tell you what hell is. Yet, from all my experience with them, I have learnt that hell too has a purpose. The fire is what purifies the gold within us, it is the agnipareeksha for our growth.

If your goal is justice, have faith that the universe is on your side. And then do not look at the obstacles, the lack of evidence, the crooked lawyer. Become junooni, because that is the only way you can overcome the mountain ahead of you. Where there is a will, there is a way. You will find another lawyer, you will get help from ex-colleagues, something will happen to make the cheating duo sit up and be afraid. You just do your duty, your karma, and leave the results to God, that's what my dad always used to say. Take the first step, file for the case. Sometimes, that itself scares the other party that you mean what you say. If it doesn't, don't lose heart, keep at it.

In the last issue (July) of Marie Claire, we carried a story of a woman who fought against sexual harassment at her workplace. Can you imagine what she must have faced? The innuendoes that she asked for it? The lack of support? The sniggers each day that she walked in? Yet this spunky girl stood by her conviction. Finally, her manager was not only transferred but also demoted, and a senior person from the US office wrote her an apology for the trauma she had faced. So you see, if you stand by your conviction, how can the universe not respond? Your surroundings are after all a reflection of what is within you. If you are firm and steady, the mirror HAS to reflect that back. It is your own doubt in yourself that will eventually kill you. Throw it out. You know what you want, you know you are right, you know that justice will be served. Don't move an inch from this conviction. Let everyone else move to it instead.

We aren't ever given a cross we can't bear. Your soul has, in some other time and place, chosen this battle for itself. And why would it choose something it wasn't capable of overcoming? Of course you will win, it is inevitable, because you yourself have chosen it.

Or call it God, if you are uncomfortable taking the onus on to yourself! God wouldn't give you a burden you couldn't bear. He knows what you are capable of, and I know you're capable of a whole lot. So don't doubt your capacity to go through with this and come out a winner.

Challenges are good. They strengthen you. Say 'thank you' to the universe (and to yourself) for this battle. It is going to make you tougher, wiser, spiritually stronger, more compassionate towards others who suffer similarly, and will leave you with lessons and memories that will hold you in good stead for the rest of your life. How boring life would be without challenges!

Your karma is your mission. What you call your bad karma is actually your purpose in this existence. You have always been predisposed towards consumer rights and law; here is a wonderful opportunity to fully understand, implement and learn it in greater detail. Maybe you were meant to help others who go through a similar situation, that's why you chose this particular battle for yourself. You couldn't be a great rights' activist had you not been through those sufferings yourself. Your agnipareeksha is going to prepare you for your true purpose in life.

Of course, you already knew all this! You are now going to smile in rememberance. All the best in your mahabharat. I support you with all my heart and may you emerge victorious many times over! Even through the next few dark, horrid months of court battles, never lose the faith. In yourself, in your God, in the universe.

Demand justice, and ye shall receive. It is but natural.

Lovin' you

2007-07-30T17:56:00.000+05:30

A 26-year-old single woman has been going through a rough patch. The guy she loved is now marrying her friend, her health has been poor, and she has no motivation to live. The problem is I suddenly seem to have lost interest in most things in life. I used to dream dreams of the kind of husband I would settle down with, the family I would have, of seeing everyone around me happy and smiling. But the problem is I dont feel so upbeat or happy myself - from where will I make others happy? I seem to have lost my zest for life and find everything a chore. I still cry at myself now - I guess I am still wallowing in self-pity and the usual "why me?" I feel I have nothing to look forward to. I feel very hollow and empty. Like I have nothing left to give. I keep thinking will I ever be my old self again?

What is it that sets humans apart from the other animals in the animal kingdom? The ability to dream, to imagine, to see beyond what is only detected by the senses. Even faith is not unique to humankind. Animals have far more faith in 'the system' than perhaps most humans do. They operate from a sort of collective unconscious, but we have more than that; we have knowledge. We have memory in conjunction with the written word. We can learn from not only our own experiences but those of millions of other humans as well. We have gifts beyond basic acts of survival. We have art and culture and technology. We have communication with those we have never met. We have books, films, festivals. (Any more blessings, anyone?) We also have the ability to count our blessings.

And to think, we only get one chance out of 8.4 million lives to be born human! How lucky we are!

And what do we do with this precious, precious existence? What do we make of the only chance we get to dream, to imagine, to understand, to communicate, to create something beyond what we were born with?

