When love is war

Dear Sudarshan,
Thank you so much for writing in. I will deal with your situation from two angles: the short-term practical one, and the long-term spiritual one. We start with the former.

1. In most Indian marriages, perhaps most marriages around the world, the frustrating reality is that we do not just marry one person, we marry the whole family. So the minute you proposed to Divya, you, in effect, proposed to her dad, her mom, her brother, her sister, her cousins, her grandparents and even the distant aunts and uncles who haven't seen Divya in years. Your life will become inseparable from theirs the minute you tie the knot.

If they are loud and crude, well, they will be your family. If they are sweet and gentle, they will still be your family. Point is, no matter how much you think Divya is different from them, she is part of them. And once you are married, you are part of them too. Look into your heart and tell me: Can you accept that?
If your love for her is strong and you are convinced that this is the woman you are going to spend your eternity with, you WILL accept that. If your love is weak, you will suddenly find plenty of excuses - including loud or crude inlaws and opposing parents - to run away.

Please remember: (a) Your parents will always be your parents even if they threaten to kick you out. (b) Time is a great healer; they will come around, you will change, Divya will change, and things will look different in 2010 than they look now, and further different in 2020. (c) You alone have to live with the outcome of your choice. If you choose to marry her against odds, it will still be up to you to make the marriage work and also manage to establish healthy relationships with both sets of parents. Could you do that? If god forbid, the relationship flounders for whatever reason later on (parents' interference, personal issues, professional issues, kids issues), there will plenty of people to say 'I told you so'. Could you live with that? And finally, if you choose to leave her at this point, it will be up to you to live with your decision, with or without regrets, for the rest of your life.

2. Looking at it spiritually, it seems to me that this situation has come up for two reasons (either one or both): (1) You didn't love her enough, and that's why you're seeing obstacles. You've taken your eyes off your goal. When we are focused on what we want, then no obstacle is big enough to shake off our determination to get to our destination. People have overcome far greater odds to achieve far greater goals. So what is a little opposition from parents in the face of divine love? (2) You have been living your life 'by default', unaware that it is YOU who makes the choices, not others. And this situation has come up precisely to make you aware that it is YOU making the choices. If today, you again go on 'by default', saying 'Oh I had no choice, I had to leave her,' I can assure you from personal experience, this situation will come up AGAIN and AGAIN until you start making your own choices. First it will wife versus parents, then it will be family versus job, then it will be health versus career, and so on. How long will you keep saying, 'Oh I have no choice?' Sooner or later, you will have to make it.

Advice: Understand who you are, what you want, and then align your words with your thoughts, your actions with your words. Be one big, aligned, harmonious being, and the universe around you will have no choice but to be that too.

Conclusion: If you truly love Divya and are convinced in your heart that she is the only woman you will ever be happy with, you will not care for the obstacles, but will rather use your intelligence and wisdom to surmount them. Plan it out, be patient, have faith that time heals... and be prepared to be a part of her 'show-off' family! But you know what? If you truly love her, and choose to be in happy matrimony with her, you will love her parents too. And your parents will love Divya. And your dad will love his dad. One big, happy, harmonious family. All because one man, Sudarshan Iyer, was sure of what he wanted, and made his actions work in alignment with his thoughts.

On the other hand, if you are now wondering what you have got yourself into, and are doubting if Divya really is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, then make that choice knowingly, saying, 'I alone choose to leave Divya. My parents' opposition has nothing to do with it. I am convinced now that she is not the woman for me and I can have a better future with somebody else.' Like I said, YOU alone have to live with the outcome. You cannot later say, 'I did not have a choice'. I am telling you: You do. And you are making it with every breath you take.

It seems difficult, and maybe it is. But maybe it's not. It depends on how you look at it. For someone else, it may be the easiest choice in the world. For you, it may be a life-or-death decision. If you change your thinking, you will be able to change your perspective.

I bless you with clear vision and conviction in your choices.