Anon wrote: Hi Aekta, I let the outside world affect my state of mind to a considerable extent. Say for example if there are some people issues in the dept not directly related to me, i get upset and disturbed and it affects my productivity to a huge extent. It also greatly matters how people perceive me. I want everyone to like me, how is that possible? And how do I resolve this?
Hi. Both your 'sensitivity' to even unrelated things in your workplace, and wanting to be 'liked' by one and all stem from the same seed.
Let's work backwards. Why would your peace of mind get affected if there are people issues? Is it fear that something will work its way up to you? Ruin the perfect image you've made for yourself? Ruin the precious balance you have created for your environment? Someone will say something that will show you up in a bad light? Some old secret will come tumbling out of the closet, something you confided in a colleague, who may just spill the beans out of ego issues, even if the issues are unrelated?
I don't know if any of these above are correct, but if they are, it directly connects to your next fear: you want people to like you, to perceive you as wonderful, efficient, professional or whatever you think are desirable qualities.
We now understand that what 'others' think of you is so crucial to you. You seek validation of who you are in the way others see you. You see yourself with their eyes. You are unable to disconnect from the outside world, and see yourself with your own vision.
But I think you are a wonderful, efficient, professional person. And I can vouch for this even without knowing who you are! Your innate goodness, worthiness, Buddhahood is visible to me, millions of bytes away, a total stranger. So why can't you see it for yourself?
I completely understand you; I've been there! Sometimes we don't see ourselves at all, we are so busy looking at what others are doing, calculating what others are thinking, wondering what others are wondering. We see ghosts, shadows and reflections. We look into nooks and crannies and find darkness and moving shapes. When we reach out to touch them, they disappear, and there's nothing there.
Someone smiles, and you think "Oh they like me!" and you are happy. Someone frowns, even if they are just having a bad day, and you think "Oh no, they think I'm an idiot!" But their smile or frown is your own. They are just mirror reflections of you. It is not they who think you're an idiot; it is you who thinks so.
You need the big three heavy-duty pillars in your life: Self-love, self-worth and self-respect. Once you develop a solid base of these, you will very naturally and beautifully progress into seeing others for who they are, and not seeking yourself in their eyes every time you look at them.
Self-love: Gosh I love you so much, and it's not because of how wonderful, efficient and professional you are but because you are YOU and you are unique, special, divine. I love you because you are worthy of love, you are perfect and complete, and there's nothing more that can make you even an iota better. You are in a state of peace and beauty. I love you, just love you, because you exist, today, right now. (Say this to yourself NOW and repeat once every three hours).
Self-worth: Everything you do counts, you have your own unique mission for being alive at this point in time. This universe cannot function without you, well it can, but you know how much better a world you can make it with your unique talents and capabilities. You value this life tremendously; you realise you have only ONE of it, so you are going to put it to its best possible use. You rock, absolutely! (Say this to yourself now, and then repeat once every four hours).
Self-respect: You are deserving of happiness, of success, of joy and bliss and ecstasy and yes, brilliant sex too, simply because you are born and you are alive and you are kicking and a kickass being. We are not born to master suffering. We are merely born to be happy. And you are; you have it all; you're in charge of your present, your future, and have learnt from your past. From this point forward, you will look into your own eyes in the mirror with respect. With reverance for the energy, the vital, radiant energy that flows through you, and the sparks of pure white light that your aura gives off every time you acknowledge it. (Say this to yourself now, and repeat once when you get up in the morning and before going to bed at night).
Do this for two weeks. You will start noticing a difference in your own attitude and mindset. You will find such pleasure in being who you are, you'll want to share it with everyone. When you meet people, you will see how different you are from them, and will want to understand what makes them so different. You will begin seeing people for the first time as fellow humans, not merely mirrors of yourself. When there's a people problem in the department, you will want to understand what makes who tick, and what makes who upset. Your concentration will be on THEM, not yourself. Not on the unsettling of your own placid universe. Because that can no longer be shaken or stirred. That is somewhere else entirely, secure and at peace.
You will have the time, energy and mindspace to actually delve into someone else's life, without losing yourself. It's just brilliant, I can see it happening already! You really are awesome! What wonderful stories you are going to learn and tell me someday!
And you'll no longer want to please everyone, because pleasing yourself is going to be so much more difficult! Trust me. You will demand satisfaction, because you bloody well deserve it. You will command respect, because you are worthy of it. You will be finicky about each little lapse of behaviour you had, each little mistake at the workplace, the time you spoke too sternly to a loved one, because you KNOW you are, in essence, perfect, and this just ain't done from someone as perfect as you. And when you are that hard to please with your own self, others' opinions just seem like little specks on the horizon!
At the same time, you will be a lot more forgiving with yourself. You will no longer punish yourself, because after all, you love you, and why would you want to hurt someone you love?
My words cannot make things happen. It is you, yourself, who will do that. You will keep these thoughts in your subconscious, mull over them. Have faith. You must WANT to change, which you do, because you are here, writing to me. You have already made an affirmative action; the universe has no recourse but to respond to you. You are about to undergo an experience, a mind- and personality-altering experience. And when it happens, you will remember my words, and say, goddamn, the woman was right! I am free! I love myself, I am just too good to be true! I am fabulous, so beautiful, so fingerlickin' good, I could almost hug myself.
And do that. And here's another one from me too. You deserve it, you hot thing, you.