A 26-year-old single woman has been going through a rough patch. The guy she loved is now marrying her friend, her health has been poor, and she has no motivation to live. The problem is I suddenly seem to have lost interest in most things in life. I used to dream dreams of the kind of husband I would settle down with, the family I would have, of seeing everyone around me happy and smiling. But the problem is I dont feel so upbeat or happy myself - from where will I make others happy? I seem to have lost my zest for life and find everything a chore. I still cry at myself now - I guess I am still wallowing in self-pity and the usual "why me?" I feel I have nothing to look forward to. I feel very hollow and empty. Like I have nothing left to give. I keep thinking will I ever be my old self again?
What is it that sets humans apart from the other animals in the animal kingdom? The ability to dream, to imagine, to see beyond what is only detected by the senses. Even faith is not unique to humankind. Animals have far more faith in 'the system' than perhaps most humans do. They operate from a sort of collective unconscious, but we have more than that; we have knowledge. We have memory in conjunction with the written word. We can learn from not only our own experiences but those of millions of other humans as well. We have gifts beyond basic acts of survival. We have art and culture and technology. We have communication with those we have never met. We have books, films, festivals. (Any more blessings, anyone?) We also have the ability to count our blessings.
And to think, we only get one chance out of 8.4 million lives to be born human! How lucky we are!
And what do we do with this precious, precious existence? What do we make of the only chance we get to dream, to imagine, to understand, to communicate, to create something beyond what we were born with?
We mope. Of what we don't have, of what we can't be, of wanting what someone else has. And we forget how perfect, how divine, how blessed we already are.
Dearest girl, I will address your individual issues.
Unrequited love: I love this little witty bit of shayari, 'Tu nahin, aur sahi, aur nahin, aur sahi.' It means, 'If not you, then someone else. If not someone else, then someone else.' Smile now!
Ok, jokes aside, you are bright, sensitive and intelligent enough to know that we do not own anyone. We cannot capture someone else with 'love' or 'being what they want us to be'. Love is to be shared, not snared. The receiving lies in the giving of it. Be complete within yourself, do not wait for the other to complete you. Love yourself as much as you want him to love you, and then love the other for what he is, as is, without any desire to change him. If the other realises how special you are and how wholesome your love is, good for you.
If he does not reciprocate, it's still good for you. Something better awaits.
Love, my janeman, is never born, nor does it die. It is always, always there, even if the object of your affection isn't in your vision yet. Love him anyway. He will materialise when both of you are ready for it. Love is when you are both equal, neither is more powerful than the other, both are equally needy and equally generous in giving. Anything else is a compromise.
If something hasn't worked out, thank your lucky stars it didn't. By being emotionally unprepared, you would have attracted the wrong character into your life. You were protected from future hurt, and have been given time to grow and develop yourself, and attract a similar strong soul into your orbit. Rest easy.
Dad is over protective, doesn't let you have friends: Once you are resolved and confident within yourself, other things will fall in place. He is only trying to protect you from further hurt. I do not see this as a problem at all. Thank him for his presence and protection in your life. Once you are balanced, stable and healthy, it will show in your demeanour and your actions. And he will realise you can look after yourself, and will let you go. Sit back and enjoy his parental warmth and safety nest. You will miss it sorely when it is gone.
Health issues: I truly believe that our health is a manifestation of our thoughts. The healthier the mind, the healthier the body. Harmony (and thus happiness) results when our thoughts are aligned with our words, and our words with our actions. So while you may say you love your life and wish to live, if you do not follow up this wish with your actions, your being will be thrown out of gear. So if you say you wish to live long, and yet continue to smoke or do drugs, your thoughts are contradicting your actions.
Will to live: Let's instead address the root cause of your debilitating health problems. You seem to have lost the desire to live. I go back to the beginning of my post. What will you tell your Maker (or yourself for that matter) when you are called to answer for what you did with this precious gift of a human life? Why should you have continued to have it, when so many others lose theirs at a young age, innocently, unwillingly, in attacks or disease, much before their time? What more did you make of it, or are going to make of it? What did you create, leave behind, how many lives did you touch?
Don't treat this life casually. It's holy and it's divine. As are you. Love yourself, respect the flame that glows within you. You may only get it after another 8.4 million lives.
Look in the mirror, and sing this song to yourself right NOW:
Lovin' you is easy, 'cause you're beautiful
Makin' love with you is all I wanna do
Lovin' you is more than just a dream come true
And everything that I do is out of lovin' you
La la la la la la la... do do do do do
No one else can make me feel
The colours that you bring
Stay with me while we grow old
And we will live each day in springtime
'Cause lovin' you has made my life so beautiful
And every day my life is filled with lovin' you
Lovin' you, I see your soul come shinin' through
And every time that we oooooh
I'm more in love with you.
Here's to lovin' you, kid.
Jul 30, 2007
Jul 25, 2007
The quote continued
Following my previous post, the quote I loved by Sadhu Vaswani was: "To be enlightened, you must be nothing, nobody. And if you become nothing, who is there to be enlightened? This is true enlightenment. The wave merges with the sea: the wave becomes the sea!"
Doesn't it fill you with immense, beautiful, serene joy?
At another point in the magazine (Life Positive), the editor says, "The task of transformation requires us to give up what we are in order to be what we can be."
Both essentially say the same thing. We have to give up this huge sense of "I" – "I am a teacher, a lawyer, a woman, a man" – in order to become you, we, all, everything. That is enlightenment, Buddhahood. It's in giving up of the self that we BECOME the self.
It is fascinating. We are living Brahma's dream. We are a figment of a divine imagination. And – if we accept that we are individual cells of a universal divinity – then it is our own imagination as well. Thus we have dreamed ourselves up.
Haha. Isn't life suddenly looking different?
Isn't it suddenly so full of possibilities?
Doesn't it fill you with immense, beautiful, serene joy?
At another point in the magazine (Life Positive), the editor says, "The task of transformation requires us to give up what we are in order to be what we can be."
