Continued from last post...
Hi again. You must be wondering why I suddenly wanted to write about the meaning of Om. I'd been researching on it for a piece I plan to write in my magazine next month; and this one particular meaning resonated while I was reading your message to me.
The sound of Om is divided into 'a', 'u', 'm' and the silence between two Oms. The 'a' represents the conscious, waking mind. The 'u' represents the dream state, when the mind is unconscious and the imagination takes over. The 'm' is the deep sleep state, when the mind is at rest. The silence between the Oms is the default state of the divine, the universal Being, the infinite consciousness, God (call it what appeals to you).
We start from the silence, create sound and life, and emerge back into silence. This is the rhythm of the universe. This is how we breathe, notice? We are always in a state of Om (prayer, oneness with the divine) with every breath we take. We just don't realise it.
What is it that stays on, connecting the 'a', 'u' and 'm' states? Why is that we do not lose our memory once we wake? It's the real You that connects the dots, and goes on. Not that 'you' which has issues with your mom in the waking state, is uncomfortable talking about her with your partner. Not that 'you' which has uneasy dreams or visions of having missed the train (just a reference to Jab We Met, wonderful film!). Not that 'you' which tucks itself deep into the universal consciousness each night and wakes up refreshed and recharged. They are all 'you' too, yes, but they are not the 'Real You'. That You is eternal, unchanging, unhurtable by the movements and sounds and sights of your daily life.
That You will go on, forever. You are not your pain, you are not your thoughts, you are not your dreams. You are not your doubts and your insecurities. The real You exists beyond all those illusions. Eckhart Tolle calls them the 'pain-body'. As long as you identify with your pain, past hurts, you are feeding it. The minute you step back, watch it, refuse to identify with it, it loses its bite. It no longer has the capacity to hurt you.
Jaya Row explains it as the roasted seeds that Sudama brought to Krishna. As long as the seed is raw, it has the capacity to sprout and lead to further growth. The seed here is all our earthly desires, our pains, our pleasures. As long as we feed them, they sprout. The minute we roast them, they no longer have the capacity to sprout, but they are still edible and serve their purpose and satisfy our hunger.
Desires, pain, pleasures, dreams: they have a purpose. But roast them. Feed on them, don't let them feed on YOU.
Step back from your pain-body. From all your past hurts, your doubts and fears. They do not define you. You have given them definition and LET them define you. Your pain-body thinks it is You. Stop it right there.
There is nothing 'wrong' with your past experience. Once you stop looking at it as a 'problem area', it loses its bite, subsides, stays there benign and waiting for your next command. And it no longer matters whether your partner knows or doesn't.
Your relationship with him is your present; be careful the choices you make, the actions you take. Do what serves you. Does it help to be silent about the past? Does it help to open up? Does it help to lay all those ghosts to rest so that they longer have any power over you or your actions?
From personal experience, I can assure you that your partner will only have as many issues with this issue as YOU do. If you are okay with your past, he will be too. If you have made peace with it, he will too. If this is a non-issue for you, it will be for him too. Your external environment is a reflection of your own inner life condition, remember?
So perhaps you need to heal yourself of your hurts, make peace with your relationship with your mother, and then everything else will follow. Your partner can be with you on your journey, or he can join you at the end of the ride. It's up to you, what you think benefits you and this relationship the most. Heal what needs healing; enjoy what is there to enjoy. Don't confuse the two!
And always remember, the real You will go on. Much after all this is over. Have you told Yourself lately how much you love You?