Jul 14, 2007


This is the second part of my answer to Jinal.

I have come to believe that women are the source of all energy for their families. They are the pillars, the central beings, from which all vital energy radiates. This is a strange thing to hear, because, in our societies, women are often neglected by their families and/or neglect themselves, and the relationship between the man and his wife is given second priority over that between the men of the family (in joint families) or that between the parents and the children.

But from all experiences I have had, seen or observed, if the woman is unhappy, invariably, her family is too. Not so much the man (or the father), because the children are far more biologically and intuitively connected to their mother. Their future relationships are defined by her handling of them in infancy; their attitudes are based on hers; their self-esteem is dependent on how the mother perceives herself. It is funny, no? Women have such a vital role in the making of a family, a community, a society, a nation, a world. The mother goddess does not realise her power and responsibility.

So, Jinal, your happiness is vital to the happiness of your family and, in the butterfly-wings effect, to that of the whole world.

Coming back to your questions: What is it that would make you happy? Are you happy where you are? Do you love your husband? If you do, you will seek ways to make this marriage work. These are two of them:
(1) Talk to him. The biggest problem in most relationships is lack of communication. In the Mars and Venus book, Dr John Gray writes that women often do not tell their man what they want, they expect him to understand anyway. On the other hand, men simply do not pick up hints. You have to give it to them in clear terms! Dr Gray says that women will go for YEARS not telling their husbands what is bothering them, they keep it bottled up inside, and then 10 years down the line, they suddenly up and leave, saying 'I am tired of this, I cannot take it any more.' And the poor guy doesn't know what hit him. As far as he was concerned, as long as you never TOLD him you were unhappy, he assumed all was okay.

We have to TELL our men what is bothering us. We cannot expect the poor sods, with their weak intuition and weaker body language skills, to understand what we mean when we keep quiet and or turn our faces away in a sulk. He probably thinks it's just PMS.

At the same time, don't nag, don't be accusatory or play a blame game. Be fair and reasonable and loving. The tone of your voice conveys 90 per cent of what the other person hears, your actual words make up only 10 per cent. Tell him in a reasonable voice, "I love you a lot and I love being with you which is why I chose to marry you. I just wish you'd spend more time with me and show me a little attention. I feel neglected and burdened and it is affecting all aspects of my life." If he is a good man, as you say he is, I am sure he will understand, be concerned, and take action to rectify the situation.

He may, of course, slide back into old habits in a few months, but you have to simply repeat it again! Don't grudge him his lack of sensitivity and pre-understanding of your problems. That's how men are! Lay it out in clear terms, said lovingly, each time. In time, it will become learned behaviour on his part, and greater tolerance on yours. The mother goddess has an unending supply of compassion and love.

(2) If you think you are unable to talk to him, have you thought of trying out a marriage counsellor, or simply getting counselling for yourself even if he does not agree? Even the first step of looking for numbers or names will send a message out to the universe that you are looking for a solution. And it will come.

If, on the other hand, you now feel he is not the person you wish to spend your life with, well then, you know what you have to do. Would you like me to show you the mirror here, as well? (I hope not.) I hope you will find your answer in yourself.

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