Both essentially say the same thing. We have to give up this huge sense of "I" – "I am a teacher, a lawyer, a woman, a man" – in order to become you, we, all, everything. That is enlightenment, Buddhahood. It's in giving up of the self that we BECOME the self.
It is fascinating. We are living Brahma's dream. We are a figment of a divine imagination. And – if we accept that we are individual cells of a universal divinity – then it is our own imagination as well. Thus we have dreamed ourselves up.
Haha. Isn't life suddenly looking different?
Isn't it suddenly so full of possibilities?
Jul 24, 2007
Learning day by day
Vidya wrote: I was wondering if you could help me. I'm feeling low and just want someone to help me "clear the haze".
I also promised anonymous (previous post) that I'd write more about 'restlessness'. Vidya's mail has prodded me to get off my butt and just do it! I have read three wonderful things recently that I would like to share:
The Secret by Rhonda Byrne: I just can't get enough of recommending this book to people. What I found most useful and appealing was the way Byrne says we should go about getting what we want. It's a three-step process: Ask. Believe. Receive.
She likens it to sitting in a restaurant and placing an order. We look through the menu, choose what we want, tell the waiter about it, and sit back and relax, waiting for it to come with the absolute faith that it will. ASK: look through the menu of the universe and choose what you want to achieve, or what you want to be. BELIEVE: have the utter conviction that sooner or later, you are going to get it. RECEIVE: be as you would be had you already got what you want. If having the wealth of Bill Gates is what you want, believe that you already do, and be as happy and as content as you'd be if you had it.
As an example, as soon as I read the book last month, I decided to follow it. I wished for a great body, and then began behaving that I already AM gorgeous and healthy. Funny thing, it did wonders for my self-confidence and posture! People said I was looking thinner, though frankly, I knew it was merely my own way of holding myself that was being projected. Then, I asked myself, what would I be doing if I had my dream body? My answer was, I'd work out and maintain it and be strong and toned. Guess what, I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago. (It means a lot to me, because I'd been intimidated about it for years.) And I'm feeling great about it though it does take a lot of effort to get up that early in the morning before the kids wake! It's now only a matter of time that I WILL have the dream body, I am sure of it (as per step 2). Actually, going by step 3, I already do.
But I digress. Back to the three things I wanted to share. The second wonderful thing I read carried forward this above point. It was a lecture by Neale Donald Walsch, and he spoke of appreciating the abundance that you have instead of always chasing it. So instead of always judging abundance in terms of wealth, judge it in more holistic terms. What is that you have so much of? Love? Passion? Intelligence? A certain skill, a talent? Give it. Share it. According to the laws of the universe, we are all one. So what you give is what you get back. And you do not lack in anything at all, you are a perfect, complete being in any case, and you have the resources of the whole universe at your disposal. So give what you got generously, and you will receive in return. It may not come back in the form you expected, but accept it with gratitude. It's a gift from you to you!
The third thing I read is lying at home. It's a quote by Sadhu Vaswani in the latest issue of Life Positive. I don't want to quote it incorrectly, so I will get it tomorrow and share it then.
I also promised anonymous (previous post) that I'd write more about 'restlessness'. Vidya's mail has prodded me to get off my butt and just do it! I have read three wonderful things recently that I would like to share:
The Secret by Rhonda Byrne: I just can't get enough of recommending this book to people. What I found most useful and appealing was the way Byrne says we should go about getting what we want. It's a three-step process: Ask. Believe. Receive.
She likens it to sitting in a restaurant and placing an order. We look through the menu, choose what we want, tell the waiter about it, and sit back and relax, waiting for it to come with the absolute faith that it will. ASK: look through the menu of the universe and choose what you want to achieve, or what you want to be. BELIEVE: have the utter conviction that sooner or later, you are going to get it. RECEIVE: be as you would be had you already got what you want. If having the wealth of Bill Gates is what you want, believe that you already do, and be as happy and as content as you'd be if you had it.
As an example, as soon as I read the book last month, I decided to follow it. I wished for a great body, and then began behaving that I already AM gorgeous and healthy. Funny thing, it did wonders for my self-confidence and posture! People said I was looking thinner, though frankly, I knew it was merely my own way of holding myself that was being projected. Then, I asked myself, what would I be doing if I had my dream body? My answer was, I'd work out and maintain it and be strong and toned. Guess what, I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago. (It means a lot to me, because I'd been intimidated about it for years.) And I'm feeling great about it though it does take a lot of effort to get up that early in the morning before the kids wake! It's now only a matter of time that I WILL have the dream body, I am sure of it (as per step 2). Actually, going by step 3, I already do.
But I digress. Back to the three things I wanted to share. The second wonderful thing I read carried forward this above point. It was a lecture by Neale Donald Walsch, and he spoke of appreciating the abundance that you have instead of always chasing it. So instead of always judging abundance in terms of wealth, judge it in more holistic terms. What is that you have so much of? Love? Passion? Intelligence? A certain skill, a talent? Give it. Share it. According to the laws of the universe, we are all one. So what you give is what you get back. And you do not lack in anything at all, you are a perfect, complete being in any case, and you have the resources of the whole universe at your disposal. So give what you got generously, and you will receive in return. It may not come back in the form you expected, but accept it with gratitude. It's a gift from you to you!
The third thing I read is lying at home. It's a quote by Sadhu Vaswani in the latest issue of Life Positive. I don't want to quote it incorrectly, so I will get it tomorrow and share it then.
Jul 14, 2007
Mathemagic
This is the second part of my answer to Jinal.
I have come to believe that women are the source of all energy for their families. They are the pillars, the central beings, from which all vital energy radiates. This is a strange thing to hear, because, in our societies, women are often neglected by their families and/or neglect themselves, and the relationship between the man and his wife is given second priority over that between the men of the family (in joint families) or that between the parents and the children.
But from all experiences I have had, seen or observed, if the woman is unhappy, invariably, her family is too. Not so much the man (or the father), because the children are far more biologically and intuitively connected to their mother. Their future relationships are defined by her handling of them in infancy; their attitudes are based on hers; their self-esteem is dependent on how the mother perceives herself. It is funny, no? Women have such a vital role in the making of a family, a community, a society, a nation, a world. The mother goddess does not realise her power and responsibility.