We mope. Of what we don't have, of what we can't be, of wanting what someone else has. And we forget how perfect, how divine, how blessed we already are.

Dearest girl, I will address your individual issues.

Unrequited love: I love this little witty bit of shayari, 'Tu nahin, aur sahi, aur nahin, aur sahi.' It means, 'If not you, then someone else. If not someone else, then someone else.' Smile now!

Ok, jokes aside, you are bright, sensitive and intelligent enough to know that we do not own anyone. We cannot capture someone else with 'love' or 'being what they want us to be'. Love is to be shared, not snared. The receiving lies in the giving of it. Be complete within yourself, do not wait for the other to complete you. Love yourself as much as you want him to love you, and then love the other for what he is, as is, without any desire to change him. If the other realises how special you are and how wholesome your love is, good for you.

If he does not reciprocate, it's still good for you. Something better awaits.

Love, my janeman, is never born, nor does it die. It is always, always there, even if the object of your affection isn't in your vision yet. Love him anyway. He will materialise when both of you are ready for it. Love is when you are both equal, neither is more powerful than the other, both are equally needy and equally generous in giving. Anything else is a compromise.

If something hasn't worked out, thank your lucky stars it didn't. By being emotionally unprepared, you would have attracted the wrong character into your life. You were protected from future hurt, and have been given time to grow and develop yourself, and attract a similar strong soul into your orbit. Rest easy.

Dad is over protective, doesn't let you have friends: Once you are resolved and confident within yourself, other things will fall in place. He is only trying to protect you from further hurt. I do not see this as a problem at all. Thank him for his presence and protection in your life. Once you are balanced, stable and healthy, it will show in your demeanour and your actions. And he will realise you can look after yourself, and will let you go. Sit back and enjoy his parental warmth and safety nest. You will miss it sorely when it is gone.

Health issues: I truly believe that our health is a manifestation of our thoughts. The healthier the mind, the healthier the body. Harmony (and thus happiness) results when our thoughts are aligned with our words, and our words with our actions. So while you may say you love your life and wish to live, if you do not follow up this wish with your actions, your being will be thrown out of gear. So if you say you wish to live long, and yet continue to smoke or do drugs, your thoughts are contradicting your actions.

Will to live: Let's instead address the root cause of your debilitating health problems. You seem to have lost the desire to live. I go back to the beginning of my post. What will you tell your Maker (or yourself for that matter) when you are called to answer for what you did with this precious gift of a human life? Why should you have continued to have it, when so many others lose theirs at a young age, innocently, unwillingly, in attacks or disease, much before their time? What more did you make of it, or are going to make of it? What did you create, leave behind, how many lives did you touch?

Don't treat this life casually. It's holy and it's divine. As are you. Love yourself, respect the flame that glows within you. You may only get it after another 8.4 million lives.

Look in the mirror, and sing this song to yourself right NOW:

Lovin' you is easy, 'cause you're beautiful
Makin' love with you is all I wanna do
Lovin' you is more than just a dream come true
And everything that I do is out of lovin' you
La la la la la la la... do do do do do

No one else can make me feel
The colours that you bring
Stay with me while we grow old

And we will live each day in springtime
'Cause lovin' you has made my life so beautiful
And every day my life is filled with lovin' you

Lovin' you, I see your soul come shinin' through
And every time that we oooooh
I'm more in love with you.

Here's to lovin' you, kid.

The quote continued

2007-07-25T23:09:00.000+05:30

Following my previous post, the quote I loved by Sadhu Vaswani was: "To be enlightened, you must be nothing, nobody. And if you become nothing, who is there to be enlightened? This is true enlightenment. The wave merges with the sea: the wave becomes the sea!"

Doesn't it fill you with immense, beautiful, serene joy?

At another point in the magazine (Life Positive), the editor says, "The task of transformation requires us to give up what we are in order to be what we can be."

Both essentially say the same thing. We have to give up this huge sense of "I" – "I am a teacher, a lawyer, a woman, a man" – in order to become you, we, all, everything. That is enlightenment, Buddhahood. It's in giving up of the self that we BECOME the self.

It is fascinating. We are living Brahma's dream. We are a figment of a divine imagination. And – if we accept that we are individual cells of a universal divinity – then it is our own imagination as well. Thus we have dreamed ourselves up.

Haha. Isn't life suddenly looking different?

Isn't it suddenly so full of possibilities?

