I have found happiness, right? So I can take on some pain? Some new battle to fight, some spiritual challenge? How about it, how about a self-examination? Strength and courage mean nothing in times of peace, they need a war to prove themselves. Do I have it in me?
And so on, I went, convincing myself to return to the most horrible scenes of my life, to pick up where I'd left off and start afresh, prepare to dig new wounds all over again. There was confusion, yes, a battle between the head and heart, and the head was winning. The pain-body was relishing the prospect of becoming active again after so many years of lying subservient to my personal joy.
There came messages from the universe: "You alone are the author of the book that is your life." "If you know who you are, why the confusion in choices?" "You are only responsible for your own happiness. If you aren't happy, WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT in trying to make others happy?"
But I ignored all the lessons I'd learnt over the past few years, and willed myself to go against my grain.
Thankfully, one day, Life appeared to me in all Her glory. "I will not let you do this. THERE!" And she threw me off track in one single stroke. "This road is closed. Now what are you going to do about it?"
I wailed, I whimpered, I howled, I thrashed about in a tantrum, sniffed in a sulky sickness, and cursed myself for days. Finally, when I calmed down, Life whispered to me again tonight, loving, caressing, soothing in my ear: "If I wanted to experience a picture-perfect life, I would have looked elsewhere, not here. Through you, I want to experience YOU, YOUR way of living, YOUR choices, YOUR dreams, YOUR passions and YOUR destiny. Stop trying to be someone else. Just be yourself, and do what gives you joy. That's all I want from you, babe."
I nodded and wiped a tear away and snuggled up to Her. "I choose joy every single moment of the rest of my life. I promise." Hope I graduate from this class this time.