So, Jinal, your happiness is vital to the happiness of your family and, in the butterfly-wings effect, to that of the whole world.
Coming back to your questions: What is it that would make you happy? Are you happy where you are? Do you love your husband? If you do, you will seek ways to make this marriage work. These are two of them:
(1) Talk to him. The biggest problem in most relationships is lack of communication. In the Mars and Venus book, Dr John Gray writes that women often do not tell their man what they want, they expect him to understand anyway. On the other hand, men simply do not pick up hints. You have to give it to them in clear terms! Dr Gray says that women will go for YEARS not telling their husbands what is bothering them, they keep it bottled up inside, and then 10 years down the line, they suddenly up and leave, saying 'I am tired of this, I cannot take it any more.' And the poor guy doesn't know what hit him. As far as he was concerned, as long as you never TOLD him you were unhappy, he assumed all was okay.
We have to TELL our men what is bothering us. We cannot expect the poor sods, with their weak intuition and weaker body language skills, to understand what we mean when we keep quiet and or turn our faces away in a sulk. He probably thinks it's just PMS.
At the same time, don't nag, don't be accusatory or play a blame game. Be fair and reasonable and loving. The tone of your voice conveys 90 per cent of what the other person hears, your actual words make up only 10 per cent. Tell him in a reasonable voice, "I love you a lot and I love being with you which is why I chose to marry you. I just wish you'd spend more time with me and show me a little attention. I feel neglected and burdened and it is affecting all aspects of my life." If he is a good man, as you say he is, I am sure he will understand, be concerned, and take action to rectify the situation.
He may, of course, slide back into old habits in a few months, but you have to simply repeat it again! Don't grudge him his lack of sensitivity and pre-understanding of your problems. That's how men are! Lay it out in clear terms, said lovingly, each time. In time, it will become learned behaviour on his part, and greater tolerance on yours. The mother goddess has an unending supply of compassion and love.
(2) If you think you are unable to talk to him, have you thought of trying out a marriage counsellor, or simply getting counselling for yourself even if he does not agree? Even the first step of looking for numbers or names will send a message out to the universe that you are looking for a solution. And it will come.
If, on the other hand, you now feel he is not the person you wish to spend your life with, well then, you know what you have to do. Would you like me to show you the mirror here, as well? (I hope not.) I hope you will find your answer in yourself.
I have come to believe that women are the source of all energy for their families. They are the pillars, the central beings, from which all vital energy radiates. This is a strange thing to hear, because, in our societies, women are often neglected by their families and/or neglect themselves, and the relationship between the man and his wife is given second priority over that between the men of the family (in joint families) or that between the parents and the children.
But from all experiences I have had, seen or observed, if the woman is unhappy, invariably, her family is too. Not so much the man (or the father), because the children are far more biologically and intuitively connected to their mother. Their future relationships are defined by her handling of them in infancy; their attitudes are based on hers; their self-esteem is dependent on how the mother perceives herself. It is funny, no? Women have such a vital role in the making of a family, a community, a society, a nation, a world. The mother goddess does not realise her power and responsibility.
So, Jinal, your happiness is vital to the happiness of your family and, in the butterfly-wings effect, to that of the whole world.
Coming back to your questions: What is it that would make you happy? Are you happy where you are? Do you love your husband? If you do, you will seek ways to make this marriage work. These are two of them:
(1) Talk to him. The biggest problem in most relationships is lack of communication. In the Mars and Venus book, Dr John Gray writes that women often do not tell their man what they want, they expect him to understand anyway. On the other hand, men simply do not pick up hints. You have to give it to them in clear terms! Dr Gray says that women will go for YEARS not telling their husbands what is bothering them, they keep it bottled up inside, and then 10 years down the line, they suddenly up and leave, saying 'I am tired of this, I cannot take it any more.' And the poor guy doesn't know what hit him. As far as he was concerned, as long as you never TOLD him you were unhappy, he assumed all was okay.
We have to TELL our men what is bothering us. We cannot expect the poor sods, with their weak intuition and weaker body language skills, to understand what we mean when we keep quiet and or turn our faces away in a sulk. He probably thinks it's just PMS.
At the same time, don't nag, don't be accusatory or play a blame game. Be fair and reasonable and loving. The tone of your voice conveys 90 per cent of what the other person hears, your actual words make up only 10 per cent. Tell him in a reasonable voice, "I love you a lot and I love being with you which is why I chose to marry you. I just wish you'd spend more time with me and show me a little attention. I feel neglected and burdened and it is affecting all aspects of my life." If he is a good man, as you say he is, I am sure he will understand, be concerned, and take action to rectify the situation.
He may, of course, slide back into old habits in a few months, but you have to simply repeat it again! Don't grudge him his lack of sensitivity and pre-understanding of your problems. That's how men are! Lay it out in clear terms, said lovingly, each time. In time, it will become learned behaviour on his part, and greater tolerance on yours. The mother goddess has an unending supply of compassion and love.
(2) If you think you are unable to talk to him, have you thought of trying out a marriage counsellor, or simply getting counselling for yourself even if he does not agree? Even the first step of looking for numbers or names will send a message out to the universe that you are looking for a solution. And it will come.
If, on the other hand, you now feel he is not the person you wish to spend your life with, well then, you know what you have to do. Would you like me to show you the mirror here, as well? (I hope not.) I hope you will find your answer in yourself.
Jul 12, 2007
Feedback please!
Hi friends,
As I'm just starting out, please do give me feedback on this blog. Do I need to get more specific, more general, more or less spiritual, more or less practical, have shorter or longer answers, do the posts help you at all or do I need to shut up already?!
I am truly grateful for your presence here.
As I'm just starting out, please do give me feedback on this blog. Do I need to get more specific, more general, more or less spiritual, more or less practical, have shorter or longer answers, do the posts help you at all or do I need to shut up already?!
I am truly grateful for your presence here.