Learning day by day

2007-07-24T10:43:00.000+05:30

Vidya wrote: I was wondering if you could help me. I'm feeling low and just want someone to help me "clear the haze".

I also promised anonymous (previous post) that I'd write more about 'restlessness'. Vidya's mail has prodded me to get off my butt and just do it! I have read three wonderful things recently that I would like to share:

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne: I just can't get enough of recommending this book to people. What I found most useful and appealing was the way Byrne says we should go about getting what we want. It's a three-step process: Ask. Believe. Receive.

She likens it to sitting in a restaurant and placing an order. We look through the menu, choose what we want, tell the waiter about it, and sit back and relax, waiting for it to come with the absolute faith that it will. ASK: look through the menu of the universe and choose what you want to achieve, or what you want to be. BELIEVE: have the utter conviction that sooner or later, you are going to get it. RECEIVE: be as you would be had you already got what you want. If having the wealth of Bill Gates is what you want, believe that you already do, and be as happy and as content as you'd be if you had it.

As an example, as soon as I read the book last month, I decided to follow it. I wished for a great body, and then began behaving that I already AM gorgeous and healthy. Funny thing, it did wonders for my self-confidence and posture! People said I was looking thinner, though frankly, I knew it was merely my own way of holding myself that was being projected. Then, I asked myself, what would I be doing if I had my dream body? My answer was, I'd work out and maintain it and be strong and toned. Guess what, I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago. (It means a lot to me, because I'd been intimidated about it for years.) And I'm feeling great about it though it does take a lot of effort to get up that early in the morning before the kids wake! It's now only a matter of time that I WILL have the dream body, I am sure of it (as per step 2). Actually, going by step 3, I already do.

But I digress. Back to the three things I wanted to share. The second wonderful thing I read carried forward this above point. It was a lecture by Neale Donald Walsch, and he spoke of appreciating the abundance that you have instead of always chasing it. So instead of always judging abundance in terms of wealth, judge it in more holistic terms. What is that you have so much of? Love? Passion? Intelligence? A certain skill, a talent? Give it. Share it. According to the laws of the universe, we are all one. So what you give is what you get back. And you do not lack in anything at all, you are a perfect, complete being in any case, and you have the resources of the whole universe at your disposal. So give what you got generously, and you will receive in return. It may not come back in the form you expected, but accept it with gratitude. It's a gift from you to you!

The third thing I read is lying at home. It's a quote by Sadhu Vaswani in the latest issue of Life Positive. I don't want to quote it incorrectly, so I will get it tomorrow and share it then.

Mathemagic

2007-07-14T10:44:00.001+05:30

This is the second part of my answer to Jinal.

I have come to believe that women are the source of all energy for their families. They are the pillars, the central beings, from which all vital energy radiates. This is a strange thing to hear, because, in our societies, women are often neglected by their families and/or neglect themselves, and the relationship between the man and his wife is given second priority over that between the men of the family (in joint families) or that between the parents and the children.

But from all experiences I have had, seen or observed, if the woman is unhappy, invariably, her family is too. Not so much the man (or the father), because the children are far more biologically and intuitively connected to their mother. Their future relationships are defined by her handling of them in infancy; their attitudes are based on hers; their self-esteem is dependent on how the mother perceives herself. It is funny, no? Women have such a vital role in the making of a family, a community, a society, a nation, a world. The mother goddess does not realise her power and responsibility.

So, Jinal, your happiness is vital to the happiness of your family and, in the butterfly-wings effect, to that of the whole world.

Coming back to your questions: What is it that would make you happy? Are you happy where you are? Do you love your husband? If you do, you will seek ways to make this marriage work. These are two of them:
(1) Talk to him. The biggest problem in most relationships is lack of communication. In the Mars and Venus book, Dr John Gray writes that women often do not tell their man what they want, they expect him to understand anyway. On the other hand, men simply do not pick up hints. You have to give it to them in clear terms! Dr Gray says that women will go for YEARS not telling their husbands what is bothering them, they keep it bottled up inside, and then 10 years down the line, they suddenly up and leave, saying 'I am tired of this, I cannot take it any more.' And the poor guy doesn't know what hit him. As far as he was concerned, as long as you never TOLD him you were unhappy, he assumed all was okay.

We have to TELL our men what is bothering us. We cannot expect the poor sods, with their weak intuition and weaker body language skills, to understand what we mean when we keep quiet and or turn our faces away in a sulk. He probably thinks it's just PMS.

