Nov 16, 2010

Blues bashing

There are mornings when you don’t want to draw the curtains open, when you don’t want to get out of bed, when all you want to do is curl up in your blanket and cry.

It could be due to your circumstances, all that’s around you. But I learnt a funny thing a few days ago: That it is actually due to what’s in your head, all that’s inside you.

I had a phase last year, when my personal life seemed bleak, my spiritual life was at an all-time low, and there was no future to look forward to. I slipped into something called SAD, seasonal affective disorder, or winter blues. I was put on sleeping pills and anti-depressants for the first time. They helped, and within a couple of months, I felt strong enough to let them go. I also got back into my Buddhist practice with gusto, which helped further. I thought I’d beaten it for good.

Then a few days ago, I had this phase again – not wanting to wake up, not willing to speak to anyone, a darkness inside my brain, a voice that keep repeating accusations and insults at me… I was immediately reminded of the misery the previous year. The timing is exactly the same – the onset of winter in Delhi.

But the odd thing is that this time, everything around me is different. My external circumstances are at striking odds to what they were last year – there’s been frustration in some aspects of my life and growth in others. My health issues are different, my mental makeup and outlook is different. So I was stumped when I realized the problem was the same.

This time, however, I was saved. There was a tiny little voice amidst the clamour of the darkness, a tiny whisper of affirmation: “Do Your Morning Yoga. Don’t Give It Up.” I dragged myself out of bed, lay out my mat, and just launched headlong into surya namaskar, no argument.

Fifteen minutes later, I felt better. And as the day progressed, I felt a whole lot better. I resolved never to let the blues get me again, to fight with every ounce of hope left in me, and to allow that little tiny voice to win over the blanket of negativity if it struck again.

The best part is, it hasn’t, since.

I don’t assume that it’s gone for good. It may return. But with Someone Up There’s help, I seem to have to beaten it for now. And that really counts.

My life may have changed, but there are obviously many karmic cycles still to be broken. It’s been a good lesson in knowing that, yes, I can.


Julia Dutta said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Julia Dutta said...

Hi Aekta,
The openness with which you write is a cure by itself.
I think that the darkness inside our minds need to air themselves sometimes and then they surface and go. But seriously exercise, a morning walk or a evening one does help to keep them blues away. Actually even the heavy long hours of work can cause blues.
But, you are so brave and strong, so sometimes, the lows come too. It must be the weather, though :)))

Aekta said...

Thanks for the kind comment Julia :)