Jul 11, 2007
Inside outside
J wrote: Hi Aekta,
I have run out of things to talk with my friends. I am an intensely private person and dont have much to say outside my work life. The only person with whom I can share my life is my fiance and yes he is wonderful. Yet I often feel lonely and miss having good friends around. How do I resolve this?
Dear J,
First of all, there's nothing wrong with not having much to say and being an intensely private person. It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round and make the ride worthwhile. It is not a compulsion to be a social animal and push yourself into doing something that makes you uncomfortable.
On the other hand, you are bothered that being an intensely private person has made you lonely. It hasn't. You can be a private person and never speak to a soul for long periods of time, and yet never feel lonely. The two are not as related as you think.
(1) Loneliness is when you feel isolated, lacking companionship, and it saddens you. But there is not a single soul in the world who is isolated or lacks companionship. Technically, there are 6 billion other humans alive at the same time as us, so how can any one of us be isolated? Even if you are the last person on earth, you are not alone. You are a unit of a universal consciousness, which includes the sky, the stars, the rivers, the mountains, the sea, the clouds, the rain, the breeze, the soil, the leaves. Love yourself, because you are beautiful and divine, and enjoy your own company, because you are full of magical experiences, thoughts, feelings and stories.
So there's nothing really to be sad about. You are protected, secure, surrounded by beings who are made of the same material as you are (yes, we are all made up of the same elements as the stars), and all you have to do is acknowledge it, embrace it, and open your life to the life around you. Trust me, there's a lot you can learn from a stimulating intuitive conversation with a tree. Try it sometime.
(2) Having a social circle and close friends comes easily once you start feeling one with everyone around you. People will automatically enjoy your company if you enjoy your own company. Once you love yourself, like a mirror, the universe will love you too.
A practical hint: Take interest in people. Ask questions nicely, show compassion and kindness. You'll be amazed at the amount of stories each one of us contains within us, more than enough to keep a conversation going. Give the other person the feeling they are important to you, and that you respect all that they have to say. The topics will gush forth.
Another hint: Don't hold yourself too close to yourself. Earlier in life, I was an intensely private person too. I never talked about myself, either out of a silly inferiority complex, or fear at not being good enough or living up to some hypothetical 'mark'. Today I realise I have interesting true stories to tell and I just never run out of conversation. I am not selfish with the lessons I have learnt; I hand them around generously, even at the risk of sounding like a premature mataji! There's no fear of rejection, for I have accepted myself, and my own opinion matters most of all to me. And I do believe that others love sharing their lives with me too, and I genuinely enjoy hearing them.
A month ago, I met a woman for just an hour at an event and we ended up sharing our most intimate feelings. It is quite fascinating, because the minute I shared my life with her, her eyes grew wide open, and she said, 'I know exactly what you mean, I feel that way too. Let's meet up again.' We haven't met, but I will soon; there's something we still need to learn from each other.
Every person you meet will have something in common with you. It's another law of the universe, like attracts like. And you will never run out of things to share, because the universe is as limitless as you are.
Open yourself to all the stories the world around you has to offer, and be comfortable in being who you are. Not only will you never be lonely, but you'll never be alone either. But don't believe me. Try it for yourself.
I have run out of things to talk with my friends. I am an intensely private person and dont have much to say outside my work life. The only person with whom I can share my life is my fiance and yes he is wonderful. Yet I often feel lonely and miss having good friends around. How do I resolve this?
Dear J,
First of all, there's nothing wrong with not having much to say and being an intensely private person. It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round and make the ride worthwhile. It is not a compulsion to be a social animal and push yourself into doing something that makes you uncomfortable.
On the other hand, you are bothered that being an intensely private person has made you lonely. It hasn't. You can be a private person and never speak to a soul for long periods of time, and yet never feel lonely. The two are not as related as you think.
(1) Loneliness is when you feel isolated, lacking companionship, and it saddens you. But there is not a single soul in the world who is isolated or lacks companionship. Technically, there are 6 billion other humans alive at the same time as us, so how can any one of us be isolated? Even if you are the last person on earth, you are not alone. You are a unit of a universal consciousness, which includes the sky, the stars, the rivers, the mountains, the sea, the clouds, the rain, the breeze, the soil, the leaves. Love yourself, because you are beautiful and divine, and enjoy your own company, because you are full of magical experiences, thoughts, feelings and stories.
So there's nothing really to be sad about. You are protected, secure, surrounded by beings who are made of the same material as you are (yes, we are all made up of the same elements as the stars), and all you have to do is acknowledge it, embrace it, and open your life to the life around you. Trust me, there's a lot you can learn from a stimulating intuitive conversation with a tree. Try it sometime.
(2) Having a social circle and close friends comes easily once you start feeling one with everyone around you. People will automatically enjoy your company if you enjoy your own company. Once you love yourself, like a mirror, the universe will love you too.
A practical hint: Take interest in people. Ask questions nicely, show compassion and kindness. You'll be amazed at the amount of stories each one of us contains within us, more than enough to keep a conversation going. Give the other person the feeling they are important to you, and that you respect all that they have to say. The topics will gush forth.
Another hint: Don't hold yourself too close to yourself. Earlier in life, I was an intensely private person too. I never talked about myself, either out of a silly inferiority complex, or fear at not being good enough or living up to some hypothetical 'mark'. Today I realise I have interesting true stories to tell and I just never run out of conversation. I am not selfish with the lessons I have learnt; I hand them around generously, even at the risk of sounding like a premature mataji! There's no fear of rejection, for I have accepted myself, and my own opinion matters most of all to me. And I do believe that others love sharing their lives with me too, and I genuinely enjoy hearing them.
A month ago, I met a woman for just an hour at an event and we ended up sharing our most intimate feelings. It is quite fascinating, because the minute I shared my life with her, her eyes grew wide open, and she said, 'I know exactly what you mean, I feel that way too. Let's meet up again.' We haven't met, but I will soon; there's something we still need to learn from each other.
Every person you meet will have something in common with you. It's another law of the universe, like attracts like. And you will never run out of things to share, because the universe is as limitless as you are.