At the same time, don't nag, don't be accusatory or play a blame game. Be fair and reasonable and loving. The tone of your voice conveys 90 per cent of what the other person hears, your actual words make up only 10 per cent. Tell him in a reasonable voice, "I love you a lot and I love being with you which is why I chose to marry you. I just wish you'd spend more time with me and show me a little attention. I feel neglected and burdened and it is affecting all aspects of my life." If he is a good man, as you say he is, I am sure he will understand, be concerned, and take action to rectify the situation.

He may, of course, slide back into old habits in a few months, but you have to simply repeat it again! Don't grudge him his lack of sensitivity and pre-understanding of your problems. That's how men are! Lay it out in clear terms, said lovingly, each time. In time, it will become learned behaviour on his part, and greater tolerance on yours. The mother goddess has an unending supply of compassion and love.

(2) If you think you are unable to talk to him, have you thought of trying out a marriage counsellor, or simply getting counselling for yourself even if he does not agree? Even the first step of looking for numbers or names will send a message out to the universe that you are looking for a solution. And it will come.

If, on the other hand, you now feel he is not the person you wish to spend your life with, well then, you know what you have to do. Would you like me to show you the mirror here, as well? (I hope not.) I hope you will find your answer in yourself.

Feedback please!

2007-07-12T08:58:00.000+05:30

Hi friends,
As I'm just starting out, please do give me feedback on this blog. Do I need to get more specific, more general, more or less spiritual, more or less practical, have shorter or longer answers, do the posts help you at all or do I need to shut up already?!
I am truly grateful for your presence here.

Inside outside

2007-07-11T11:10:00.000+05:30

J wrote: Hi Aekta,
I have run out of things to talk with my friends. I am an intensely private person and dont have much to say outside my work life. The only person with whom I can share my life is my fiance and yes he is wonderful. Yet I often feel lonely and miss having good friends around. How do I resolve this?

Dear J,
First of all, there's nothing wrong with not having much to say and being an intensely private person. It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round and make the ride worthwhile. It is not a compulsion to be a social animal and push yourself into doing something that makes you uncomfortable.

On the other hand, you are bothered that being an intensely private person has made you lonely. It hasn't. You can be a private person and never speak to a soul for long periods of time, and yet never feel lonely. The two are not as related as you think.

(1) Loneliness is when you feel isolated, lacking companionship, and it saddens you. But there is not a single soul in the world who is isolated or lacks companionship. Technically, there are 6 billion other humans alive at the same time as us, so how can any one of us be isolated? Even if you are the last person on earth, you are not alone. You are a unit of a universal consciousness, which includes the sky, the stars, the rivers, the mountains, the sea, the clouds, the rain, the breeze, the soil, the leaves. Love yourself, because you are beautiful and divine, and enjoy your own company, because you are full of magical experiences, thoughts, feelings and stories.

So there's nothing really to be sad about. You are protected, secure, surrounded by beings who are made of the same material as you are (yes, we are all made up of the same elements as the stars), and all you have to do is acknowledge it, embrace it, and open your life to the life around you. Trust me, there's a lot you can learn from a stimulating intuitive conversation with a tree. Try it sometime.

(2) Having a social circle and close friends comes easily once you start feeling one with everyone around you. People will automatically enjoy your company if you enjoy your own company. Once you love yourself, like a mirror, the universe will love you too.

A practical hint: Take interest in people. Ask questions nicely, show compassion and kindness. You'll be amazed at the amount of stories each one of us contains within us, more than enough to keep a conversation going. Give the other person the feeling they are important to you, and that you respect all that they have to say. The topics will gush forth.

Another hint: Don't hold yourself too close to yourself. Earlier in life, I was an intensely private person too. I never talked about myself, either out of a silly inferiority complex, or fear at not being good enough or living up to some hypothetical 'mark'. Today I realise I have interesting true stories to tell and I just never run out of conversation. I am not selfish with the lessons I have learnt; I hand them around generously, even at the risk of sounding like a premature mataji! There's no fear of rejection, for I have accepted myself, and my own opinion matters most of all to me. And I do believe that others love sharing their lives with me too, and I genuinely enjoy hearing them.

A month ago, I met a woman for just an hour at an event and we ended up sharing our most intimate feelings. It is quite fascinating, because the minute I shared my life with her, her eyes grew wide open, and she said, 'I know exactly what you mean, I feel that way too. Let's meet up again.' We haven't met, but I will soon; there's something we still need to learn from each other.

Every person you meet will have something in common with you. It's another law of the universe, like attracts like. And you will never run out of things to share, because the universe is as limitless as you are.

Open yourself to all the stories the world around you has to offer, and be comfortable in being who you are. Not only will you never be lonely, but you'll never be alone either. But don't believe me. Try it for yourself.

Onion soup for the soul

2007-07-10T10:59:00.000+05:30

Anonymous wrote: I've always been very confident about myself, and know I have a certain calling. As I grew up and got involved in the daily grind of domesticity and balanced work, I'm not so sure about myself. I've become possessive about relationships, I've become attention seeking, and my sense of self has plummeted. I feel I am not good enough, that my efforts are not up to the mark, and I am never happy with what I have done. Does it have anything to do with the fact that I live in an environment where the demand to perform is high. It pains me to feel so distant from my goal, although in my heart of hearts I know I have it in me. Maybe I am not looking for a answer, but only a reassurance.

Dear woman (your second line gives you away: a man would have NEVER worried about balancing domesticity with work!),

Your question is like an onion, going round in circles, with a strong flavour that is making you cry, and you have to keep on and on peeling the layers. And when you do it for a while, you reach the end, and there's nothing there. Just a bunch of flakes in your hands. And your eyes are dry because they weren't real tears at all.

There's nothing there, woman. All your feelings are of your own making.

Let's tackle the flakes (symptoms) one at a time:

1) Not sure about myself, sense of self has plummeted: Why are you letting people or circumstances decide your own opinion about yourself? Why letting your relationships, job, life situation define WHO you are? Do you know who you are?

You are a perfect being, eternal, full of light, radiating brilliance. You have no past, no present, no future; you are all at once. You are a thought, a form of energy, unchanging, indestructible. Yes, you have taken on human form temporarily. But that doesn't change who you are.

Neither do your surroundings, people around you, events change you. They can't.

Lack of confidence comes from forgetting how perfect, how divine you really are. Conviction comes from knowing it and believing it. Being grateful for it, and revelling in it.

2) Possessive, attention-seeking: Whom are you possessive of? You do not own anyone. Not even yourself! This body, this face, these thoughts, this personality... it's on loan. It will be returned, with some wear and tear, once you move on. So how can you own anyone else?

Don't cling to elusive definitions of relationships. The tighter you hold on to sand, the faster it disappears between your fingers. Instead, go back up, read the last sentence; know who you are, and revel in it. Shine with the brilliance that is there within you; be the source (as Neale Donald Walsch puts it). Give what you wish to receive. You have an unending, unfathomable supply. Craving passion, love? Give it. I promise you, you will become a magnet, and will draw all the love and passion in the world towards you. But don't believe me. Try it for yourself.

3) My efforts are not up to the mark, competitive environment, demand to perform is high: Stop thinking of it that way. Think of it as 'challenging', 'inspiring', 'motivating'. Tell yourself that you are in a position where you can achieve all you want, you can grow, help others grow and make a difference to the world. Be grateful for it, it sound fabulous to me!

Work hard. Don't wait for that wonderful elusive opportunity to come along and fulfil you. Fulfil yourself NOW. Be creative, be happy, work with the same amount of passion as if this had this been your 'dream life situation'. Do things that you love doing, do them with love, commitment and sense of responsibility. Pursue your goal right here, right now. Make your circumstances your mission.

As long as YOU are satisfied that your efforts have exceeded the mark that YOU have set yourself, you are doing fine. Others' opinions no longer matter. Your harshest critic should be you, yourself.

4) I need reassurance: Who doesn't? I need reassurance too. Maya (illusion) constantly convinces us that we are mere humans after all, we have failings, we have imperfections. It needs constant reassurance (from mentors, books, meditations, prayer) to remind us we are above that. That we are greater than the sum of our genes and circumstances. That all we need to be happy, complete and fulfilled is to choose it.

Each moment contains within it the possibility for both heaven and hell. Which do you choose?

Sowing and reaping

2007-07-09T14:57:00.000+05:30

Anonymous wrote: When someone is being mean to you and talking nasty things about you behind your back, and trying to bring you down and ruin your reputation among your friends, how should you deal with it? Do you keep quiet and suffer it, or retaliate? Religion says, what you sow, so you reap. Isn’t the other person sowing a similar reaction from me, then?

Hello dear anonymous, thank you for writing in.