Open yourself to all the stories the world around you has to offer, and be comfortable in being who you are. Not only will you never be lonely, but you'll never be alone either. But don't believe me. Try it for yourself.
Jul 10, 2007
Onion soup for the soul
Anonymous wrote: I've always been very confident about myself, and know I have a certain calling. As I grew up and got involved in the daily grind of domesticity and balanced work, I'm not so sure about myself. I've become possessive about relationships, I've become attention seeking, and my sense of self has plummeted. I feel I am not good enough, that my efforts are not up to the mark, and I am never happy with what I have done. Does it have anything to do with the fact that I live in an environment where the demand to perform is high. It pains me to feel so distant from my goal, although in my heart of hearts I know I have it in me. Maybe I am not looking for a answer, but only a reassurance.
Dear woman (your second line gives you away: a man would have NEVER worried about balancing domesticity with work!),
Your question is like an onion, going round in circles, with a strong flavour that is making you cry, and you have to keep on and on peeling the layers. And when you do it for a while, you reach the end, and there's nothing there. Just a bunch of flakes in your hands. And your eyes are dry because they weren't real tears at all.
There's nothing there, woman. All your feelings are of your own making.
Let's tackle the flakes (symptoms) one at a time:
1) Not sure about myself, sense of self has plummeted: Why are you letting people or circumstances decide your own opinion about yourself? Why letting your relationships, job, life situation define WHO you are? Do you know who you are?
You are a perfect being, eternal, full of light, radiating brilliance. You have no past, no present, no future; you are all at once. You are a thought, a form of energy, unchanging, indestructible. Yes, you have taken on human form temporarily. But that doesn't change who you are.
Neither do your surroundings, people around you, events change you. They can't.
Lack of confidence comes from forgetting how perfect, how divine you really are. Conviction comes from knowing it and believing it. Being grateful for it, and revelling in it.
2) Possessive, attention-seeking: Whom are you possessive of? You do not own anyone. Not even yourself! This body, this face, these thoughts, this personality... it's on loan. It will be returned, with some wear and tear, once you move on. So how can you own anyone else?
Don't cling to elusive definitions of relationships. The tighter you hold on to sand, the faster it disappears between your fingers. Instead, go back up, read the last sentence; know who you are, and revel in it. Shine with the brilliance that is there within you; be the source (as Neale Donald Walsch puts it). Give what you wish to receive. You have an unending, unfathomable supply. Craving passion, love? Give it. I promise you, you will become a magnet, and will draw all the love and passion in the world towards you. But don't believe me. Try it for yourself.
3) My efforts are not up to the mark, competitive environment, demand to perform is high: Stop thinking of it that way. Think of it as 'challenging', 'inspiring', 'motivating'. Tell yourself that you are in a position where you can achieve all you want, you can grow, help others grow and make a difference to the world. Be grateful for it, it sound fabulous to me!
Work hard. Don't wait for that wonderful elusive opportunity to come along and fulfil you. Fulfil yourself NOW. Be creative, be happy, work with the same amount of passion as if this had this been your 'dream life situation'. Do things that you love doing, do them with love, commitment and sense of responsibility. Pursue your goal right here, right now. Make your circumstances your mission.
As long as YOU are satisfied that your efforts have exceeded the mark that YOU have set yourself, you are doing fine. Others' opinions no longer matter. Your harshest critic should be you, yourself.
4) I need reassurance: Who doesn't? I need reassurance too. Maya (illusion) constantly convinces us that we are mere humans after all, we have failings, we have imperfections. It needs constant reassurance (from mentors, books, meditations, prayer) to remind us we are above that. That we are greater than the sum of our genes and circumstances. That all we need to be happy, complete and fulfilled is to choose it.
Each moment contains within it the possibility for both heaven and hell. Which do you choose?
Dear woman (your second line gives you away: a man would have NEVER worried about balancing domesticity with work!),
Your question is like an onion, going round in circles, with a strong flavour that is making you cry, and you have to keep on and on peeling the layers. And when you do it for a while, you reach the end, and there's nothing there. Just a bunch of flakes in your hands. And your eyes are dry because they weren't real tears at all.
There's nothing there, woman. All your feelings are of your own making.
Let's tackle the flakes (symptoms) one at a time:
1) Not sure about myself, sense of self has plummeted: Why are you letting people or circumstances decide your own opinion about yourself? Why letting your relationships, job, life situation define WHO you are? Do you know who you are?
You are a perfect being, eternal, full of light, radiating brilliance. You have no past, no present, no future; you are all at once. You are a thought, a form of energy, unchanging, indestructible. Yes, you have taken on human form temporarily. But that doesn't change who you are.
Neither do your surroundings, people around you, events change you. They can't.
Lack of confidence comes from forgetting how perfect, how divine you really are. Conviction comes from knowing it and believing it. Being grateful for it, and revelling in it.
2) Possessive, attention-seeking: Whom are you possessive of? You do not own anyone. Not even yourself! This body, this face, these thoughts, this personality... it's on loan. It will be returned, with some wear and tear, once you move on. So how can you own anyone else?
Don't cling to elusive definitions of relationships. The tighter you hold on to sand, the faster it disappears between your fingers. Instead, go back up, read the last sentence; know who you are, and revel in it. Shine with the brilliance that is there within you; be the source (as Neale Donald Walsch puts it). Give what you wish to receive. You have an unending, unfathomable supply. Craving passion, love? Give it. I promise you, you will become a magnet, and will draw all the love and passion in the world towards you. But don't believe me. Try it for yourself.
3) My efforts are not up to the mark, competitive environment, demand to perform is high: Stop thinking of it that way. Think of it as 'challenging', 'inspiring', 'motivating'. Tell yourself that you are in a position where you can achieve all you want, you can grow, help others grow and make a difference to the world. Be grateful for it, it sound fabulous to me!
Work hard. Don't wait for that wonderful elusive opportunity to come along and fulfil you. Fulfil yourself NOW. Be creative, be happy, work with the same amount of passion as if this had this been your 'dream life situation'. Do things that you love doing, do them with love, commitment and sense of responsibility. Pursue your goal right here, right now. Make your circumstances your mission.