Step one: It's quite difficult but you must first sit back and objectively understand that whatever happens to you is your own responsibility. Whether knowingly or unknowingly, in the past or the present, you have ‘sowed’ the seeds for someone to be malicious towards you. It could be your actions, words or thoughts. The universe does not go by what you portray on the outside. It has an eerie way of peeking into the core of your heart. And it uncannily reflects those feelings, perceptions, thoughts, opinions, biases and superstitions back at you.

Even if you just had a slightest hint of a fear, ‘This guy seems nasty, I hope he doesn’t get mean with me,’ or a secret opinion, ‘This woman is a real bitch, she only knows how to ruin people’s lives,’ you have created a cause. You sowed seeds of negativity, even if you had smiled on the surface. No matter how well you behave towards her or think you are good to her, that little fear or dislike tucked away in your heart will keep inviting exactly the same behaviour towards you that you were afraid of in the first place. And you will be caught in a vicious circle of further hate towards her, and further nastiness towards yourself.

Step two: Nip it in the bud. Visualise a trashcan and throw in all those feelings of negativity you have had in the past. Start afresh. The first thing you should think when you meet someone for the first time is:
(a) This person is a reflection of my own life; what I am, so is she.
(b) We are born from the divine and contain divinity in ourselves. This person is as capable of being a Buddha as I am.
(c) This person has come into my life for a purpose, to teach me something, or maybe learn from me.
(d) We are all one. What I give her, I get back myself, since we are one and the same.

Once you start on this note, I guarantee, most relationships in your life will be joyful and meaningful. Even if there may be disagreements or differences somewhere, your feelings towards this person remain the same. (Incidentally, respect your differences. Both of you have your own unique talents and thoughts to offer, and will only enrich each other if you accept them gracefully.)

Regarding your last question, it is not for you to pass judgements over another’s actions and ‘give them back’ what they deserve. By doing so, you will sow further hate and bitterness; and invariably get back the same. What you can and must do is to take responsibility for your own actions and thoughts. Change yourself and see the world around you change as well.

I bless you with self-discovery, growth and healthy relationships.

Passing life by

2007-07-08T12:37:00.000+05:30

My beautiful friend Jyotsna said: I am getting more and more forgetful by the day... I open the door of the fridge and wonder why I did it, I make a call to my husband in his office and forget what I had to tell him. I have no major issues in life, but I have started getting the feeling that life is passing me by, and I am letting it pass me by.

Both are symptoms of a lack of focus. You don't know where you're going so you're not going anywhere. If you find your focus in life, all else will fall in place; the fridge, the phone calls, everything else. You need a mission.

Answer this question and I will take it further: Suppose I tell you that you have only two more weeks to live. How would you spend the last 15 days of your life?

Jyotsna replied (July 9): My immediate answer is that I would first get a cosmetic surgery done, get a makeover, travel the world... But when I think deeply, I would do none of that. First, I would visit people who are dear to me.... People which whom I have lost touch over the years.. I've learnt that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. After that I would donate all my personal wealth. Then in the end, make a trip to Japan to meet our sensei. I would spend the last days meditating, attending meetings, chanting...

So you've found your mission in life then. Love, charity, spirituality, community service. (Such a lofty mission, I must say! Would have probably been easier to get a makeover and travel the world!) Now, apply this mission to your life. 'Live each day like it's your last. Eventually you will be right.' Why waiting for the last 15 days of your life to fulfil it? As the ad would say, Just Do It.

The reason you haven't been able to make the love in your heart your mission is because it isn't considered a career enough; or is considered, at most, a noble pastime. There's no money in it, there are no promotion possibilities, there are no tangible perks. Only hard work, a few smiles and hugs and lovey-dovey feelings being exchanged. Who wants to make a profession or a mission out of something as silly as caring and sharing?

But the world lacks just these qualities, doesn't it? That's why you've been born, you and others like you. Who have nothing more precious to give than themselves. You have the highest mission of them all - not coming up with award-winning ad campaigns for bikes, not fighting legal battles, not marketing a film. Your mission is SAVING OUR SOULS. Do you realise how serious and important that is?

And you've been wasting your life wondering what you opened the fridge for?

Don't treat the greatest mission in the world like a trivial pastime. It's only as important as YOU think it is. Go for it the way your husband would go for his projects. The way I'd go for an article I sat down to edit, or the way a teacher would tackle a bundle of board exam answer sheets. With single-minded focus, determination and a time-frame. Think of how many people you would have loved and cared for in the time that you spent watching time pass you by? How many souls you would have healed and lives you would have touched?