As long as YOU are satisfied that your efforts have exceeded the mark that YOU have set yourself, you are doing fine. Others' opinions no longer matter. Your harshest critic should be you, yourself.
4) I need reassurance: Who doesn't? I need reassurance too. Maya (illusion) constantly convinces us that we are mere humans after all, we have failings, we have imperfections. It needs constant reassurance (from mentors, books, meditations, prayer) to remind us we are above that. That we are greater than the sum of our genes and circumstances. That all we need to be happy, complete and fulfilled is to choose it.
Each moment contains within it the possibility for both heaven and hell. Which do you choose?
Jul 9, 2007
Sowing and reaping
Anonymous wrote: When someone is being mean to you and talking nasty things about you behind your back, and trying to bring you down and ruin your reputation among your friends, how should you deal with it? Do you keep quiet and suffer it, or retaliate? Religion says, what you sow, so you reap. Isn’t the other person sowing a similar reaction from me, then?
Hello dear anonymous, thank you for writing in.
Step one: It's quite difficult but you must first sit back and objectively understand that whatever happens to you is your own responsibility. Whether knowingly or unknowingly, in the past or the present, you have ‘sowed’ the seeds for someone to be malicious towards you. It could be your actions, words or thoughts. The universe does not go by what you portray on the outside. It has an eerie way of peeking into the core of your heart. And it uncannily reflects those feelings, perceptions, thoughts, opinions, biases and superstitions back at you.
Even if you just had a slightest hint of a fear, ‘This guy seems nasty, I hope he doesn’t get mean with me,’ or a secret opinion, ‘This woman is a real bitch, she only knows how to ruin people’s lives,’ you have created a cause. You sowed seeds of negativity, even if you had smiled on the surface. No matter how well you behave towards her or think you are good to her, that little fear or dislike tucked away in your heart will keep inviting exactly the same behaviour towards you that you were afraid of in the first place. And you will be caught in a vicious circle of further hate towards her, and further nastiness towards yourself.
Step two: Nip it in the bud. Visualise a trashcan and throw in all those feelings of negativity you have had in the past. Start afresh. The first thing you should think when you meet someone for the first time is:
(a) This person is a reflection of my own life; what I am, so is she.
(b) We are born from the divine and contain divinity in ourselves. This person is as capable of being a Buddha as I am.
(c) This person has come into my life for a purpose, to teach me something, or maybe learn from me.
(d) We are all one. What I give her, I get back myself, since we are one and the same.
Once you start on this note, I guarantee, most relationships in your life will be joyful and meaningful. Even if there may be disagreements or differences somewhere, your feelings towards this person remain the same. (Incidentally, respect your differences. Both of you have your own unique talents and thoughts to offer, and will only enrich each other if you accept them gracefully.)
Regarding your last question, it is not for you to pass judgements over another’s actions and ‘give them back’ what they deserve. By doing so, you will sow further hate and bitterness; and invariably get back the same. What you can and must do is to take responsibility for your own actions and thoughts. Change yourself and see the world around you change as well.
I bless you with self-discovery, growth and healthy relationships.
Hello dear anonymous, thank you for writing in.
Step one: It's quite difficult but you must first sit back and objectively understand that whatever happens to you is your own responsibility. Whether knowingly or unknowingly, in the past or the present, you have ‘sowed’ the seeds for someone to be malicious towards you. It could be your actions, words or thoughts. The universe does not go by what you portray on the outside. It has an eerie way of peeking into the core of your heart. And it uncannily reflects those feelings, perceptions, thoughts, opinions, biases and superstitions back at you.
Even if you just had a slightest hint of a fear, ‘This guy seems nasty, I hope he doesn’t get mean with me,’ or a secret opinion, ‘This woman is a real bitch, she only knows how to ruin people’s lives,’ you have created a cause. You sowed seeds of negativity, even if you had smiled on the surface. No matter how well you behave towards her or think you are good to her, that little fear or dislike tucked away in your heart will keep inviting exactly the same behaviour towards you that you were afraid of in the first place. And you will be caught in a vicious circle of further hate towards her, and further nastiness towards yourself.
Step two: Nip it in the bud. Visualise a trashcan and throw in all those feelings of negativity you have had in the past. Start afresh. The first thing you should think when you meet someone for the first time is:
(a) This person is a reflection of my own life; what I am, so is she.
(b) We are born from the divine and contain divinity in ourselves. This person is as capable of being a Buddha as I am.
(c) This person has come into my life for a purpose, to teach me something, or maybe learn from me.
(d) We are all one. What I give her, I get back myself, since we are one and the same.
Once you start on this note, I guarantee, most relationships in your life will be joyful and meaningful. Even if there may be disagreements or differences somewhere, your feelings towards this person remain the same. (Incidentally, respect your differences. Both of you have your own unique talents and thoughts to offer, and will only enrich each other if you accept them gracefully.)
Regarding your last question, it is not for you to pass judgements over another’s actions and ‘give them back’ what they deserve. By doing so, you will sow further hate and bitterness; and invariably get back the same. What you can and must do is to take responsibility for your own actions and thoughts. Change yourself and see the world around you change as well.
I bless you with self-discovery, growth and healthy relationships.
Jul 8, 2007
Passing life by
My beautiful friend Jyotsna said: I am getting more and more forgetful by the day... I open the door of the fridge and wonder why I did it, I make a call to my husband in his office and forget what I had to tell him. I have no major issues in life, but I have started getting the feeling that life is passing me by, and I am letting it pass me by.
Both are symptoms of a lack of focus. You don't know where you're going so you're not going anywhere. If you find your focus in life, all else will fall in place; the fridge, the phone calls, everything else. You need a mission.
Answer this question and I will take it further: Suppose I tell you that you have only two more weeks to live. How would you spend the last 15 days of your life?