Don't waste any more time. Start living NOW. Our world depends on you.

When love is war

2007-07-07T10:34:00.000+05:30

Dear Sudarshan,
Thank you so much for writing in. I will deal with your situation from two angles: the short-term practical one, and the long-term spiritual one. We start with the former.

1. In most Indian marriages, perhaps most marriages around the world, the frustrating reality is that we do not just marry one person, we marry the whole family. So the minute you proposed to Divya, you, in effect, proposed to her dad, her mom, her brother, her sister, her cousins, her grandparents and even the distant aunts and uncles who haven't seen Divya in years. Your life will become inseparable from theirs the minute you tie the knot.

If they are loud and crude, well, they will be your family. If they are sweet and gentle, they will still be your family. Point is, no matter how much you think Divya is different from them, she is part of them. And once you are married, you are part of them too. Look into your heart and tell me: Can you accept that?
If your love for her is strong and you are convinced that this is the woman you are going to spend your eternity with, you WILL accept that. If your love is weak, you will suddenly find plenty of excuses - including loud or crude inlaws and opposing parents - to run away.

Please remember: (a) Your parents will always be your parents even if they threaten to kick you out. (b) Time is a great healer; they will come around, you will change, Divya will change, and things will look different in 2010 than they look now, and further different in 2020. (c) You alone have to live with the outcome of your choice. If you choose to marry her against odds, it will still be up to you to make the marriage work and also manage to establish healthy relationships with both sets of parents. Could you do that? If god forbid, the relationship flounders for whatever reason later on (parents' interference, personal issues, professional issues, kids issues), there will plenty of people to say 'I told you so'. Could you live with that? And finally, if you choose to leave her at this point, it will be up to you to live with your decision, with or without regrets, for the rest of your life.

2. Looking at it spiritually, it seems to me that this situation has come up for two reasons (either one or both): (1) You didn't love her enough, and that's why you're seeing obstacles. You've taken your eyes off your goal. When we are focused on what we want, then no obstacle is big enough to shake off our determination to get to our destination. People have overcome far greater odds to achieve far greater goals. So what is a little opposition from parents in the face of divine love? (2) You have been living your life 'by default', unaware that it is YOU who makes the choices, not others. And this situation has come up precisely to make you aware that it is YOU making the choices. If today, you again go on 'by default', saying 'Oh I had no choice, I had to leave her,' I can assure you from personal experience, this situation will come up AGAIN and AGAIN until you start making your own choices. First it will wife versus parents, then it will be family versus job, then it will be health versus career, and so on. How long will you keep saying, 'Oh I have no choice?' Sooner or later, you will have to make it.

Advice: Understand who you are, what you want, and then align your words with your thoughts, your actions with your words. Be one big, aligned, harmonious being, and the universe around you will have no choice but to be that too.

Conclusion: If you truly love Divya and are convinced in your heart that she is the only woman you will ever be happy with, you will not care for the obstacles, but will rather use your intelligence and wisdom to surmount them. Plan it out, be patient, have faith that time heals... and be prepared to be a part of her 'show-off' family! But you know what? If you truly love her, and choose to be in happy matrimony with her, you will love her parents too. And your parents will love Divya. And your dad will love his dad. One big, happy, harmonious family. All because one man, Sudarshan Iyer, was sure of what he wanted, and made his actions work in alignment with his thoughts.

On the other hand, if you are now wondering what you have got yourself into, and are doubting if Divya really is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, then make that choice knowingly, saying, 'I alone choose to leave Divya. My parents' opposition has nothing to do with it. I am convinced now that she is not the woman for me and I can have a better future with somebody else.' Like I said, YOU alone have to live with the outcome. You cannot later say, 'I did not have a choice'. I am telling you: You do. And you are making it with every breath you take.

It seems difficult, and maybe it is. But maybe it's not. It depends on how you look at it. For someone else, it may be the easiest choice in the world. For you, it may be a life-or-death decision. If you change your thinking, you will be able to change your perspective.

I bless you with clear vision and conviction in your choices.

Hellow :-)

2007-07-05T23:39:00.000+05:30

First there was a thought, and then suddenly, the whole universe came into being.

First there was a thought (if we must do it shayari style), and then suddenly, the whole universe came into being.

If that isn't magic, what is?

Let's celebrate the magic called life together. Talk to me.