Jyotsna replied (July 9): My immediate answer is that I would first get a cosmetic surgery done, get a makeover, travel the world... But when I think deeply, I would do none of that. First, I would visit people who are dear to me.... People which whom I have lost touch over the years.. I've learnt that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. After that I would donate all my personal wealth. Then in the end, make a trip to Japan to meet our sensei. I would spend the last days meditating, attending meetings, chanting...
So you've found your mission in life then. Love, charity, spirituality, community service. (Such a lofty mission, I must say! Would have probably been easier to get a makeover and travel the world!) Now, apply this mission to your life. 'Live each day like it's your last. Eventually you will be right.' Why waiting for the last 15 days of your life to fulfil it? As the ad would say, Just Do It.
The reason you haven't been able to make the love in your heart your mission is because it isn't considered a career enough; or is considered, at most, a noble pastime. There's no money in it, there are no promotion possibilities, there are no tangible perks. Only hard work, a few smiles and hugs and lovey-dovey feelings being exchanged. Who wants to make a profession or a mission out of something as silly as caring and sharing?
But the world lacks just these qualities, doesn't it? That's why you've been born, you and others like you. Who have nothing more precious to give than themselves. You have the highest mission of them all - not coming up with award-winning ad campaigns for bikes, not fighting legal battles, not marketing a film. Your mission is SAVING OUR SOULS. Do you realise how serious and important that is?
And you've been wasting your life wondering what you opened the fridge for?
Don't treat the greatest mission in the world like a trivial pastime. It's only as important as YOU think it is. Go for it the way your husband would go for his projects. The way I'd go for an article I sat down to edit, or the way a teacher would tackle a bundle of board exam answer sheets. With single-minded focus, determination and a time-frame. Think of how many people you would have loved and cared for in the time that you spent watching time pass you by? How many souls you would have healed and lives you would have touched?
Don't waste any more time. Start living NOW. Our world depends on you.
Both are symptoms of a lack of focus. You don't know where you're going so you're not going anywhere. If you find your focus in life, all else will fall in place; the fridge, the phone calls, everything else. You need a mission.
Answer this question and I will take it further: Suppose I tell you that you have only two more weeks to live. How would you spend the last 15 days of your life?
Jyotsna replied (July 9): My immediate answer is that I would first get a cosmetic surgery done, get a makeover, travel the world... But when I think deeply, I would do none of that. First, I would visit people who are dear to me.... People which whom I have lost touch over the years.. I've learnt that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. After that I would donate all my personal wealth. Then in the end, make a trip to Japan to meet our sensei. I would spend the last days meditating, attending meetings, chanting...
So you've found your mission in life then. Love, charity, spirituality, community service. (Such a lofty mission, I must say! Would have probably been easier to get a makeover and travel the world!) Now, apply this mission to your life. 'Live each day like it's your last. Eventually you will be right.' Why waiting for the last 15 days of your life to fulfil it? As the ad would say, Just Do It.
The reason you haven't been able to make the love in your heart your mission is because it isn't considered a career enough; or is considered, at most, a noble pastime. There's no money in it, there are no promotion possibilities, there are no tangible perks. Only hard work, a few smiles and hugs and lovey-dovey feelings being exchanged. Who wants to make a profession or a mission out of something as silly as caring and sharing?
But the world lacks just these qualities, doesn't it? That's why you've been born, you and others like you. Who have nothing more precious to give than themselves. You have the highest mission of them all - not coming up with award-winning ad campaigns for bikes, not fighting legal battles, not marketing a film. Your mission is SAVING OUR SOULS. Do you realise how serious and important that is?
And you've been wasting your life wondering what you opened the fridge for?
Don't treat the greatest mission in the world like a trivial pastime. It's only as important as YOU think it is. Go for it the way your husband would go for his projects. The way I'd go for an article I sat down to edit, or the way a teacher would tackle a bundle of board exam answer sheets. With single-minded focus, determination and a time-frame. Think of how many people you would have loved and cared for in the time that you spent watching time pass you by? How many souls you would have healed and lives you would have touched?
Don't waste any more time. Start living NOW. Our world depends on you.
Jul 7, 2007
When love is war
Dear Sudarshan,
Thank you so much for writing in. I will deal with your situation from two angles: the short-term practical one, and the long-term spiritual one. We start with the former.
1. In most Indian marriages, perhaps most marriages around the world, the frustrating reality is that we do not just marry one person, we marry the whole family. So the minute you proposed to Divya, you, in effect, proposed to her dad, her mom, her brother, her sister, her cousins, her grandparents and even the distant aunts and uncles who haven't seen Divya in years. Your life will become inseparable from theirs the minute you tie the knot.
If they are loud and crude, well, they will be your family. If they are sweet and gentle, they will still be your family. Point is, no matter how much you think Divya is different from them, she is part of them. And once you are married, you are part of them too. Look into your heart and tell me: Can you accept that?
If your love for her is strong and you are convinced that this is the woman you are going to spend your eternity with, you WILL accept that. If your love is weak, you will suddenly find plenty of excuses - including loud or crude inlaws and opposing parents - to run away.
Please remember: (a) Your parents will always be your parents even if they threaten to kick you out. (b) Time is a great healer; they will come around, you will change, Divya will change, and things will look different in 2010 than they look now, and further different in 2020. (c) You alone have to live with the outcome of your choice. If you choose to marry her against odds, it will still be up to you to make the marriage work and also manage to establish healthy relationships with both sets of parents. Could you do that? If god forbid, the relationship flounders for whatever reason later on (parents' interference, personal issues, professional issues, kids issues), there will plenty of people to say 'I told you so'. Could you live with that? And finally, if you choose to leave her at this point, it will be up to you to live with your decision, with or without regrets, for the rest of your life.
2. Looking at it spiritually, it seems to me that this situation has come up for two reasons (either one or both): (1) You didn't love her enough, and that's why you're seeing obstacles. You've taken your eyes off your goal. When we are focused on what we want, then no obstacle is big enough to shake off our determination to get to our destination. People have overcome far greater odds to achieve far greater goals. So what is a little opposition from parents in the face of divine love? (2) You have been living your life 'by default', unaware that it is YOU who makes the choices, not others. And this situation has come up precisely to make you aware that it is YOU making the choices. If today, you again go on 'by default', saying 'Oh I had no choice, I had to leave her,' I can assure you from personal experience, this situation will come up AGAIN and AGAIN until you start making your own choices. First it will wife versus parents, then it will be family versus job, then it will be health versus career, and so on. How long will you keep saying, 'Oh I have no choice?' Sooner or later, you will have to make it.
Advice: Understand who you are, what you want, and then align your words with your thoughts, your actions with your words. Be one big, aligned, harmonious being, and the universe around you will have no choice but to be that too.
Conclusion: If you truly love Divya and are convinced in your heart that she is the only woman you will ever be happy with, you will not care for the obstacles, but will rather use your intelligence and wisdom to surmount them. Plan it out, be patient, have faith that time heals... and be prepared to be a part of her 'show-off' family! But you know what? If you truly love her, and choose to be in happy matrimony with her, you will love her parents too. And your parents will love Divya. And your dad will love his dad. One big, happy, harmonious family. All because one man, Sudarshan Iyer, was sure of what he wanted, and made his actions work in alignment with his thoughts.
On the other hand, if you are now wondering what you have got yourself into, and are doubting if Divya really is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, then make that choice knowingly, saying, 'I alone choose to leave Divya. My parents' opposition has nothing to do with it. I am convinced now that she is not the woman for me and I can have a better future with somebody else.' Like I said, YOU alone have to live with the outcome. You cannot later say, 'I did not have a choice'. I am telling you: You do. And you are making it with every breath you take.
It seems difficult, and maybe it is. But maybe it's not. It depends on how you look at it. For someone else, it may be the easiest choice in the world. For you, it may be a life-or-death decision. If you change your thinking, you will be able to change your perspective.
I bless you with clear vision and conviction in your choices.
Thank you so much for writing in. I will deal with your situation from two angles: the short-term practical one, and the long-term spiritual one. We start with the former.
1. In most Indian marriages, perhaps most marriages around the world, the frustrating reality is that we do not just marry one person, we marry the whole family. So the minute you proposed to Divya, you, in effect, proposed to her dad, her mom, her brother, her sister, her cousins, her grandparents and even the distant aunts and uncles who haven't seen Divya in years. Your life will become inseparable from theirs the minute you tie the knot.
If they are loud and crude, well, they will be your family. If they are sweet and gentle, they will still be your family. Point is, no matter how much you think Divya is different from them, she is part of them. And once you are married, you are part of them too. Look into your heart and tell me: Can you accept that?
If your love for her is strong and you are convinced that this is the woman you are going to spend your eternity with, you WILL accept that. If your love is weak, you will suddenly find plenty of excuses - including loud or crude inlaws and opposing parents - to run away.
Please remember: (a) Your parents will always be your parents even if they threaten to kick you out. (b) Time is a great healer; they will come around, you will change, Divya will change, and things will look different in 2010 than they look now, and further different in 2020. (c) You alone have to live with the outcome of your choice. If you choose to marry her against odds, it will still be up to you to make the marriage work and also manage to establish healthy relationships with both sets of parents. Could you do that? If god forbid, the relationship flounders for whatever reason later on (parents' interference, personal issues, professional issues, kids issues), there will plenty of people to say 'I told you so'. Could you live with that? And finally, if you choose to leave her at this point, it will be up to you to live with your decision, with or without regrets, for the rest of your life.
2. Looking at it spiritually, it seems to me that this situation has come up for two reasons (either one or both): (1) You didn't love her enough, and that's why you're seeing obstacles. You've taken your eyes off your goal. When we are focused on what we want, then no obstacle is big enough to shake off our determination to get to our destination. People have overcome far greater odds to achieve far greater goals. So what is a little opposition from parents in the face of divine love? (2) You have been living your life 'by default', unaware that it is YOU who makes the choices, not others. And this situation has come up precisely to make you aware that it is YOU making the choices. If today, you again go on 'by default', saying 'Oh I had no choice, I had to leave her,' I can assure you from personal experience, this situation will come up AGAIN and AGAIN until you start making your own choices. First it will wife versus parents, then it will be family versus job, then it will be health versus career, and so on. How long will you keep saying, 'Oh I have no choice?' Sooner or later, you will have to make it.
Advice: Understand who you are, what you want, and then align your words with your thoughts, your actions with your words. Be one big, aligned, harmonious being, and the universe around you will have no choice but to be that too.
Conclusion: If you truly love Divya and are convinced in your heart that she is the only woman you will ever be happy with, you will not care for the obstacles, but will rather use your intelligence and wisdom to surmount them. Plan it out, be patient, have faith that time heals... and be prepared to be a part of her 'show-off' family! But you know what? If you truly love her, and choose to be in happy matrimony with her, you will love her parents too. And your parents will love Divya. And your dad will love his dad. One big, happy, harmonious family. All because one man, Sudarshan Iyer, was sure of what he wanted, and made his actions work in alignment with his thoughts.
On the other hand, if you are now wondering what you have got yourself into, and are doubting if Divya really is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, then make that choice knowingly, saying, 'I alone choose to leave Divya. My parents' opposition has nothing to do with it. I am convinced now that she is not the woman for me and I can have a better future with somebody else.' Like I said, YOU alone have to live with the outcome. You cannot later say, 'I did not have a choice'. I am telling you: You do. And you are making it with every breath you take.
It seems difficult, and maybe it is. But maybe it's not. It depends on how you look at it. For someone else, it may be the easiest choice in the world. For you, it may be a life-or-death decision. If you change your thinking, you will be able to change your perspective.
I bless you with clear vision and conviction in your choices.
Jul 5, 2007
Hellow :-)
First there was a thought, and then suddenly, the whole universe came into being.
First there was a thought (if we must do it shayari style), and then suddenly, the whole universe came into being.
If that isn't magic, what is?
Let's celebrate the magic called life together. Talk to me.
First there was a thought (if we must do it shayari style), and then suddenly, the whole universe came into being.
If that isn't magic, what is?
Let's celebrate the magic called life together. Talk to me.
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